Normally I would never ask someone out at their job. But I think she might be the most perfect person ever to exist. Help!

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Dear Hera,

This is a hilariously stupid problem, but I have the BIGGEST crush on my cat’s vet. My cat has a recurring medical issue so I’ve been to see her a few times in the last couple of months, and I get so flustered every time. 

I know it’s not cool to hit on people at work and I really don’t wanna be a creep. But I think there’s a slight possibility that she might be into me as well. She’s extremely friendly and complimented all my tattoos, and has even gone on random tangents about pretty personal stuff, including how she shares custody of her dog with an ex-girlfriend, so I know she’s gay. But I’m traditionally horrible at knowing when people are flirting with me, and I could be misreading the situation. 

Normally I would never even consider asking out someone at their job. But I think she might be the most perfect and beautiful person ever to exist. Help!

Thanks in advance,

Crushing   

Dear Crushing, 

Thank you for this gorgeous and hilarious letter. 

Whether or not you can hit on someone at their place of employment is an extremely controversial subject. Many people would say absolutely not, under no circumstances, and I can kind of understand where they’re coming from. Anyone who has ever worked in a public-facing role has probably had at least a few extremely tedious encounters with someone who has confused a friendly customer service interaction with the precursor to a great love affair. 

In general, it’s wise to remember service workers are essentially being paid to be nice to you, and aren’t allowed to tell you to fuck off without putting their livelihoods at risk, so it’s not a great way to gauge someone’s potential romantic interest in you. 

On the other hand, as someone who has worked (and still works) in customer service, you often do meet really great people on the job. I’ve made a few friends over the post office counter. I think the growing realisation that we shouldn’t treat retail workers like a dating sim is fundamentally a good thing. But shooting the shit with strangers is a delightful and enriching part of life, and you can’t afford to be too precious. After all, a cat may look at a king. 

There are no hard and fast rules when it comes to dating. I find the idea that asking someone out at their job is inherently unethical a boring way to live. It’s also a fairly modern attitude. Ask any married person whose relationship predates the internet how they met their spouse, and you’re guaranteed to hear a few stories that would put hair on the modern, depilated chest. Before we had the apps, the world was rife with people propositioning their hairdressers and the department store clerk gift-wrapping your son’s model train. 

There are definitely some professions it’s more socially acceptable to hit on than others. It’s much creepier to ask out your regular massage therapist than the guy who works at the zoo gift shop. But you don’t have to go far to find examples of people who have beaten the odds and hooked up with their gynaecologist or children’s piano teacher. I’m of the opinion that you should be able to give your number to anyone, even Mr Whippy, if the chemistry is right. 

In the spirit of sociological research, I looked for variations of this question on r/relationships and found a couple of very similar quandaries, with various vet nurse professionals weighing in in the comments. Some vets were strongly against the idea of being asked out at work. Other comments were full of charming anecdotes about vets who had met their future spouse after pumping the anal glands of a handsome stranger’s elderly bichon frise. With such mixed responses, I can only err on the side of romance. 

The problem with being overly prescriptive about dating rules is that it frightens off those with emotional intelligence, and does absolutely nothing to deter the serial offenders, who are unlikely to be put off by a stern advice column and will continue to hit on every midwife, arresting officer and 17-year-old exotic pet supply store clerk, happily unencumbered by the burden of self-reflection. 

Like most questions of dating etiquette, the real answer is to learn to read the room. And I think your “reading” suggests modest cause for hope. It’s impossible to tell whether your vet fancies you, or whether she’s just naturally gregarious. But her mentioning an ex-girlfriend tips the balance slightly in your favour. Maybe it was just a throwaway comment and not a lesbian bat signal. But it sounds like the two of you are on pretty good terms, and the way you describe your interactions makes me think she probably isn’t the kind of person to be mortally offended if you ask her out and it turns out she’s not interested. 

Of course, there’s no harm doing a little research. Can you tell anything about her relationship status from her social media profiles? Have you ever seen her on the dating apps? What if you narrow the search parameters to single gay vets in a five-mile radius? You could even wait until the next time you’re picking up your cat’s worming tablets, and throw out a few unsubtle references to an ex-girlfriend of your own. None of this is proof of concept, but it might help you to feel more confident in your approach. 

I agree that it’s usually bad form to hit on someone offering you a paid service. But I’m also a diehard romantic. If she secretly reciprocates your feelings, she’s currently more fettered by the situation than you, because if hitting on your vet is socially dubious, your vet hitting on you is a million times worse. So the half-chewed tennis ball is in your court here. 

If I were you, I would formulate a good exit strategy before going ahead. It probably goes without saying, but since it’s technically my job to say it, you need to be prepared to take any kind of rejection with extremely good grace. If it were me, I would probably consider pre-emptively switching vets for some allegedly innocuous reason that doesn’t reflect negatively on your vet’s talent, and take your last appointment as an opportunity to thank her for all the amazing work she’s done on your cat, Spiderman. Then, with appropriate humility, ask her out. If she says no, then neither of you have to suffer the embarrassment of ever seeing each other again. If she says yes, then please, for the love of god, send me an invitation to your wedding. 

If you were only casually interested in her, I’d advise you to give it a miss. But seeing as you have described her as “the most perfect and beautiful person ever to exist,” I can only throw up both hands and commend your soul to Cupid. 

Good luck!