Alex Casey watches Ed Sheeran’s brief but powerful cameo on Home and Away. 

Home and Away’s Marilyn is fussing around, as always, trying to throw together a luxury dinner for her mystery muso guest. She’s got bruschetta, linguini and dessert. What rock star would would be gunning for this absolute beige rider, what kind of sopping wet rag demands “dessert” for dessert?

Only Ed bloody Sheeran.

Gracing the shores of Summer Bay for little to no reason this week, Sheeran made a cameo appearance on the soap AS HIMSELF.

This isn’t the first time this surreal, wall-collapsing, universe-curving wormhole of television has happened. Last year, Ed Sheeran went home to get the guitar, then all the way to Ferndale to strum gently in the back room of The IV.

“You don’t know when he had his last decent meal” Don warns Marilyn, “you know how it is with musos.” Little do they know, they are about to welcome a rocker who regularly drinks the tears of the single from a gold goblet and snacks on the dehydrated flesh of the slaughtered dragon Smaug when he goes to the movies.

Ed walks in and gives Marilyn a tremendous hug. “I can’t believe it,” someone in the kiosk yells, “maybe he’s going to play something.” If I was a gambling woman, I would say he’s 100% definitely, hand-on-heart, Grandmother’s grave-level confident that he’s going to play something.

Sheeran gets scribbling autographs and/or possibly new tattoo designs to add to his positively-Nickelodeon collection. Marilyn is amazed, she didn’t even know he was famous. Better get cacao nibs or some crap for that “dessert” now.

Ed Sheeran walks along the beach, the palest man to ever be seen not only in Summer Bay, but all of Australia. Luckily, he’s wrapped up from head to toe in black clothing, just to fit in. “Is there any possibility that you might be able to… play a little something for us?” a coy local asks, flagrantly unnecessarily. “One song?” Ed replies, in an empty negotiation to slightly elongate the inevitable by about 1.5 seconds.

Aaand we’re at the kiosk, where Ed is waiting with his guitar. Where did he get it from, you ask? Dayna probably just sent it over to him on a floatplane from The IV. “Summer Bay – thank you so much for having me” Ed beams after being there for approximately seven minutes. He begins playing the opening chords to ‘Thinking Out Loud’. That did not take long at all, he didn’t even dip his toes in the water. “I hope this song helps you forget about your troubles, and thank you Marilyn for teaching me about Vegemite.”

The allegedly very-troubled crowd sways, possessed by dulcet tones that they haven’t heard since Irene dropped that pie dish on her foot. They cheer between lines, and Leah suddenly charges across the room to pash somebody in the corner. Sheeran watches them, nodding slowly. He’s used to all of that by now.

After the song the crowd is buzzing – neither they, nor I, can comprehend the magnitude of what we just witnessed. Ed Sheeran strides out of the room with his guitar and presumably straight into the sea, where he will embark on an underwater voyage to his next cross-promotional opportunity: a walk-in role on Spongebob Squarepants.