‘We don’t share finances – but I imagine this will be a conversation when I move in.’
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Age: 30
Gender: Female
Sexuality: Idk, intriguing people
Ethnicity: Pākeha, Portuguese, Ngāpuhi
Religion: N/A
Occupation: Policy advisor
Length of relationship: 1.5 years
Children: His two kids
How we met: We were both working at the same company, different teams. About a year and a half to two years in he started to ask about all the trail running I was doing and made up some story about wanting to do a race with his brother and if he could join in sometime. We went for a couple runs together over about six months with me holding him at arm’s length since he was a divorcee with kids… but eventually the runs must’ve worked their magic… (and he hasn’t run since).
The best thing about my relationship: We are each other’s safe space and biggest cheerleaders to just be, and to explore, ourselves – alone and together.
A problem we can’t seem to resolve: Nothing major – we have really good comms and conflict management so even when things aren’t sunshine and roses, we know how to figure it out over time.
This is how we share/separate our finances: We don’t share finances – but I imagine this will be a conversation when I move in. He has more expenses with his kids, and I earn a lot less than him. For big bills I definitely will want clarity and structure that feels fair. However, we’re both generous with each other and take turns to just pay for random things without keeping too much of a tally.
This is how we split chores and childcare: This is a work in progress. We are currently discussing how this will work when I move in. We are in agreement that systems are important for both us and the kids – so we will probably split chores by what we enjoy doing and then divvy out the rest depending on what we have on during the week (e.g. me washing, him the firewood and garden, both of us and the kids are cooking and dishes etc).
Our sex life in three words: Irregular, hot, sensual
The thing that makes me a good partner: I think I am pretty grounded most of the time and able to be a good ear for working out tricky things. I also just want people to be themselves and explore what makes them happy so like to push my partners to explore themselves with and without me.
The thing I need to work on to be a better partner: Letting the little things go, not nit picking for perfection in terms of chores etc
What I most appreciate in my partner: He is so devoted but not in a suffocating way. I don’t question us or his love for me.
What I most resent in my relationship: We are currently doing long distance and the financial side of the back and forth is making my bank account very unhappy.
The thing that has changed the most about my relationship over time: There was a little turbulence at the start – what with me pushing him away and being a little spooked by kids and an ex-wife – but even though those things are still complicated factors in our life, it feels like a life that I have really leaned into and fits well for us both.
It would surprise people to know this about my relationship: People ask me a lot about whether I want kids myself and how that affects my relationship long term. I don’t want my own kids, but I do want a family.
Our last big fight was about: A friend of mine and how he was responding to some resentment between them. It’s the only time we have ever really argued and been angry at each other. It’s a work in progress, but we both know what we need to work on and are trying to avoid a repeat.
If I hadn’t met my partner: I’d probably be living overseas.
I expect my relationship to last until: Who knows? Hopefully until death do us part or whatever but maybe until we are no longer in a position to let each other grow and change together.
My relationship advice is: Work on your listening skills and humility. Really try to work out what is going on beneath the initial, surface emotion of both you and your partner. Love fiercely, while maintaining your independent self.
