The longest commute, day six: Joel won’t make it to Cape Reinga

Last night I arrived at The Strand in Parnell and immediately went to the pub, which is short for public house, which is a similar phrase to public transport.

I stayed in Auckland with two of my friends, up-and-coming sports radio legends Andy McDonnell and Lachlan Waugh. After the pub, they took me on a Lime scooter adventure through the main artery of heartland New Zealand from Parnell to Ponsonby.

Once again, I found myself unintentionally off-roading; this time through Victoria Park.

Today, I’m taking a 7:30am bus from Auckland to Paihia.

I slept on a leather couch last night, which is one of the worst possible fabrics to sleep on. Have you ever wanted to lie on a glue trap made of your own sweat?

I set a 6:10 alarm but woke up 20 minutes beforehand. That’s happened every morning so far; I wake up with a fright thinking I have slept through my alarm only to realise it is 3am.

This morning I took a Lime scooter from my friends’ flat in Ponsonby to the Intercity bus depot by the Sky Tower. It was nice not having to rely on Google maps. So long as you can see the Sky Tower, it’s hard to get lost in central Auckland.

This bus is a class above the ones I rode in the South Island. It’s a double-decker with adjustable overhead air vents, reading lights and wifi which is working pretty well so far. But the amenity I’m most excited about is this power outlet. Battery anxiety has been one of the leading causes of stress on this trip. The trains had USB ports for charging my phone, but I had to be extremely judicious about how often I posted from my laptop.

Oh, and huge news: I’m allowed to eat on this bus.

Here is the bus is going over the Auckland Harbour Bridge. It’s a nice bridge, but after seeing the Rakaia River Bridge it’s hard to be impressed by something so small.

I took the helicopter hat off because it didn’t feel appropriate. Helicopter hats are joyful and I did not feel joyful. I was having a brief angry boomer moment because four teenage boys next to me were talking TOO LOUDLY in French. Then, then they started talking across me to their other mate a row back. I’m too tired for this shit.

I gave them a loud, passive aggressive sigh as I got up to move seats. Unfortunately, I rather diminished the moment by banging my head on the overhead storage compartment.

I’m now sitting towards the rear of the bus on a backwards-facing seat, which I don’t love but at least it’s quiet.

In yet another edition of “Joel gets free stuff for no apparent reason”, Intercity gave me this care package of snacks with a little note inside.

“Buses may not be your number one pick for getting from A to B, but we’re glad you’re hopping about with us,” it said.

“And no worries – snacks are welcome in board! Just promise is there won’t be any hot pies in sight”.

Here’s what’s in the care package: Whittaker’s creamy milk chocolate, Pop’n’Good light & buttery popcorn, Grain Waves sour cream & chives chips, Copper Kettle sea salt chips, The Natural Confectionary Co snakes, Mother Earth deluxe mixed nuts, Nice & Natural choc nut bars, Sunreal dried mango, a 750ml Pump, and a 30-piece 3D model of a bus.

But by far the most exciting part was this pair of Ralph Lauren socks, in Intercity green. This is the third pair of socks I’ve been gifted so far on this trip after the Speight’s socks from Alex Casey in Christchurch and the crustacean socks from that baddie in Kaikōura.

The loud French teenagers got off the bus in Warkworth. Clearly, once I unleashed the full force of my passive-aggressive sigh, they did what comes naturally to the French and surrendered.

The bus stopped for a 15-minute break at Tulip Cafe in Kaiwaka. Since I wasn’t hungry, I read the local paper, the Kaipara Lifestyler. Here’s what you need to know:

Lorraine Davidson is hosting a kūmara cake baking challenge, which will be “great practice for the big kūmara bake-off at next year’s Northern Wairoa A&P show”.

Lighthouse Church threw an alternative dress-up party on October 31 because they didn’t like “how dark and scary Halloween has become”.

The Kaipara Heritage Machinery Club has “something to interest both men and women”.

Kauri Court rest home hosted a quiz night challenge against four other rest homes. Harrison Shane Pomare won a meat pack for being best dressed.

The Mangawhai Players will be performing Aladdin The Pantomime at the Otamatea Repertory Theatre. “The audience is actively encouraged to join in by booing[…]”

The Dargaville Friendship Group for Seniors meets on the second Tuesday of every month at Memorial Park.

Pristine Biologicals Ltd is looking to hire a “dynamic go-getter” and “a think outside-the-square individual” who can “follow compliance” and “adhere to health and safety regulations.”

Kurt is offering medieval combat lessons every Wednesday evening for $15 per person. Equipment provided. His phone number is 022 622 7809.

KiwiRail maintains the train tracks up to Whangārei, but they’re only used for freight to service the port Marsden Point. The closest you can get to here on a regular passenger train is an Auckland commuter service to Hibiscus Coast.

I’ve made it to Paihia but something terrible has happened that could put this entire trip in jeopardy. I need to go make some calls. I’ll fill you in soon.

The entire mission is about to implode.

I’ll let you in on a bit of inside backstory about this journey. Just as I arrived at Wellington Airport on Sunday to fly down to Invercargill, I got an email telling me that my final bus to Cape Reinga, a day tour run by Fullers, had been cancelled for “operational reasons.”

Fullers offered to take me the following day instead, but that wasn’t possible. I need to get back to Wellington on Tuesday to cover the national apology to survivors of abuse in care.

My first thought was that I should just accept failure because it would be kind of funny for a public transport tour of New Zealand to end because the public transport was too unreliable. I had a poetic ending planned for Waitangi; if I couldn’t get to the end of the country, I could at least get to the place where the nation began.

But then, during our tandem bike ride in Christchurch, Shanti Mathias inspired me not to give up. I was determined to make it to the end by any means possible.

The Spinoff’s Slack channel jumped into action, offering alternatives. We debated whether a taxi was allowed (no) or hitch-hiking (slightly better but still not in the spirit of the mission). There was a concerningly serious discussion about borrowing a horse from Ahipara Horse Treks, which ended when I informed my colleagues that I did not know how to ride a horse. My preferred solution was to get the final Intercity bus to Kaitaia and hire a bike for the remaining 94km. I was pretty sure I could handle the distance one way, but not if it was a return trip of 188km.

Before I committed to anything, I did a final check to see if there were any other tour bus operators going to Cape Reinga. Several different websites offered a bus tour to Cape Reinga, but they were all just different providers selling the same Fullers tour that had already been cancelled. But eventually, I found a different Cape Reinga bus tour run by Bay of Islands Tours.

I was so excited that I missed this clause in the fine print: “We require a minimum of six passengers to operate this tour.” I just spoke to a staff member from Bay of Islands Tours who told me they had only sold three tickets. The bus has been cancelled, they’re refunding me now.

I don’t know how I’m going to get to Cape Reinga. I’m running around making phone calls and talking to every information centre and tour operator I can find. It’s very stressful. I’ve been travelling for 125 hours and have covered 1,917 kilometres. I really don’t want it to end here.

Get it to Te Papa.

I’m going to go visit the Treaty Grounds while I ponder my next step. I’ll put my thoughts into a longer writeup tomorrow morning.

Hello, Mad Chapman here, interrupting the dildo chat with some unfortunate news. Joel can’t get to Cape Reinga.

Turns out, there literally is no public transport that far north and the tour bus he had booked (already a bit of a cheat but the only option) has now been cancelled twice. And so there can only be one conclusion to the longest commute: concede to the system and travel as far as possible on real public transport. That means at least Kaitaia tomorrow and then whatever local buses Joel can find until he reaches the literal end of New Zealand’s public transport system and therefore his journey.

Why am I announcing this? Well for one, Joel’s phone is on 1% and he’s at Waitangi. But mostly I’m sneaking in here to publicly announce this before Joel suggests (again) that he could cycle 94km from Kaitaia to Cape Reinga. Joel cannot cycle to Cape Reinga because while I have no doubt in his cycling abilities or fitness, there is no guarantee of a ride back down, a place to stay if no ride, or even a bike that could get him there.

He was planning to hire an e-bike but no e-bike has a 94km range. Not to mention hiring a bike is pretty clearly a private transport option, even if it is far less convenient than a car.

And so I have put my foot down and said no to the biking and therefore said no to Joel reaching Cape Reinga. You might be thinking that’s mighty hypocritical coming from someone who cycled 120km on a single-gear pushbike for a Spinoff story and you’d be right. I’m being a hypocrite. It seems I value Joel’s safety and wellbeing more than my editors valued mine (just kidding, not really).

Let it be known that Joel was willing to put his life and sanity on the line to complete his mission. I can only stress that it will in fact be the truest end to only go as far as New Zealand’s public transport will take him. Stay tuned tomorrow to find out just where that is.