Tara Ward brings you her Shortland Street Power Rankings for last week, including Lucy’s diary, Ali’s waxwork model and a TV nightmare at the Warner manor.

1) In an exclusive excerpt from Lucy’s diary, we discover she had the busiest week in the history of Shortland Street:

Tuesday

Broke up with Finn, but not before I drank all his wine. Nearly drowned at beach and had CPR pash with Ali who was stalking me from the sand dunes (so romantic). We are totally in love. So only about 10-15 minutes without a bf, yay me.

Wednesday

Got out of hospital after my ‘drunk body surfing’ episode. I cried a lot and my skin went blotchy, fml.

Thursday

Told Sabina I was sorry for ruining her wedding. For some reason, she was really rude to me. Also Ali and I had the worst kiss ever. CPR mouth-to-mouth was better.

Friday

Taught Ali how to kiss! Ended the week on a high! Always good to achieve your goals!

2) Blue gives Victoria the respect she deserves

3) Surprise, surprise: George is not who he seems

Who is George? We might not care, but Dayna does. Mostly because George now owns half of her hospitality empire and the IV profits have tripled since Jimmy stopped singing ‘Slice of Heaven’ every night.

Whoops, did George forget to mention his family doesn’t know he’s married? And that the rest of the world know him by another name? Dayna, do not let George’s man-bun distract you from the fact he has lies seeping from every one of his pores.

4) The Plastic Surgery Clinic is actually located in the 1950s, therefore it’s fine for doctors to make sexually inappropriate comments about their female patients

5) Ali communicated using only his eyes

This week Ali was like a waxwork model – all open mouth, sad eyes and bewildered expression. We knew Ali was feeling emotional because his eyes blinked really quickly when he called off his wedding, professed his love for Lucy and was disowned by his family. It was all worth it though, because Lucy taught him how to pash like a man.

Just don’t stand next to an open flame Ali, we don’t want you to melt.

6) Chris struggles with the modern world

This week, Chris tried to turn on the television. Next week, he’ll attempt to make toast.

7) Nicole feels something in her waters

Something weird is going on with Patrick and Jemima, and Nicole won’t rest until she finds out what it is. Why does Patrick pretend to be so nice? Why does Jemima cry all the time? Why are Patrick’s shoes so bright you need sunglasses to look at them?

Here’s another mystery to solve, Nicole: how does a subset of temporary characters rate lower in this week’s power rankings than a man trying to turn a on a television? Answer: blame Patrick’s alarming combo of business shirt and sneaks.

8) Finn channels Mr T

“I pity the fools who let you down,” Finn flirted with Lucy. “Now quit your jibba-jabba.“

Shortland Street airs 7pm weekdays of TV2, click here to catch up on TVNZ Ondemand

This content, like all television coverage we do at The Spinoff, is brought to you thanks to the excellent folk at Lightbox. Do us and yourself a favour by clicking here to start a FREE 30 day trial of this truly wonderful service.

Madeleine Chapman and her Aunty Henga assess the skills, builds, and tattoos in Game of Bros, Māori television’s reality quest for the ultimate Polynesian warrior.

This week on Game of Bros, the challenges revolved around food and cooking. Naturally Aunty Henga and I ate KFC for dinner whilst planting our judging eyes on the final seven bros.

In memory of Selwyn, who was eliminated last week, Pani and Pani wore some pretty gross gumboots throughout the episode. We miss you, Selwyn.

The first challenge was to deseed a pawpaw without using your hands. Aunty Henga immediately found a loophole in the challenge. “Can’t use your hands? Use a spoon.” Flawless logic that none of the contestants were clever enough to pick up on. Instead, they used their faces.

The second challenge was to make oka, a raw fish and coconut dish. For most of the bros it was their first time making the dish – and it showed. I asked Aunty Henga how many times it took her to make good oka and she replied, “I think first go. When we were young we only got to watch. So once you were given the task it better be perfect or you’ll be bunnyhop. Smack.”

So there you have it. My Aunty Henga won both challenges while eating a wicked wing in our living room.

1) Michael

Michael takes out the top spot this week for just being good. He put coriander in his oka – a brave move – and one of the Pani’s liked it despite hating coriander. What is this sorcery? His prize basket win brought out some mixed emotions and side eyes.

2) Iosefa

Iosefa once again found himself in a slightly homoerotic situation this week. After the bum tap from two weeks ago, observant viewers (me) noticed James running his hands down Iosefa’s back during the fish filleting tutorial. What is going on there?

3) Louis

Louis brings out the best in Aunty Henga. She was quietly enjoying her chicken until Louis referred to pawpaw as “popo”. Aunty Henga was not going to let that slide. “Hey man, it’s pawpaw! Po is the name of my cousin.” Louis also included an onion in his fruit display. It wasn’t even a pretty onion either.

4) Jordan 

Usually a strong contestant, Jordan nearly brought Aunty Henga to tears when he displayed not one, but three incorrect ways to grate a coconut. “What is he doing?!” she cried, “that’s not-” and then she was too stunned to speak. Some things can never be unseen.

5) James

In a shocking upset, James was sent home this week. There were a lot of teary eyes when they announced it, not from Aunty Henga though. James even won the first challenge which leads me to believe that he was eliminated for being too bots.

6) Thierry 

Thierry had a lot of screen time this week which hinted that he was going to be disqualified. Another hint was that he was useless in both challenges. He came last in the pawpaw challenge and his raw fish looked like porridge. Worst of all, he was wearing a red earring that may or may not have been stick-on.

DISQUALIFIED – Ramon

Ramon actually performed quite well this week. Too bad he was disqualified in the first 90 seconds. Next week’s challenges are set indoors, so maybe he won’t feel the need to wear a certain hoodie yet again. We can only hope.

I asked Aunty Henga who she thought would win overall now that we were halfway through the competition. She thought for a while then said, “It’s hard to tell because not all of them are good.”

I thought that was an sufficiently brutal note to end on but she wasn’t finished.

“I need to look at the calendar, I don’t even know their names.” She took the promotional calendar that I had given her and methodically went through the contestants, stared each in the eye, and folded over all the ones who had been eliminated.

Absolutely chilling.

Game of Bros airs Thursdays 8pm on Māori television, click here for the rest of our GOB coverage 

This content, like all television coverage we do at The Spinoff, is brought to you thanks to the excellent folk at Lightbox. Do us and yourself a favour by clicking here to start a FREE 30 day trial of this truly wonderful service.