IMAGES: © Lynley Dodd
IMAGES: © Lynley Dodd

BooksFebruary 20, 2021

Ranking every creature in the Hairy Maclary universe

Staff writer
IMAGES: © Lynley Dodd
IMAGES: © Lynley Dodd

Tara Ward transcends the cat v dog debate with a list that also includes a goat, a duckling, and a butcher who likes to share his meat. 

New Zealand bloody loves Hairy Maclary. We’ve made films about his life, erected statues in his honour, and turned Hairy Maclary from Donaldson’s Dairy into the bestselling book of last decade. The prime minister once read a Hairy Maclary book on national television, and we all know a small kid who can’t put their pants on properly but can drop a casual “cacophony” or “skedaddle” into the conversation like a total boss. This is of course all thanks to Dame Lynley Dodd, who writes sweet, simple stories about a mischievous terrier and his gang of doggy mates.

Books like Hairy Maclary’s Caterwaul Caper and Slinky Malinki Catflaps are literary classics, but has anyone ever ranked every single cat, dog, bird and human in the Hairy Maclary stories in a completely arbitrary way? Which is the strongest and the shaggiest? Whomst is most likely to appear from nowhere with a ladder? It’s hard to believe such a ranking hasn’t happened before, and yet, here we are.

The results are in, the debate is over, Hercules Morse is still as big as a horse. Be warned, these rankings may hurt if you have a soft spot for the Poppadum Kittens from Parkinson Place. We each have our favourites, but like Samuel Stone giving out his juiciest bone, there can only be one winner.

35. Ray

We barely had a chance to know Ray, given all he did was wave a hat at Scarface Claw once. But, what a hat! What a wave! Don’t be a stranger, Ray.

34. The Vet

An absolute clown who allows 14 feral animals in the waiting room at once. No doubt still traumatised by the shocking events of Rumpus at the Vet, and probably can’t look at a feather without having flashbacks.

Illustration: dogs jumping delightedly into a pond
SPLAT in the pond went, from top left: Custard, Bitzer, Bottomley; middle row Noodle, Hercules, Hairy; bottom row Barnacle, Schnitzel (IMAGE: HAIRY MACLARY, SIT © Lynley Dodd, 1997)

33. The Kennel Club Obedience Leader

As helpful as Ray waving a hat.

32. The Toy Shop Owner

Doesn’t like dogs in the shop. Sad.

31. The Cat Club President

Once gave Hairy Maclary the prize for the Scruffiest Cat, which is an outrageous slight against our valiant hero. Should expect to be rolled at the next AGM.

30. Mushroom Magee

Could not see Hairy Maclary that one time, even though he was very close. Oh dear.

29. Peter the Plumber

Like Ray, Peter the Plumber will be remembered for waving random objects at a cranky cat. Is Peter still standing on the street, waving that sock at Scarface Claw? Go home, Peter. The pipes, the pipes are calling.

28. Cassie the Cockatoo

A shit-stirrer from way back. Troublesome beak? That’s the least of it.

illustration of a cockatoo in a cage, squawking angrily
Cassie (boo, hiss) (IMAGE: HAIRY MACLARY’S RUMPUS AT THE VET, © Lynley Dodd, 1989)

27. The Poppadum Kittens from Parkinson Place

Kittens are cute and poppadoms are tasty so surely this is a delicious result.

26. Tom

Famous for driving through town with Scarface Claw on top of his car. Spoiler, he is not the toughest Tom in town.

25. Dooley’s Daily Delivery Driver

Or as they call him down the pub, Quadruple D.

24. Barnacle Beasley

Beagle.

23. Grandmother Pugh and Grandmother Goff

Everyone loves their grandmothers, but these books are about dogs and cats, not budgie-owning octogenarians and old ladies whose hats blow away. Sorry Nana, I don’t make the rules.

Illustration: at a wedding, on a windy day, a woman clutches her hat
Down with Pugh (IMAGE: HAIRY MACLARY’S HAT TRICKS, © Lynley Dodd, 2007)

22. Noodle the Poodle

Toodle oodle to Noodle the Poodle.

21. Grizzly Macduff

Rumoured to meow with a Scottish accent.

20. Headmaster

Loses his shit at Hairy Maclary, but also uses snazzy words like “shemozzle” and “hullabaloo”.

19. Pimpernel Pugh

Too cool to be in this list. Sucks to be him.

18. Constable Chrissie 

Prioritised saving a cat over solving the many burglaries and common assaults no doubt taking place in Riverside’s criminal underbelly, which is exactly the sort of stunt I pay my taxes for.

17. Greywacke Jones

Cute. Furry. Cat.

16. Grandmother Goff’s four fussy budgies 

We can all agree that one fussy budgie is trouble enough, but four? FOUR?! Four fussy budgies could rule the world.

15. Butterball Brown

A cat with exceptional standards of hygiene. A hero for the lockdown era.

14. Bitzer Maloney

Skinny, bony, loves a scratch in a strawberry patch. It’s the happy trifecta of doggy delight.

Illustration: small grey cat following a bee in garden
Greywacke Jones was hunting a bee… (IMAGE: HAIRY MACLARY SCATTERCAT, © Lynley Dodd, 1985)

13. Custard the Labrador

Another one who creates an absolute scene in Rumpus at the Vet. FFS can’t take her anywhere.

12. Bottomley Potts

ALL COVERED IN SPOTS, SAY IT WITH ME NEW ZEALAND.

11. Geezer the Goat

Anyone named Geezer always ranks well, despite their anger management issues.

10. Hercules Morse

Gets stuck in fences at the worst moment, probably still stuck there now. Sleeps with his tail in the sun and his head in the shade, which makes him both sun smart and dog smart.

9. Stickybeak Syd

Slinky Malinki’s partner in crime. Don’t let the impressive plumage confuse you, this beaker is ready to cause carnage 24/7.

8. Samuel Stone

Butcher who gives Hairy Maclary his tastiest bone. Generous with his meat, probably gives the local kids a free cheerio after school. Legend.

‘Generous with his meat’ (IMAGE: HAIRY MACLARY’S BONE, © Lynley Dodd, 1984)

7. Muffin McLay

With his fabulous hair and penchant for bathing in rustic wooden tubs, this old English sheepdog should be the social media influencer to rule them all. Sadly, there is no canine version of Instagram, and dogs hate TikTok. Never mind.

6. Zachary Quack

A duck who loves to frolic and footle and play? A duck who once saved Hairy Maclary’s life? Straight to the top 10 for this quirky quacker.

5. Miss Plum

Sometimes I imagine Miss Plum is having a torrid affair with Samuel Stone the butcher, and their illicit rendezvous includes some gritty role play with a ladder and a big bone. Miss Plum doesn’t need a man in her life, because she’s a strong, independent woman, but it’s nice to have someone to watch The Repair Shop with once they’ve put the ladder back in the garage. He fills a need and she puts up with him smelling like saveloys and everyone’s happy.

But that’s a story for another day, because Miss Plum is the superhero of Hairy Maclary’s world. She refuses to be intimidated by Scarface Claw, she wears fabulous shoes, and she plays frisbee with Hairy Maclary when nobody else will. You’ll probably see her this weekend at your local garden centre, buying too many house plants and hooning off in her yellow mini. Won’t SUM1 love PLUM1? We do.

Illustration of a woman loading plants into a yellow mini
BUM1 (IMAGE: HAIRY MACLARY, SHOO © Lynley Dodd, 2009)

4. Schnitzel Von Krumm

I too have a very low tum and struggle to climb over walls, so SVK and I share a bond that can never be broken.

3. Slinky Malinki

I don’t even like cats, but somehow Slinky Malinki slipped his way into number three.  That’s how cunning he is. You might even say he’s New Zealand’s favourite feline, cat years ahead of the bullshit Canterbury Black Panther or the dearly departed Paddles, and don’t even get me started on Wellington’s beloved Mittens. Keys to the city? Please.

2. Hairy Maclary

Stop the clocks, cut off the telephone, prevent the dog from barking with Samuel Stone’s bone. Surely our fun-loving hero should top his own rankings, I hear you ask? On one paw, you are correct, but on the other, you are more mistaken than the time Dooley’s Daily Delivery Driver took off with Hairy Maclary trapped in his courier van.

Life is one big adventure for wee Hairy, who carries on like a toddler who just scoffed an entire family bag of Skittles. Everyone loves this little larrikin, apart from one member of the animal world that he’ll never win over, and that’s why Hairy can’t wear the crown. Look, he’s still a good dog. John Campbell is talking only to Hairy whenever he does his good dog rant on Breakfast. He’s hairy and he’s maclary and he’s a national bloody treasure.

Illustration: big black cat strolls smugly away from a cowering terrier
Smug face (Image: IMAGE: HAIRY MACLARY SCATTERCAT, © Lynley Dodd, 1985)

1. Scarface Claw

If 2021 was a cat, it would be Scarface Claw. Scarface is such a beast that if he had opposable thumbs he would text ONLY IN CAPITALS, and like Judith Collins, probably has to raise an eyebrow to show he’s joking. He’s frightened by his own reflection, and even grown-ups are too scared to look him directly in the eye. Nope. I won’t do it.

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Every chocolate milk in New Zealand, ranked from worst to best From oat to protein to good ol' dairy, we rank every chocolate milk in Aotearoa.

But cats are people too, and the toughest tom in town has a vulnerable side that’s often overlooked. Some say he’s a bully, others say he’s a complex, misunderstood misfit who’s sick of putting up with everyone else’s shit. Fuck yeah, Scarface Claw.

 

All images reproduced by permission of Penguin Random House New Zealand

Keep going!
A man sits in a window seat, headphones on, reading
(Photo: Nazar Abbas Photography via Getty)

BooksFebruary 19, 2021

The Unity Books bestseller chart for the week ending February 19

A man sits in a window seat, headphones on, reading
(Photo: Nazar Abbas Photography via Getty)

The only published and available best-selling indie book chart in New Zealand is the top 10 sales list recorded every week at Unity Books’ stores in High St, Auckland, and Willis St, Wellington.

AUCKLAND

1  Access All Areas: The Diversity Manifesto for TV and Beyond by Lenny Henry (Faber & Faber, $27)

“Draws on decades of experience to reveal why recent efforts to diversify media have been thus far ineffective, and why they are simply not enough” – publisher’s blurb.

2  Te Tiriti O Waitangi: The Treaty of Waitangi by Toby Morris (Lift Education, $20)

“If our kids are armed with the basics, the anger and guilt stripped away, then maybe there’s a chance they’ll grow into adults that understand that our differences make us stronger. Anger is useful, until it isn’t. Excellent resources like this one will help to make it a thing of the past.” – Ātea editor Leonie Hayden introducing this exceptional graphic novel.

3  Aroha: Māori Wisdom for a Contented Life Lived in Harmony with our Planet by Hinemoa Elder (Penguin Random House, $30)

“Aroha is a divine feeling. It is strong and it is never-ending. It comes up out of the ground. We feel it in the warmth of our marae, and with our ancestors, in the places they walked, swam, loved. This ancient love is tangible. We breathe it. We activate and reinvigorate it when we use our pepeha.”

4  Ikigai: The Japanese Secret to a Long and Happy Life by Francesc Miralles and Hector Garcia (Hutchinson, $30)

Publishers Weekly: “This compendium of best practices for a healthy body and mind is loosely organised around the concept of ikigai, a Japanese word García (A Geek in Japan) and Miralles (Love in Lowercase) translate as ‘the happiness of always being busy.'”

5  I Am A Human Being by Jackson Nieuwland (Compound Press, $20)

Longlisted for the Mary and Peter Biggs Award for Poetry; shortlists are out in a couple of weeks.

6  This Pākehā Life: An Unsettled Memoir by Alison Jones (Bridget Williams Books, $40)

Longlisted in the general (read: eclectic) non-fiction section of the Ockham New Zealand Book Awards; god help the judges who have to weigh it up against Vincent O’Sullivan’s bio of Ralph Hotere, Brian Easton’s economic history of Aotearoa, and a book of brilliant personal essays by Madison Hamill, among others.

7  The Devils You Know by Ben Sanders (Allen & Unwin, $33)

Crime in California, by a 20-something engineer from Torbay:

“Vincent stopped and put his elbows on the rail. There was a guy ten feet away with a rod and a box of tackle, baiting a hook with a chunk of something bloody. Ahead of him the waterline stretched west, the boardwalk matching its curve and the palm trees above it like a long rank of pom poms waiting to cheer the wind.”

8  Auē by Becky Manawatu (Mākaro Press, $35)

Winner of this country’s top fiction prize, top crime-writing prize, and 2020 more broadly.

9  Letters to Young People by Glenn Colquhoun (OldKing Press, $35)

A new, self-published collection from one of our most acclaimed poets, who also happens to be a GP. Most of these poems were written to real patients, as part of Colquhoun’s radically compassionate approach to medicine.

10 Hamnet by Maggie O’Farrell (Tinder Press, $38)

Acclaimed novel about the death of Shakepeare’s son.

WELLINGTON

1  Tōku Pāpā by Ruby Solly (Victoria University Press, $25)

Solly’s first collection of poetry; in English, the title means “my father”.

Kete books have published an extraordinary review by Arihia Latham, in which she explains she and Solly recently discovered they are second cousins once removed.

“Ruby’s book is full of lyrical archeology,” Latham writes. “She unearths words and feelings buried in the bones of our whakapapa. I don’t know how you, a stranger to us, will read this book. I can only tell you how it is, as whānauka to consume these words like she has translated the braille of clay on rock from our tupuna.”

2  Aroha: Māori Wisdom for a Contented Life Lived in Harmony with our Planet by Hinemoa Elder (Penguin Random House, $30)

3  Auē by Becky Manawatu (Mākaro Press, $35)

4  Imagining Decolonisation by Rebecca Kiddle, Bianca Elkington, Moana Jackson, Ocean Ripeka Mercier, Mike Ross, Jennie Smeaton and Amanda Thomas (Bridget Williams Books, $15)

Every week!

5  A Court of Silver Flames by Sarah J Maas (Bloomsbury, $33)

The latest in the bestselling high fantasy series, A Court of Thorns and Roses. “A shimmering erotic romance that probes vulnerability and grief,” said Entertainment Weekly.

6  Shuggie Bain by Douglas Stewart (Picador, $38)

Winner, all by itself, of the 2020 Booker Prize.

7  Land: How the Hunger for Ownership Shaped the Modern World by Simon Winchester (HarperCollins, $40)

From the New Yorker:

“Winchester, a British-American author who has frequented the nonfiction best-seller lists during the past two decades, examines our duelling impulses for appropriation and exploitation, on the one hand, and stewardship and restoration, on the other, tracing our relationship to land from the dawn of agriculture to the current age. Moving across varied histories and geographies, he offers us one case study after another of how the once seemingly inexhaustible surface of the Earth has devolved into a commodity, the ultimate object of contestation and control.”

A primer.

9  Women Don’t Owe You Pretty by Florence Given (Cassell, $38)

See also What a Time to be Alone and How To Get Over A Boy, both by Chidera Eggerue, and this piece on Medium, which does a neat job of outlining the social media shitstorm over whether Given ripped off Eggerue’s books – or whether the similarities boil down to marketing trends.

10 Seven Kinds of People You Find in Bookshops by Shaun Bythell (Profile Books, $17)

Meta.

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