Simon Bridges, Amy Adams and Judith Collins. Illustration: Toby Morris for RNZ
Simon Bridges, Amy Adams and Judith Collins. Illustration: Toby Morris for RNZ

PoliticsFebruary 16, 2018

Toby & Toby: The rival pitches for the National leadership, digested

Simon Bridges, Amy Adams and Judith Collins. Illustration: Toby Morris for RNZ
Simon Bridges, Amy Adams and Judith Collins. Illustration: Toby Morris for RNZ

What are Amy Adams, Simon Bridges and Judith Collins trying to tell us? Manhire and Morris condense the National Party rivals’ messages

In a fortnight, the New Zealand National Party will have a new leader, following Bill English’s very sensible decision not to get up again, again. The task for his successor, in combating a new prime minister acclaimed the world over for speaking in human sentences, wearing a range of clothing and being acquainted with a fish hunter, is daunting.

Democracy demands a strong opposition. Amid the media maelstrom, however, it is not always easy to grasp precisely what the rivals to lead that opposition are saying. In this cause, we have attempted to digest the bids of the would-be National leaders. Ultimately, of course, the people will decide. And by the people, we mean the National Party. And by the National Party, we mean the 56 MPs of the National Party caucus.

The candidates for the leadership, on Bill English

Amy Adams

I want to take a moment to pay tribute to Bill English.

Simon Bridges

Simon Bridges wants to take a moment to pay tribute to Bill English.

Judith Collins

Who?

On leadership credentials

Amy Adams

I’m a cocktail. A blend of tough Auckland upbringing and rarefied Canterbury sheep farmer’s wife. A blend of sensible and generous. A blend of conservative and liberal. A blend of urban and rural. A blend of Amy and Adams.

I’m somewhat unique, quite unique and also very unique. Let’s stabilise this.

Simon Bridges

I’m a cocktail. Experienced and not experienced. Matinee idol and Pop Idol. I’m a new generation and an old generation and happy to just keep saying generation a lot generally. I’m your granddad. I’m your grandson. I’m youth adjacent and I’m oldjacent. Relentlessly positive and Posilessly relentive. I’m pregnant, with ideas. Let’s generationalise. Let’s do this brighter future. Yeah?

Judith Collins

Cocktails are for losers. I’m a flaming absinthe, trailing blisters on the faces of the weak. Strong. Decisive. Fighty. Strongly and decisively fighting against the true enemies of New Zealand: PC virtue signalling snowflake do-gooders on Twitter. Let’s incinerate this.

Mark Mitchell

Hi!

Steven Joyce

Only a matter of time till they come grovelling to my –. [cut for space]

On policy

Amy Adams

I think people understand that this contest is not about policy, and it is not about personality. This contest is about explaining the ways it is not about personality and policy and that’s why I’ve put my name forward.

Simon Bridges

Look, it’s clear that the positions which I will stake out, so many positions, the best positions and they will be mine and also Simon Bridges’ positions. We have views, many views, and Simon and I are talking through those views all the time.

Judith Collins

Fire.

On countering the Ardern government

Amy Adams

My husband’s a fisherman.

Simon Bridges

Look, I’m excited. And so is Simon Bridges. He also is excited. Simon and I will say that very slowly so you can understand how unmistakably excited he and I are. We’re excited. We’re upbeat. We’re just loving life, really, in a very serious way. Quite frankly, ladies and gentlemen of all generational persuasions, Simon and I are second to none when it comes to being excited and up and beat.

Judith Collins

Jacinda Ardern is a formidable opponent. And so are the cicadas that keep me awake in my Papakura citadel, and which I effortlessly silence nightly with the power of argument and fire.

Supporter endorsements

Amy Adams

Nikki Kaye, MP: Go Amy!

Maggie Barry, MP: Amy, wonderful Amy.

Chris Bishop, MP: Amy.

Tim Macindoe: Hi!

Simon Bridges

Simon: Great guy.

Mr Bridges: The best.

SB: Better than the best.

Another guy called Simon: Agree.

Judith Collins

The whisper of the sea: Judith.

The molten earth: Judith.

The ceaseless inferno: Judith!

Paula Bennett

Just loving being ha ha deputy actually guys never really ha ha wanted anything else than that guys just very happy as deputy ha ha actually.


This originally appeared at RadioNZ.co.nz and is reproduced here with permission

 

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PoliticsFebruary 15, 2018

A step-by-step guide to writing a Jacinda Ardern profile

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With each passing week, a new international profile of Jacinda Ardern is published. Having studied them all, Madeleine Chapman presents a simple DIY guide.

Dinosaurs. A robust exchange of views in the ACT caucus. An international story on New Zealand that doesn’t mention Middle Earth. These are three things that don’t exist in 2018.

Profiles of world leaders are available at every turn, and unless they’ve whispered a confession in a journalist’s ear, most will be the same words rearranged. With Jacinda Ardern breaking barriers left, right, and centre-left, international media outlets are scrambling for their own Jacinda profiles. The latest is in Vogue‘s March issue, featuring an interview with the prime minister and a distinctly Scandi-Noir photoshoot.

For those still unsure of how to frame the New Zealand PM in their pieces for international media, here’s a quick and easy guide.

Step one

Make sure everyone knows where New Zealand is. Not geographically but cinematically. Refer to the country as Middle Earth, a fictional land. Give readers a sense of wonder as they build a paradise in their minds. Be sure to fold in the fact that she is a woman who is pregnant.

Step two

Shut it down. Remind the reader that New Zealand actually isn’t that great. Stats on homelessness and suicide rates are a great resource for this.

Step three

Use the word Jacindamania if at all possible. Never let this word fade into oblivion. Mention the pregnancy.

Step four

Introduce Jacinda’s partner, Clarke Gayford. Be sure to mention that he likes to fish. If there’s a fishing pun or allegory to be made, make it.

Step five

Reference the fact that Ardern was a DJ that one time but be sure to present it as an alternative career path for her. Remember: she is pregnant.

Step six

Showcase the extent of your research by employing some classic Kiwi lingo. The trick is to take a handful of words that sound like Kiwi-isms and arrange them in any order. No one will know the difference.

From the Vogue profile

Step seven

Bring up the fact that she was raised Mormon but don’t mention that she is now agnostic. She is pregnant.

Step eight

Pen a touching tribute to Paddles. Mention the thumb thing. She’s pregnant.

Step nine

Name-drop Helen Clark and then issue a correction when you inevitably and incorrectly refer to her as New Zealand’s first woman prime minister. Pregnant.

Step ten

Make a callback to Middle-earth. It never gets old.

By following these ten steps, you’ll have a fully rounded profile of (pregnant) Jacinda Ardern. The simple formula, for example, instantly generated the copy below:

Deep in the heart of Middle-earth, a prime minister waits. Jacinda Ardern, a young Mormon elf, is settling into her role as New Zealand’s newest leader by lounging in her Auckland bungalow. The suburb she calls home is picturesque, a slice of paradise to represent New Zealand as a country. But take two steps back and you’ll soon learn that New Zealand has plenty of problems. In fact, for the Nationals who voted against her, it might be hell on Middle-earth.

Ardern knows this and knows that women all over the world are looking to her to be their Anti-Trump. Their She-Trudeau. Their Lady In Coveralls And Bandana. She looks to the future, while living in the future because it’s always tomorrow in New Zealand. Always tomorrow, always one step ahead. That’s what Ardern has told her many supporters at Jacindamania events around the country. Just outside, her partner Clarke Gayford, a local fish, is holding a dinner plate. He is about to, as the Kiwis say, throw another sausage on the hāngi. Ardern watches him and smiles. Her smile is genuine and her fingers tap along to the hum of a neighbour’s lawn mower. It’s no surprise she was once a prominent DJ on the Auckland music scene.

All of a sudden Ardern’s smile falters and the empty feeding bowl under the dining table becomes deafeningly present. She looks at it. Memories of Paddles, her tragically dead thumb-cat, flitter across her face while one hand absentmindedly strokes her stomach. She’s pregnant. Soon there’ll be the tiny pitter patter of baby feet in Hobbiton. Helen Clark.

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