Dating Files: A lesbian who mostly just likes going on dates
'I'm already busy with things I love to do.'
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Age: 33
Gender: Female
Sexuality: Lesbian
Ethnicity: Pākehā
Religion: None
Occupation: Data analyst
My living location is: Wellington
The apps I’m on: None
I’m looking for: Nothing, really! I like meeting people and going on dates, but I don't know if I'm meant for anything more than that. I really took that advice we all get given about having a rich and fulfilling solo life first to heart, and it makes escalating relationships hard, because I'm already busy with things I love to do.
Mostly I’m finding: I go on a few dates with people and occasionally stumble into shorter term relationships (3-6 months).
My last serious relationship was: Not sure I can say I've ever had a serious relationship! Of the last few 3-6 month bursts:
- Mar '26, ended because I didn't feel like I was as invested as she was and didn't want to lead her on – she's since moved overseas, and made friends with one of my old buddies over there!
- Jul '25, ended because she wanted kids and I didn't – she's since had a beautiful baby <3
- Nov '24, ended as planned – she was only over here on a short visa.
The worst date I ever had: I was living in London for a few years, so obviously travel came up. She said she'd never gone anywhere, then corrected herself – she'd gone to Thailand.
"Oh? That's such a long way for your one trip! What took you there?"
Well. Turns out it was for breast augmentation surgery. No judgement, but it meant she spent the whole stay recovering. The one thing she did do was on the last night, when she went down to the hotel bar and got drunk with the sex workers there. Then, one of them passed out and had to be carried up to this woman's hotel room.
This was all shared in a dead serious tone, and then we sat in silence for a long while.
The best date I ever had: I love an activity date, where you're doing something together while getting to know one another. The City Gallery used to run little art activities at their Open Lates, and I had a great date there once. Another time, my girlfriend and I went to dim sum on Sunday morning, then decided on a whim to go play pool after, which was super fun.
The most regrettable thing I ever did on a date: Stuck around for another hour after an American woman I went on a date with went on a bit of a tirade about how glad she was I didn't ask who she voted for, how obsessed we all were with their politics, etc. At the time, I gave her the benefit of the doubt that it was just an exhausting thing to have strangers constantly commenting on politics at all, but the next hour proved it was because she voted for Trump, so. Poor choice!
The best thing a date ever did for me: Get me a cat safe bouquet! Flowers are always lovely, but if they have lillies in them, I can't bring them home. It was so sweet she did her research on which flowers she could provide.
The biggest red flag I’ve seen on a date: Gotta be Trump woman. It's always shocking when queer women are conservative!
On a date I usually wear: I'm often coming straight from work, so usually trousers and a button down or a nice dress. On the weekend, jeans, graphic tee and leather jacket is the go-to.
I have sex when: I feel like it, but that's pretty rare. Optimal frequency for me would probably be once or twice a month?
I wish dating was: Cheaper! I love dating, but boy, my bank acount always looks rough after I've been dating for a month or two. I just do so much more expensive things with dates than friends.
This is what I think about who pays on dates: Split payment is pretty expected on a date between queer women - whether at each spot or taking turns. Occasionally I'll treat someone and appreciate the same, but usually that's if one of us specifically wants to take the lead.
Three words that describe my dream date: Fun, flirty, competitive.
My dating advice is: Be yourself. People sometimes think that means more people will want to date you if you're genuine. This won't always be true, but it does mean you won't wind up dating someone who doesn't want to date you and instead wants to date the person you're pretending to be.
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