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Don’t pass go, do not collect $200, go straight to the front and enjoy the film. (Image Design: Tina Tiller)
Don’t pass go, do not collect $200, go straight to the front and enjoy the film. (Image Design: Tina Tiller)

Pop CultureAugust 14, 2023

Hear me out: The best seats in the cinema are up the front

Don’t pass go, do not collect $200, go straight to the front and enjoy the film. (Image Design: Tina Tiller)
Don’t pass go, do not collect $200, go straight to the front and enjoy the film. (Image Design: Tina Tiller)

You’re there to see the movie, not to watch other audience members being annoying. Sam Brooks has the perfect solution to this problem – and it’s all about where you choose to sit. 

This past week, I saw five films in the New Zealand International Film Festival, all of them at Auckland’s gorgeous Civic Theatre. For all but one, I was seated in my favourite spot: Row D, a little bit to the right. 

I got to see Natalie Portman’s poreless face in May December, count every drop that Jussi Vatanen guzzled down in Fallen Leaves, and fall into Koji Yakusho’s beatific smile in Perfect Days. It was just me, and these four (pretty damn great) films.

If I was sitting in what is generally assumed to be the best seats in The Civic – somewhere in the back half, close to the centre –  I wouldn’t have had that experience. Even during some middle-of-the-day screenings I would likely have been confronted by what passes for normal cinema behaviour in the present day – people on their phones, people leaning over to ask a question at the precise moment they forget how to whisper, people deciding whether they want to put their crotch or their rear in someone’s face as they shuffle in and out.

Instead I got to sit in my row D seat watching a film as it was intended: being able to watch the film, and just the film.

A buzzing Civic Theatre (Photo: Dave Simpson/WireImage/Getty Images)

Sitting near the front is what I do in any cinema now, whether it’s The Civic or anywhere else that’s showing a film I want to see. Even if the place is empty, I’ll still waltz my way over to a row between B and E, plop myself down with a popcorn and a wine or beer, or both (seeing Barbenheimer? Try pinotlager) to enjoy whatever is before me.

By doing this, I get around boring audience admin. If I’m alone, I’m rarely at any risk of a stranger sitting next to me, which as we all know is one of the worst things that can happen to a cinema goer. I’m also rarely at risk of having somebody say to me “Um, that’s my seat”, unless the movie is sold out.

Most importantly, I don’t have to actually see anybody. Cinemas are, essentially, public spaces. And like most public spaces, people can do whatever the hell they like in them. They can talk. They can eat loudly. They can check their phone. They can bob their head in ways that are distracting even in the enveloping darkness of a cinema. Literally, anything.

If you’re in the back row, you can see all these people do whatever they want to do. Because they’re in front of the screen you’ve paid to watch. That’s how things work, spatially.

But me? I’m in row E. Do whatever you want, rows H-Z, I’m sitting here watching Emily Blunt swill a wine in Oppenheimer, wondering if Christopher Nolan is sexist or just dumb. Come in at any time, seat S26; I’m nodding my head at America Ferrera’s climactic monologue in Barbie. Come in and out all you like, usher, I’ll be here, not making a fuss, in row E.

When I see a movie, I’m not there to see other people. I’m there to see a movie.

(Note: Like most public norms, this doesn’t apply to rowdy or midnight screenings. These are meant to be raucous, community events. I will sit wherever I can in these performances, and enjoy myself accordingly!)

Silky Otter
The front row at Silky Otter cinema (Photo: Supplied)

I can hear your objections, even as I type this, days before you angrily clicked on a headline to disagree with me.

“I’ll hurt my neck?” Nope. You might have to gaze upwards, but if you’re bending your neck to look at the screen from even the front row, your posture might be the issue. (Also, if bending your neck hurts, you might need medical attention.)

“I’ll hurt my eyes!” This one is kind of valid, but I’ve never felt any pain in my eyeballs. Again, you’re probably far enough away from the screen that you’re fine. Your phone screen is probably more of a hazard to your eyes than this cinema screen is.

“It looks weird.” OK, look. I’m gonna tell you a secret:

The movie looks pretty much the same no matter where you sit. Because that’s what the camera is for: to frame the action from a certain direction. The difference you feel when you’re sitting in the third row compared to the 13th or 30th is infinitesimal – except in the latter you’re more likely to be distracted by all of the things I have outlined above.

And honestly, it might look better. One of the best cinematic experiences I’ve ever had in my life was when I’d booked supremely late to a screening of The Tree of Life in the NZIFF back in 2011. I ended up being, yup, in row D. It felt like a religious experience, to have an unashamedly cinematic experience, blown up large and shoved in my face, on a screen that was bigger than any I would ever see it on ever again.

And the best part? It was just me and the film.

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— Editor
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Stewart living his Taskmaster dream (Image: The Spinoff, design Tina Tiller)
Stewart living his Taskmaster dream (Image: The Spinoff, design Tina Tiller)

Pop CultureAugust 14, 2023

A strange, strange morning at the Taskmaster NZ house

Stewart living his Taskmaster dream (Image: The Spinoff, design Tina Tiller)
Stewart living his Taskmaster dream (Image: The Spinoff, design Tina Tiller)

Stewart Sowman-Lund gains access to the north Auckland mansion where the TVNZ comedy gameshow is filmed and uncovers the secrets the cameras don’t see.

After four years, the Taskmaster house is a cast member in its own right. The mysterious and ever-evolving setting for the TVNZ comedy show is ostensibly just a house north of Auckland. But for fans of Taskmaster, it’s a memorial to the show itself. Hey look, there are the rafters that David Correos climbed into, in what was probably a health and safety breach. There’s the bar where Leigh Hart attempted to use a leaf blower to make a cocktail. And I think that’s where Urzila Carlson drank a lot of scotch while playing hopscotch?

Returning tonight, season four of Taskmaster NZ sees five new famous faces vying to win a gold bust of Jeremy Wells’ head: Dai Henwood, Mel Bracewell, Ray O’Leary, Karen O’Leary and Sieni Leo’o Olo (aka Bubbah). You’d probably expect that after three seasons, the incoming cast of comedians would be well-versed on how Taskmaster works. But as I found out on a visit to the Taskmaster set back in March, that might not be the case.

It’s a few weeks after Cyclone Gabrielle when I pull up outside the Taskmaster house and am greeted by Paul Williams. In the world of the show, Williams is the Taskmaster’s assistant, a meek and slightly awkward character whose entire purpose is to do whatever it is the Taskmaster, Jeremy Wells, demands. Largely, that means guiding the contestants through the absurd challenges they find written in wax-sealed envelopes. “They all really like me,” Williams says sarcastically of his relationship with the contestants. “I don’t annoy them at all.” (Karen O’Leary later describes Williams to me as “a bit of a dick”, though reluctantly admits that he could be helpful during some tasks.).

In real life, Williams doesn’t seem that far removed from the character he plays on the show, leading me to question whether he’s still in character while showing me around the Taskmaster house. We start our tour upstairs in the study, this season made over with dark green paint and jungle-like vines hanging from the rafters. Behind the desk hangs a Rene Magritte-esque painting of Jeremy Wells with a long bird’s beak. 

The Taskmaster NZ season four study
The Taskmaster NZ season four study (Photo: Stewart Sowman-Lund)

The bookshelves have also been packed with an assortment of loosely-themed objects, including a cheetah, a pair of binoculars and a globe. Books about travel and exploration are stacked up too. To the side of the study, just out of shot from the cameras, Williams points out a curtain that conceals an assortment of extra props, like a spare print of the Wells bird painting made “in case the comedians damage the one on the wall”. Given this is Taskmaster, you really do need to prepare for everything.

The study leads through to a small bedroom that Williams, with the awkwardness of a teenage boy apologising for not cleaning up, admits is his. Occasionally he sleeps over in the Taskmaster house so as to avoid an early morning commute to set. Piled up in a drawer next to the bed are artefacts from previous Taskmaster seasons that should really be collected and donated to some sort of Taskmaster museum. The pile includes draft lyrics from a Guy Montgomery musical task in season two and a piece of paper with some frantic scrawling that could only belong to David Correos.

The cast of Taskmaster NZ season four (Photos: TVNZ / Design: Archi Banal)

Downstairs, we stop at a washing machine. I’m not sure it’s meant to be part of the tour until Williams grabs out a solitary pair of sodden black socks, which he proceeds to carry around with him until remembering they need to dry.

We head out towards the dock, a small wharf that overlooks a swampy green pond, and the setting for a number of water-based tasks. It’s a surprising distance from the main house and along the way, Williams points out several iconic locations from the show. There’s a life-sized lion sculpture, replacing the cow featured in previous seasons (“the cow’s on loan, I think,” says Williams). We pop into the shed and see the fish poster made internationally famous by Rose Matafeo on Taskmaster UK stuck to the inside of the door. There’s the bathtub used for the infuriating final task of season three: “Relocate the water in this bath to that bath”. We pass through the “enchanted forest” and I’m uncomfortably reminded of Paul Ego’s sex witch. 

The famous fish poster in the shed
The famous fish poster in the shed (Photo: Stewart Sowman-Lund)

All the while, Williams is carrying his all-important iPad (and the socks) which reminds me of a question I’ve always had for the Taskmaster assistant, one that has perplexed Reddit for years. “Can you tell me once and for all if the iPad actually controls anything, or if it’s just a prop?” I ask Williams, who looks at me coyly: “I cannot disclose the secrets of the iPad.”

Later, after Williams has been called back for some filming, I’m standing in a gazebo on the back lawn about to watch a team task involving Dai Henwood, Karen O’Leary and Bubbah. They’ve been instructed to weave their way, blindfolded, through a maze. I’m told the task should only take about 10 minutes, but nearly an hour later we’re still standing there watching the trio of comics flounder as they try to complete it. There’s talk of breaking early for lunch, but the contestants are determined to finish the task no matter how long it takes. A crew member tells me that quite often the team tasks don’t make it to air, but this one definitely will. Why? Because “the other team [Mel Bracewell and Ray O’Leary] did it on their first go”. 

It’s part of the joy of Taskmaster that being really bad at a task is often as impressive as being really good at it. For Wells as Taskmaster, that means his job is often determining whether to give points to the best contestant – or the funniest. Bubbah tells me she’d never even heard of the show before being cast, let alone how it works, and that means her performance in the season hasn’t been tampered by any thought of actually winning points. “It was like halfway in when Paul was like ‘what do you think the Taskmaster’s gonna say’? I was like ‘Who the fuck is the Taskmaster’?” she says. “Obviously I have not been thinking about how he’s going to react.” 

A Taskmaster task being filmed
A Taskmaster task about to be filmed (Photo: Stewart Sowman-Lund)

Henwood also went in largely blind, though at least he actually knew what the show was. He was originally set to appear in season one of Taskmaster NZ, but ultimately had to wait another three years before being cast. “I went ‘I don’t want to watch it’ because I didn’t want to be influenced’. I purposefully kept myself in the dark and now I’m going to binge watch the old ones and go ‘I should have prepped for this’,” he laughs. Karen O’Leary was perhaps the most prepared – but she was hardly a diehard Taskmaster fan. She’d watched snippets from previous seasons and admits to trying to appeal to Wells’s ego in her performance. “I think he’s someone who is quite pedantic… My aim is to try and find my own exception to what the tasks are by mucking with how they have been worded,” she says. “I’m sure Jeremy will understand, but time will tell.” 

For me, visiting the Taskmaster house means I’ll be watching this season of the show with a newfound eye for detail. I won’t just be looking for the David Correos rafters or the Paul Ego enchanted forest. Instead, will we learn why Paul Williams needed to wash his socks? Will I notice if they’ve swapped out the painting in the study for the back-up? And most importantly, will we get a glimpse inside that spare bedroom? Only time will tell.

Taskmaster NZ airs Mondays and Tuesdays at 7.30pm on TVNZ 2.

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