The seething passions of small-town restaurants explode in TVNZ 2’s new cooking show.

Like so many new reality TV formats, My Restaurant Rules sounds like a genre parody, and not even a particularly clever one. Just as Seven Year Switch (couples switch partners to revive their relationships) is a bleak Married at First Sight ripoff, so My Restaurant Rules seems a cynical home brand version of My Kitchen Rules. 

Yet as with most aspects of reality television, the format and even the intention of the creators matter far less than the casting – and that’s the heart of what makes this such an appealing proposition. Based on a moribund Australian format, and changed enough (the original saw participants starting their own restaurant) that it could be its own thing entirely, My Restaurant Rules sees five duos from ‘neighbourhood restaurants’ around the country compete to wow each other, and judges Colin Fassnidge and Judith Tabron, with the winner taking home a $100,000 prize. The clincher is that the show is on the road, with the cast travelling to one another’s restaurants, and working as hectic duos together in the kitchen. It’s high stress, and brings the drama.

The past few years have seen a plethora of romance-based reality shows, which seem to operate according to the following quid pro quo: we will give you some Instagram followers in exchange for a few short weeks of public humiliation. They have, naturally, encouraged a fairly specific type of participant. Young, attractive, often withholding, manifestly not there for the right reasons. Sometimes they can be wildly entertaining, as on this year’s Married at First Sight Australia. Sometimes they can be heartcrushingly dull, as on this year’s Married at First Sight NZ.

The cast of My Restaurant Rules self-select as being there for exactly the right reasons, in that they already own and operate restaurants. Rather than being thrust together by the show, the duos have long-established interpersonal dynamics, which tend to be much more fun to watch than the awkward, stagey interactions of just-mets. 

The first episode saw us dine at Rustic, a ‘shabby chic’ (a term which was to become controversial, somehow, in episode two) bistro in Waioru. Run by head chef Tyson and his adoring and adorable mum Denise, they served up a menu including ribs, mussels and fish with pan-fried gnocchi. The latter proved controversial with an Italian team, who are notable in bringing the only woman chef of the group. Raf, the Italian front-of-house, later provided one of the more extraordinary moments of the first pair of episodes when he told a shocked table that women were unsuitable for customer contact for “eight to eleven” days a month.

That he was roundly shouted down by the rest of the table showed one of the many positive functions of reality TV – these unscripted moments in which real people reveal themselves in a constrained environment allow us to map the social progress of the nation. Raf’s comment would have been uncontroversial 30 years ago; today it was arresting. Small mercies, but still.

Next we journeyed to Katikati’s Central Park, where Daniel and Julia awaited us. Daniel might be the first purebred emo to appear on New Zealand reality TV since Scotty Rocker graced Treasure Island well over a decade ago. It was worth the wait. He’s a true and natural creature of the genre, swearing constantly, trashing his wife Julia for his own mistakes and generally serving delicious-looking examples of ‘90s fine dining (think chicken roulade) with a gracelessness that clearly left a sour taste in the mouths of all who consumed it.

By the episode’s end the pair had stretched the meal out for too many hours, and offended everyone at the table, earning a stern and satisfying reprimand from Tabron. It was extremely entertaining, and a window into passions which clearly lurk within small town and suburban restaurants just as they do in more acclaimed inner city counterparts. This is ultimately what My Restaurants Rules is serving, and it’s very, very satisfying.

My Restaurant Rules is on Mondays and Tuesdays at 7.30pm on TVNZ 2, and streaming from 8.30pm the same day on TVNZ OnDemand.

Four festival-goers were admitted to hospital with drug-related issues after Friday’s event at Mt Smart Stadium. A fellow partier shares her experience of the night. As told to Madeleine Chapman.

I was hyping up for Schoolboy Q. Figured he’d play some old school tunes, some bangers. Honestly, I didn’t really care much for who was playing, I just wanted to boogie to some sick tunes. I was there to party. The louder the music the better. Of course I pre-loaded. I drank a box before we left the hotel and took a little something else. We jumped on the train and there were heaps of other people on their way to Mt Smart. They were even more wasted than we were, but they weren’t being rude. They were pretty mellow.

We got to the gates of the stadium at like nine o’clock and it was packed. It was a mission to get in. The first round was ID checking, then there was another massive crowd going into the metal detector area. The metal detector went off in the middle of my back and the guy asked what it was. I had to tell him it was my bra, like, come on, man.

They checked our tickets and bags after. Two of the guys I was with had tickets that didn’t work but it looked to me like they got let in anyway.

When we were walking down to the ground you could see the crowd overflowing out of the tent. There were people up in the stands and little pockets of people hanging around all over the grounds. I thought I saw a drug testing booth, but then I didn’t see any others so maybe it was just a portaloo.

Before we got anywhere near the tent, we could smell weed. It was everywhere. The tent was like the biggest hotbox in the world. Loved it all.

At one point I dropped my joint and while I was looking for it, all I could see were baggies all over the ground amongst the cans and plastic bottles. I still found it, though.

As soon as we got under the tent, it was so hot and sweaty. People were taking their tops off to cool down and everyone looked off their face wasted. I mean, I was one of them, but people’s jaws were going off and their eyes were rolling back, it was crazy.

We were tearing up a storm on the dancefloor during Schoolboy Q when I heard talking behind me like there was going to be a fight. The only fight we’d seen till then was on the way in when two girl friends were having a scrap.

Turns out the noise was because someone was hurt. I looked around and there was a crowd of people around this one guy. I didn’t realise how serious it was but then he was surrounded by cops. They couldn’t get him to move so then the medi-cab showed up and they got to work on him. Usually when stuff like that happens, drunk people are constantly being nosy and trying to see what’s happening, but this time felt heavy. Everyone kept their distance while the medics worked.

They were shoving some sort of tube down his throat and they were there for a while. Eventually they just picked him, still not moving, and put him on the cart and took him away. After that, there were a few more police officers hanging around the area but everything went back to normal pretty quick. And normal was everyone off their faces and raging out.

There were two guys who climbed up the poles and got on top of the tent. That’s pretty fucking high. They were running across it and the police were waiting on the ground for them to, I guess, drop off? But they just turned around and ran back to the middle. I have no idea how they eventually got down.

Compared to other festivals that are pretty mellow, this was a whole other level. It felt like everyone was on something. Not the same something, but something. It was like a massive house party rave in someone’s backyard, that’s how loose it felt. The energy stayed lit right until it ended at around 1am. Then they turned the lights on like it was a club and everyone was like oof. Nobody wants to be seen in that light. Everyone scattered so quick.

But I had the best time. We went in knowing it would be a loose party so getting your squad together is so important. That guy on the ground, where was his squad? I hope he’s all good.