Alex Casey recaps week three of Rachel Hunter’s Tour of Beauty, where we travel to Greece and things get a little muddy.
We are going to Greece this week for some much-needed chill out time. I’m tired, Rachel’s tired, so why not take a trip to the people live longer than anywhere else in the world, therefore giving them so many more blessed years to complain about being tired?
Rachel starts off in Athens at sunrise. “You can really feel the power” she says vaguely, staring out into the abyss. Got news for you mate, the main attraction is right behind you, stop perving at the Acropolis car park for once in your life.
After a turning a cold shoulder to some of the world’s most famous ancient structures, Rach is off to examine some ancients of her own – and by that I mean very old people. She’s staying on an island where people frequently live to over 100, and make love and sex and magic well into their 80s. A man called George Calamaris, proud owner of the most beautiful eyebrows the Tour of Beauty will ever yield is our guide. He’s got some weird views on women and emergencies though.
Rachel can’t believe the stillness and slow pace here, but still can’t resist dropping a “If I was home in LA” statement to remind us all one more time that she is very famous. “It’s so quiet that my ears hurt” Rachel says – perhaps you should get that checked out. You’d never get that in LA.
It’s time to milk some goats, who are treated to an “exceptional” diet of food, strawberry trees and heather. I need to get me a goat. And some dry shampoo. The list is ever-growing. Rachel gets very busy sniffing the bucket of goat milk with a little too much gusto for my taste.
If you thought that liquid gold was nice Rachel, wait till you have a hoon on the local vino. In this community, it’s totally common for people to drink a couple of glasses of wine a day. So that is exactly what they do, popping major bottles in the name of health.
Why don’t I get a documentary crew over when I do this every other night? Come hang out with me Rachel, I’ll show you how eating a burger in the car technically doesn’t count because you are in motion (ditto cinema food due to it being in the dark).
Rachel heads to a radioactive hot spring where a greek Richie Tenenbaum slides massively into her DMs with some kind of mystical oceanic turd. It doesn’t phase her, instead she chooses to plaster it all over her face.
Just before things start to look too racially problematic, we wrap up and head to dinner. Rachel has a tremendous cry in the back yard after a conversation with a lovely woman in the kitchen. The woman just loves to cook and chillax, and Rachel is very overwhelmed by the simplicity of her everyday joy. One might call it “The Los Angeles Blues”.
Time for a BIRTHDAY PARTY of sorts for Rachel as she joins a local festival to celebrate turning 45. She’s trying to keep it a secret, but frankly I don’t even care about her age when there are so many Robert De Niro/Tommy Lee Jones hybrids lurking around.
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So, did Rachel find beauty? “When I get home [to LA], I’ll try my best to make everything from scratch” she swears, noting that her stress levels have reduced and (gasp!) even her lower back pain has eased. God bless that magical turd stone.
As with last week, I am taking stock of all the things I need to achieve the ultimate, global ideal of beauty and youth. Feel free to copy and paste it into your own shopping list as it grows exponentially:
- goat milk
- goat meat
- smooth red wine
- radioactive spring
- mystical turd rock
- boob sticker thing
- caviar face mask
- fricken’ lasers
- brow lift
- peace bandanna
- bullfrog tea
- cancer-preventing soup
- red lipstick
- red nail polish
- BB cream
- dry shampoo
- Trench coat
- Face wine
- Body wine
- Drinking wine
- Large steak, fries, cheeses and pastries
- None of these and just vegetables ^
- Skunk perfume
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