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Image: Archi Banal
Image: Archi Banal

Pop CultureOctober 5, 2022

Celebrity Treasure Island power rankings, week five: There’s a traitor in our midst

Image: Archi Banal
Image: Archi Banal

It’s week five of New Zealand’s favourite reality show, and one player has already found the treasure. Tara Ward power ranks.

Friends, we’ve reached the halfway point in this glorious school camp for celebrities, and like a Dame offering to suck an Olympian’s toes, we’re drooling. This week we finally saw what was inside the Monolith, but sadly it wasn’t another monolith inside another monolith inside another monolith. It was only $100,000 – boring! – and Jesse Tuke was the lucky sausage who had to bury the treasure in a location so secret that even he may not remember it. LOL! Forgetting stuff is always fun. Let’s dig into this week’s power rankings.

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Eliminated: Dylan Schmidt

Sweet, innocent Dylan bounced out of the competition just when it seemed like he’d stay until the end. It was all his fingers’ fault, after they got tangled during the elimination challenge and caused his CTI dreams to fracture like they’d been double-bounced. You don’t have to be an Olympian to be disappointed in your fingers, but Dylan made both his mum and his trampoline proud, and earned the respect of viewers everywhere by summing up his loss with the classic Love Island mantra “It is what it is”.

The rest

13) Karen O’Leary

Officer O’Leary lived the dream this week. She went fishing with an All Black, called out sexism in the challenges, and best of all, was the letter “I” in Mangō’s CTI music video. There’s no “I” in team, or even in Karen O’Leary, but does she care? Not on your nelly.

12) Perlina Lau

Bend your elbows in salute to Perlina, who displayed some incredible arm actions to help her team win the face-off challenge. Are Perlina’s arms more powerful than her laser stare? We can’t risk finding out.

11) Ron Cribb

Displayed a strong scarf game, excelled at throwing ping pong balls into tin cups. What more do you need, New Zealand?

10) Melodie Robinson

Melodie’s dream of becoming Kuaka’s captain was thwarted by old mate Fingers Schmidt, and she’s the only one who realises Monolith Jesse is now a major threat. Who’s listening to her? Only a half-eaten packet of Tim Tams, and that’s no use to anyone.

9) Te Kohe Tuhaka

Look, what can we say about TK? That he won the elimination challenge and sent Dylan home? That Courtenay said he killed a possum? That he likes to boogie board? That’ll do nicely.

8) Elvis Lopeti

A quiet week for the loyal Elvis. Can we ever get enough of Elvis? No. MORE ELVIS PLEASE.

7) Shimpal Lelisi

Killed a mouse in his sleep, drew on his face using lipstick and a set of kitchen tongs. Always expect the unexpected with Shimpal, and always respect the tongs.

6) Dr Joel Rindelaub

Rapper, maths genius, lone wolf. Joel’s mullet wafted fast and loose in the Northland gales this week, as the man with no alliances continued to gain power. Mostly, he was a bloke on a rock rhyming “smile” with “wild”, and we can all agree there are few things more powerful than that.

5) Siobhan Marshall

Siobhan’s CTI journey is the embodiment of live, laugh, love. She’s up to her armpits in alliances, she enjoyed an overnight camping trip where she demolished a cheese platter, and is generally astonished that she’s still in the game. She’s having a lovely time! She’s eating lovely things! She slept in a pop-up caravan! Talk about outrageous fortune.

4) Dame Susan Devoy

The Queen’s reign is over, long live the Tim Tam. Our beloved Suzy D has tumbled in the power rankings like an Olympic trampolinist reunited with a tight set of springs, but we must never write The Dame off. She might not know what’s in the Monolith, but her Wordle game is off the C-H-A-R-T. She even offered to suck Dylan’s toes for fun, which is the sort of unbridled commitment to the game we need to see more of.

3) Cam Mansel

Lay me down on a pristine white duvet and cover me in Tim Tams, because Kuaka have a new captain. Sure, Cam couldn’t tell if Courtney had a kūmara in her box during the captain’s challenge, but eventually the kūmara will get over it and we can all move on. Now Cam can’t be eliminated and his alliance with Susan, Siobhan and Elvis is strong, and he even has a soft duvet to sleep under at night. Triple threat, right there.

2) Courtenay Louise

A rollercoaster week for Courtenay, who missed out on a luxury night away but won a mercy card that allows her to save a contestant from elimination. Everyone wants to know who The Courtmeister will protect, but there’s a bigger question to be answered: is it Paper Scissors Rock, or Rock Paper Scissors? Only Jesse Tuke knows the truth, and he’s probably buried it somewhere on the beach.

1) Jesse Tuke

Poor Jesse. One minute he’s wearing a pink dressing gown and enjoying a night of semi-luxury, the next he’s eating Bree Tomasel’s cucumber blindfolded and about to bury $100,000 in a location he’ll forget as soon as he finishes digging. Jesse only had ten minutes to bury his box in a recognisable location, and spent that time getting more and more flustered. He lay in the sand and he looked at the horizon and he garbled “cross-reference points” until time ran out, and he simply found a big rock and dug his hole. The treasure is buried, Jesse is a traitor, and a pink dressing gown has never been more powerful.

Celebrity Treasure Island screens on Mondays-Wednesdays on TVNZ 2 at 7.30pm, and streams on TVNZ+.

Follow our reality TV recap podcast The Real Pod on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or your favourite podcast provider.

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