Sorry to this worm.

At 3.26pm on Friday September 2, 2022, The Spinoff published a Live Update with the headline: “Send this giant worm straight to hell please“. The update referred to a news story from Christchurch, in which a nine-year-old named Barnaby Domigan found a giant dead worm in his backyard that was more than a metre long. Domigan named the deceased worm Mr Dead Fred.

Since publication of this update, The Spinoff has received correspondence from lawyers acting on behalf of the estate of the subject of the article, one Mr Dead Fred. They allege that this news article, one that characterised Mr Fred as “nightmare fuel”, a “dirty earth snake” and a “hell monster” was untrue and seriously damaging to his reputation. 

The Spinoff will not be amending the update, but would like to acknowledge the work that over 200 species of worms in Aotearoa, including Mr Fred, have contributed to our natural environment. The Spinoff acknowledges that worms such as Mr Fred are crucial in improving soil condition, reducing contaminants and combatting soil erosion. 

The Spinoff accepts that Mr Fred is not in fact a “dirty earth snake” but most likely spenceriella gigantea, the largest form of native subsoil earthworm. The Spinoff is aware that this would make Mr Fred a member of the megascolecidae family, and acknowledges their presence in Aotearoa since about 65 million years before The Spinoff alleged they were “nightmare fuel”. 

In the Spinoff’s defence, we would like to point to the expertise of John Marris, curator of the University of Lincoln’s entomology research collection, who said Mr Fred looked like “the creature from the black lagoon”. The Spinoff challenges those acting on behalf of the complainant to look at this picture of Mr Fred’s associate without feeling a little bit sick, while also acknowledging the place of Mr Fred and his associates as creatures of wonder.

The Spinoff apologises for suggesting Mr Fred should be sent “straight to hell” in the headline, but would also like to quote creepy crawly expert William Eilish, who once said “all the good girls go to hell”. The Spinoff acknowledges that Mr Fred could have been a good girl (worms are hermaphrodites) when he was alive, and laments that The Spinoff will never know for sure. 

Finally, The Spinoff accepts that the giant dead worm should not be in hell, nor heaven, but in Te Papa, right next to the giant dead squid and the gravel maggot named Smeagol.