Why do some supermarkets have hundreds of pairs of tights, but not a single pair of undies? Gabi Lardies goes in search of answers.

There are times in life when things go horribly wrong and rushing straight home to hide is not an option. In at least three possible examples of these occasions, you are going to need an emergency pair of underwear. You might rush to the nearest supermarket, supposedly your one-stop shop for day-to-day essentials, with a hazy image of that long aisle of non-edibles. There are undies there, right?

But as you scuttle down aisle nine of New World Mount Roskill, a waking nightmare unfolds: the images on the packages that in your mind’s eye were undies instead show variations of feet and legs. Many of the legs will be up, and the feet will be pointed, as if the person lives their life elegantly stuck in a Pilates pose. On offer will be tight, synthetic hosiery in all shapes, sizes and opacities: tan 15 denier tights, sheer knee-highs, fleece leggings, silky-feel sheer ankle fits, and so many tan 15 denier no-show footlets.

Even though there’s hustle and bustle in the supermarket this rainy morning, this particular aisle is empty apart from you and a worker restocking Garnier Fructis Papaya Hair Food. The longer you linger in the aisle, not finding any undies, the more you feel under suspicion of shoplifting, so you decide to ask her. She seals your fate: “No, we don’t have any.”

As previously reported by The Spinoff, New World’s franchise model means its offerings change based on location. In Waihi there’s a beach bag, in Tokoroa there are hi-vis socks and gloves, Motueka and Westport have floral cotton handkerchiefs that no one under 100 years old ever uses, Whangamatā has pink bunny infant slippers, and Wellington city has a blue baby beanie with two big fluffy ears. 

Despite these minor variations in detail courtesy of the owner of the store in question, the bulk of stock is the same, so there are common trends. For people who need undies, it’s bad news.

According to newworld.co.nz, only a handful of the 144 New Worlds around Aotearoa stock undies (cotton bikini briefs and trunks). Two of those are a less-than-15-minute walk apart. They are both in Wellington’s CBD – the New World Metro on Willis Street, and the regular-sized New World on Wakefield Street. Are centrally based Wellingtonians more underwear hungry than the rest of the country? Do all those highly educated civil servants have a lot of unfortunate accidents? Are they having too much fun, getting too old, or is every washing machine in Wellington acting up?

The rest of the New Worlds, over 100, are undie-free zones, despite many of them having an extensive range of hosiery. On Queen Street in Auckland Central, New World Metro has 22 different types of tights, knee-highs and footlets as well as five types of cotton socks on offer, but no undies. Nearby Victoria Park New World carries a better selection of cotton socks, as well as a disposable rain poncho in the apparel area, but still no undies. Luckily, the “Health & Wellness” section does have specialty underwear – that is, incontinence and period underwear (the latter being fairly new arrivals). You will find a similar phenomenon in Pakn’Saves, also owned by Foodstuffs.

For days I pestered the Foodstuffs media team. Where are the undies? Is there a reason so many of the stores don’t stock underwear? Why so many pantyhose? How many pantyhose are they even selling? Initially, they were incredulous at my curiosity about their selection of apparel. “Who’s asked you to investigate?” asked the PR manager, as if it isn’t a matter relating to the inherent public interest of journalism. Then, five days later, a short statement answering none of my questions finally arrived in my inbox. It simply says that the product ranges at each shop are tailored by their individual owner, and “Some have tights, some have undies, some have both”. It ends with “if you’re in central Wellington and need a quick change, you know where to go!” but says absolutely nothing about the rest of the country, where most people live and wear undies.

Perhaps, Foodstuffs’ shadow-ban on underwear is due to fear. Could plain cotton underpants give way to ones which have a lace trim, then ones made entirely of lace, and then suddenly, next to the bananas and dishwashing liquid there are mesh G-strings on the checkout conveyor belts? We couldn’t possibly have that! And yet, in Mt Roskill’s aisle nine, among the endless array of footlets, there’s a little black lacy number: North Head Lace Footlets, for $6.49 a pair. Pretty sexy.

Possibly stranger than some supermarket stockists thinking we don’t need underwear is that they seem to think we want tights, knee highs and footlets. Sure, hosiery has had its moments – centuries and decades ago. 

But now, in 2023, bare legs are no longer shocking. And surely the majority of the population have figured out that the nasty synthetic fabric makes your feet smelly, gives your butt cheeks an itchy rash, and aren’t as warm or comfortable as pants. We also know the sheer ones are basically disposable, and the thick ones are thrush-inducing. This morning, the only customer taking an interest in the hosiery selection was me, in large part driven by the question “who the hell wears footlets?” My suspicion was no one. In comparison, I reckon 99.9% of shoppers were wearing underwear.

Undie-less, I grabbed a broccoli and chocolate bar and headed out. In the carpark, I spied a set of tan footlets poking out of a lady’s sneakers. 

I continued my search in Mt Eden Countdown (soon to be expensively rebranded to Woolworths for no good reason that I can tell). The aisle with the promise of hosiery was messy. A part of it was dedicated to children’s toys, but at the end, past the ab rollers and massage guns, were the little cloth things in cardboard packaging.

There were plenty of hosiery options, including footlets, which, having proved themselves to be worn by at least one lady, at the same time proved themselves not to do what they claim on the packaging – that is, “No Show”. But here their presence was less irksome, balanced by the fact that not only were there undies, there were several different options on offer. Ones with neon elastic bearing “TRADIE” across the top, plain black hipsters, sets of black, grey and blue trunks and multicoloured Bonds briefs. 

For those in need of undies, know that the evil players of the supermarket duopoly are not equal. At Foodstuffs-owned supermarkets, underwear is scarce. The Woolworths group, on the other hand, has you covered. 

If you’re simply a lover of footlets, however, then the world truly is your oyster.