Their other kids get fancy appliances. We get second hand bric-a-brac. What gives?

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Kia ora Hera,

My in-laws are wonderful people. They really are. But for reasons unknown to me, they give us terrible gifts.

I know I sound ungrateful but let me explain a bit more and maybe you can help me get out of the thought spiral I find myself in every holiday season.

My in-laws routinely gift their other children really thoughtful and often expensive gifts. Quality appliances, lovely clothing, furniture. They can be very generous. But for us, they often give us bric-a-brac from op shops, socks or bad books.

Don’t get me wrong – in theory, all of those things could be really great. But in practice, they feel like an afterthought. Indeed, often we will be told in the gifting that it was a rush job. Or my MIL will go out on my partner’s birthday and come back with a collection of odds and ends from the supermarket as gifts. So the “it’s the thought that counts” reasoning doesn’t really hold.

Some people are just bad at gifting. But the comparison between how we are treated and the others are is doing my head in. And I can’t work out why. We are neither the worst or the best off. We have a pretty good relationship with them. We put a lot of thought into the gifts we get them. We all live in different cities so it’s not like the baggage considerations are different.

For awhile I used to think it was because the others had kids and we didn’t, but then we had kids and our kids seem to miss out too which has really got me thinking about it more. In fact, on their trips up to see us they’ll often buy gifts for the other grandkids but not ours. My husband has a Christmas birthday so that could explain something but what really happens is that he misses out doubly as a result.

I know that it’s an explanation that can’t really be found but I’d like a way to not think about it because it can really drive me to distraction and sometimes feels like it’s driving a wedge in an otherwise quite positive relationship. Have we somehow wronged them? Do we somehow give off the impression that we like bad gifts? Am I a dickhead for caring about this at all as an adult????

I haven’t brought it up with my husband because his love language is gifts and I don’t want him to feel sad about it if he hasn’t noticed. Their love language is also gifts (or so they profess).

So in lieu of an explanation for what’s happening (although if you can solve it in a way I can’t see please do help) I’d love a way to stop caring about this silly little grinchy feeling inside me.

Thanks,
An Overthinker

Dear Overthinker,

This is one of those torturous, unsolvable mysteries which will either haunt me until I die or for the next two weeks, whichever comes first.

Maybe you were overly complimentary about a knick-knack your in-laws bought you from an op shop, and now they feel like they’re onto a winning thing? Maybe you weren’t complimentary enough about the monogrammed towel set, and they’ve arbitrarily crossed you off their Briscoes wishlist. Maybe they’re completely unaware of any disparity. I suspect that if you’re regularly getting novelty socks, it means your in-laws consider your family “hard to buy for,” even if this has no meaningful basis in reality. Maybe they found your husband hard to shop for as a teenager, and over the years, it’s become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

If this was just about the two of you, I’d tell you to grit your teeth and ignore it, but the situation becomes more complicated now that you have kids. It must hurt to see them missing out. I do think it’s rude for your in-laws to bring presents for the other grandkids and not yours, especially if your kids are aware they’re being overlooked. It may just be an age thing – if your kids are still very young, you might find their grandparents step up when the kids are old enough to have discernible hobbies. But if the pattern continues, it might be worth asking your partner to have a word to his parents about “fairness” – at least when it comes to their grandkids. This may have no effect. Some grandparents have blatant favourites, and it’s not the end of the world. The kids will pick up on it, but they won’t be unduly traumatised. We can’t all be taking advanced clarinet and studying to be a marine biologist, or whatever spins grandma’s wheels.

Disappointing gifts are usually disappointing because they make you feel misunderstood or overlooked in some way. You’re obviously more worried about what these gifts say about your position in the family, than missing out on the fancy kitchenware, although I’m sure you’d also like the fancy kitchenware. But because they’re your husband’s family, there’s nothing much you can do about it. In order to take the edge off, I’d suggest matching their effort and delegating all present shopping for that side of the family to your partner. If they ever get you something you really like, make a big fuss over it, so they know they’re on the right track.

I don’t think you’re a dickhead for caring, but I also think there’s nothing particularly constructive you can do. “Don’t think so hard about it” is not very actionable advice, but I think at least making the decision that your husband’s mysterious family hierarchies are his own problem to worry about, and refocusing your efforts into something you can positively influence – like throwing a fun celebration for your own kids – is probably the best way to make peace with the situation.

Gift giving is one of these family rituals that come with obscure but highly specific internal logic, which is impossible to unpack, especially if you didn’t grow up with said family. I think if you have an otherwise good relationship with your in-laws and your husband remains happily oblivious, it’s best to resign yourself to being annually underwhelmed with the best grace you can muster. The second his relatives are safely back on the plane, go straight to the nearest department store, and like Mrs Dalloway, buy yourself the dual-action stick blender.

Good luck!