Pete Evans in his MAGA cap

A guide to defending garbage people on Facebook

Another week, another scandal hits a lowly ex-reality TV idiot. But what of those who rush in to defend Pete Evans, and people like him? Emily Writes outlines the tried and true formula.

Welcome to the first ever guide to defending D-grade celebrities who share Nazi imagery online. Before we start, you might be wondering why you’d bother defending a man who gets kicks out of upsetting already marginalised groups of people and who looks like a burnt sausage with teeth. Well, the answer is why not?

Are you not bored? Do you not have a Facebook account? Are you not an angry incel? Come down the rabbit hole and turn your imagined victimhood into a degree in defending a horrible dipshit keto enthusiast online.

Follow this guide and you’ll be on your way to contributing absolutely nothing to actual free speech discourse but you’ll feel like a big man and an intellectual so that’s enough.

Step one: Get the lay of the land.

So, a nobody celebrity has posted an image that includes Nazi symbolism. It’s important you say straight off the bat that you “don’t know what the issue is here”. You do know, of course – but feigning ignorance will give you plausible deniability before you defend a possible Holocaust denier because your life is empty and devoid of meaning.

After many people have politely explained what the symbol means, even though you know what it means, you need to act quickly. Move immediately to step two.

Step two: ‘This is a pile on!’

It takes only one person responding to you to insist you’re being persecuted. Even if the person is unfailingly polite, you must evoke the victimhood you claim you despise to ensure you centre yourself in this issue. This is an attack on you. On all white men. Hold on – on all straight men! You’re the real victim here and make sure everyone knows it. Regardless of whether this is related in any way to trans rights you need to also say “I’m not cis either and I resent you calling me that I’m a feminist!” Other helpful phrases include: “Oh so I’m to blame for everything my ancestors did?” (You can use this no matter what the topic). “You attacking me is basically the same as the Holocaust so I mean who is the real enemy here?” and “This is PC gone mad. This is Hell in a Hambasket.” You can also claim that anyone trying to help you understand this issue is a fascist. And also a communist. And also a socialist.

Step three: FREE SPEECH

Actually this is about free speech. Free speech is under attack if we don’t ensure every misogynist who appeared on The Bachelor and every chef who thinks sunscreen is poison has a worldwide platform for all eternity. Explain what free speech is by saying “it’s actually about free speech”. If we suddenly decide we’re not going to sell every cookbook that has ever been published just because the chef loves Nazi stuff then what is left for us as a nation? There are no freedoms. Life is over. Follow this up by saying everyone is taking away your free speech too. Back up your argument with “DON’T YOU KNOW WHAT FREE SPEECH IS WHORE”

Step four: Muddy the waters

It’s now time to just confuse everything – “Hold on, hold on. How do we know this celebrity holds fascist views? Just because they posted an image with a Nazi symbol in it? Just because they are quoting Nazi ideology? How do you even know they know what a swastika is? Don’t know you swastikas are most commonly from Bali and they mean like peace? Don’t you know that?” You really want to take up a lot of people’s time and energy as they explain in good faith to you what is right in front of your face.

Step five: If you were nicer to me I might fight fascism

Gaslighting is one of your best weapons. Gaslighting and tone policing fit hand in hand. No matter how polite a woman is you need to say “wow, no need to get hysterical”. What you want to do is say things so offensive and inflammatory that the people who previously were patient with you now think you’re a piece of shit. When they crack after hours of you relentlessly picking at them over something extremely close to home for them – you’ve won. Tell them that until that moment you respected them. But now you don’t. Say you’re “on the same side” and why are they “looking for a fight?” Insist that their anger or frustration is misplaced and you actually agreed with them until now. Say it’s a shame they’re letting the side down and they should fight “the real enemies”.

Step six: Delete everything you said and go back to masturbating in the work toilet to videos of Pepe the Frog

Everyone has put in a heap of time and effort to help you understand a topic you never cared about which has no impact on your life. You’ve upset them and they feel awful and demoralised about the state of the world. Well done! You won! Now you can go back to your soulless existence. Was the thrill worth it? Who cares right? You sure showed them. And that’s the main thing.

We have plenty more guides available for you to buy for the low cost of $1488 each. These include: “Your guide to never using grammar ever”, “Capital letters ALL THE TIME 101”, “Some of my best friends are Moaris”, “How to claim someone is being deplatformed when they have hundreds of thousands of followers they speak directly to every single minute of the day” and our newest publication “You can take my guns but you’ll never take my fragile masculinity”.

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