spinofflive
Illustration of a laptop displaying two silhouette figures on a blue screen with digital noise and glitch effects. The figures face opposite directions, and the background has a static-like appearance.
Image: The Spinoff

SocietyFebruary 14, 2025

I was catfished on a dating app. But why?

Illustration of a laptop displaying two silhouette figures on a blue screen with digital noise and glitch effects. The figures face opposite directions, and the background has a static-like appearance.
Image: The Spinoff

If financial exploitation isn’t the motive, why create a fake online persona to mislead someone into thinking romance is on the cards? After a catfishing experience that bruised her ego, Charlotte Bell was determined to find out.

The conversation with Darren* began as most do on dating apps. “What do you do for work? Where are you from? Do you like anal? How many siblings do you have?” No major alarm bells rang looking at Darren’s profile. He was attractive, but not in an unattainable way. He was in my league. He gave specific details about Christchurch that only a person who lived here would know. He said he worked for BNZ, went to a gym on Victoria Street, and didn’t have many friends as he’d relocated from Sydney four months previously.

Usually, if I’m planning to meet up with someone from an app, I ask to see their social media first. Darren said that he’d deactivated all of his accounts because he’d been “catfished” by someone on Tinder. He had sent his catfisher incriminating videos of his penis, and this person was blackmailing him by threatening him on his Instagram account. This struck me as unusual, but I’d heard plenty of stories about people being conned out of money or arriving at a first date to find the person meeting them looked nothing like their profile.

When I suggested messaging on WhatsApp, he said he couldn’t because he was using his work phone and couldn’t sign in. I couldn’t rationalise this. Why would someone have Feeld (a sex-positive dating app known for normalising kinks) on his work phone but not WhatsApp? Darren told me he was on holiday with his boss and their family on Waiheke, but he wanted to meet when he got back the following week. I said I felt uncomfortable about not having any way to verify his identity, so he could give me a call when he got back, and we could get a coffee.

He was persistent in communication, but not in an overly intense way, so I found myself replying to his messages throughout the week. In all honesty, he seemed like a cool guy. It felt as though we had similar interests, a similar friend circle, he talked about going to therapy for low self-esteem, and how he had three younger sisters that he was protective of. He sent a few pictures over the week, but it was hard to tell if they were recent or old. He’d told me his last name was Pritchard, a very common Australian surname. But Darren Pritchard didn’t come up in any searches. I tried googling Darren Pritchard BNZ, Darren Pritchard BFT gym, Darren Pritchard Sydney. I searched for the BNZ work apartments he supposedly lived in. I scrolled through the lists of BNZ employees and went through every single tagged image of the gym he said he belonged to. I searched for the dog called Loki in one of the selfies he sent me. I couldn’t find him on LinkedIn, Instagram or Facebook.

It’s an uncomfortable thing to accuse someone of lying about their identity, especially when you can’t be 100% certain. So I agreed to meet him near his apartment in the city, then I would find out once and for all. The very day we were supposed to meet, his account disappeared, and that’s when I realised I’d been duped.

Whenever I feel foolish, I do whatever it takes to feel in control of the situation. I remembered I knew a woman who worked part-time at the gym chain he said he attended. I asked if she’d ever met an Australian guy called Darren in the classes. She hadn’t but was very on board with trying to expose the catfisher. A few hours later, she sent through proof that “Darren Pritchard” was not a member.

I thought that finding out for sure that Darren was not real would be the end of it. I could let it go and move on with my life. But it wasn’t as simple as that. My ego was bruised, and I needed to know why.

Catfishing is the act of creating a deceptive online persona in order to mislead others. According to a research paper on “the motivations of catfish perpetrators” published in 2024, one of the primary motivations of catfishers is financial exploitation. We are all too familiar with podcasts and Netflix series like Sweet Bobby and The Tinder Swindler, so this shouldn’t be surprising. However, it didn’t fit with my situation. Darren knew I was a student, working part-time as a writer and broke. I hadn’t sent him any explicit videos or images for him to use as blackmail. So why did he bother?

hands holding a phone and computer surrounded by love hearst and dollar signs
We’re all too familiar with catfishers who are in it for financial gain, but sometimes it’s just about validation

Annabel Kuhn, who completed her psychiatry residency at Harvard, explained in an interview from 2022 that some catfishers use this form of manipulation as entertainment. By creating an alternative identity, individuals can distance themselves from their reality, gain attention, or satisfy unfulfilled emotional needs. The internet’s anonymity enables them to pursue these desires without facing immediate real-world repercussions. She goes on to say that people with low self-esteem or narcissistic tendencies may engage in catfishing. Crafting a perfect online identity provides them with a sense of validation and admiration they believe is missing from their offline lives. Those with narcissistic traits, in particular, may exhibit a lack of empathy and manipulate others for their own benefit.

Tragically, the people most vulnerable to being catfished are often those seeking emotional connection and validation. Individuals with low self-esteem or loneliness may become deeply invested in online relationships that provide them with the attention and support they crave. Older adults and those less familiar with digital deception are also at risk, as they may struggle to recognise the warning signs of a fraudulent relationship. Similarly, those actively looking for love, particularly after a breakup or personal loss, may be more willing to overlook inconsistencies in an online partner’s story. Naturally empathetic and trusting individuals can also fall victim, as their tendency to see the good in people makes them easy targets for manipulation.

Dating apps are a hotbed for deception. With easy anonymity, anyone can craft an appealing persona. Instant validation, flirty messages and a flood of matches can make users more trusting – especially if they’re feeling lonely or fresh out of a breakup. Algorithms keep feeding us what we want to see, while the lack of face-to-face cues makes it harder to spot red flags.

As much as I hate to admit it, I’d been feeling lonely. I was coming to terms with a rejection from a man I thought I loved and was desperate to move on. I was drawn to Feeld as I’d heard it attracted a more mature and open crowd. It is known to be a more progressive and inclusive app that embraces all identities and orientations. It supposedly prioritises privacy and discretion, but after this ordeal, I wondered what measures were in place to protect the app’s users.

It was a shock to realise that Feeld doesn’t have a mandatory identity verification process, making it all too easy for users to create fake profiles. While there’s the option to link social media accounts for some added authenticity, there’s no strict system in place to confirm real identities. This lack of verification leaves the door wide open for potential catfishing and fake profiles.

Three days after Darren’s profile disappeared, I received a notification. It was Darren but with a fresh set of photos. His message read, “I’m so, so, so sorry! My account was deleted, and I had to remake one. I feel so, soooooooo bad.” I replied and asked him to send me a photo with his face in it, holding something to prove today’s date, eg a Stuff article from that day. He sent me a heavily edited, black-and-white image of a man lying in bed. I blocked his account and never heard from him again. Though on nights where I’ve been in bed alone, I’ve found myself thinking, I wish my catfisher was real.

‘Hutt Valley, Kāpiti, down to the south coast. Our Wellington coverage is powered by members.’
Joel MacManus
— Wellington editor
a collage of polaroid photos showing various locations around Wellington
Have you suffered through an awkward date at any of these locations?

SocietyFebruary 14, 2025

My 50 first dates in Wellington, ranked and reviewed

a collage of polaroid photos showing various locations around Wellington
Have you suffered through an awkward date at any of these locations?

The capital city may be small but there are plenty of places to find love (or spend a painful two hours).

Wellington has had a hard time lately. By all accounts, we’re firmly in a recession, and that applies to romance too. Our dating pool has been ravaged by brain drain, and our favourite haunts have had to close their doors. It’s hard enough scoring a first date in the first place, between the small talk, scheduling and swiping on their flatmates. Now we have to work a whole lot harder to find a destination that makes up for our city’s various, incestuous flaws.

In the words of Johnny Lee, I have spent the past five years looking for love in all the wrong places. To save you the same problem, here are my 50 first dates in the capital, ranked not by person but by destination, environ, or venue. 

50. My house

Sounds hot, but not when your room is riddled with bed bugs. The original plan was actually to drive my date four hours to a festival, but we had to make a pit-stop while I called for pest control. There are other risks involved with bringing a stranger to your house, of course, but this one is guaranteed to kill both an infestation and a mood. 

49. A Zoom meeting

Covid dating has an air of nostalgia, but Zooming each other must be worse than being alone.

48. Their house

For obvious reasons, I can’t specify this location. But I will be very specific in my disdain for being watched by a dog while you make out on the couch.

47. St Mary’s of the Angels Catholic Church

Hozier called it in 2013, but actually going to church is not a great date if you’re not a believer.

46. This AirBnB

Soulless, overpriced, and inherently fleeting. You could say that sums up Wellington, but you’d never get a date in this city again. 

45. The zoo

Technically this never came to fruition, but an honourable mention for the time someone asked me to take a day off work for a surprise trip to the zoo.

44. 1852 Pub and Kitchen

According to their website, “1852 aims to please everyone”. If you’re not here for gambling or for watching the rugby, please yourself by going elsewhere.

43. Brooklyn Turbine

Windswept, but honestly not that interesting. 

42. Golding’s Free Dive

“Like drinking inside a pinball machine”. No-one knows who said it, but they said it all, I say.

41. Hanging Ditch

Next to the Dive but comparatively peaceful. Somewhat spooked by the ominous name.

Three polaroids, one showing the road sign for the wind turbine, another showing the front of '1852 kitchen' with two signs, and the last a shot of a sunny Wellington Zoo entrance building
I’m not sure the 1800s is an era we should all still be nostalgic for.

40. Shed 22

This is the only bar I’ve found selling Scotland’s national lager. Good or shite? I’ll let you decide.

39. Beach Babylon

Less date, more family reunion. Join the throng of parents treating students to a bottomless brunch.

38. Somtum Thai

This not-so-hidden gem is another tasty option, but heed their warnings on the spice.

37. The Arborist

Rooftop bars are rarely required in this city, but The Arborist is there for all your Melbourne dreams.

36. Midnight Espresso

Late night dating doesn’t have to mean the nightclub, but it also doesn’t have to mean a giant piece of cake.

35. Preservatorium

The only thing being preserved in this café is your small talk – and the “strangely delicious” cabinet food.

34. The Botanist

One for people who like the idea of Lyall Bay, but not the seaside reality. Even the name suggests it would rather be elsewhere. 

33. Raglan Roast (Abel Smith Street)

Low stakes, and even lower seating. Great place for napping, if that’s your vision of love.

32. Bebemos

Always full of doctors. Someone diagnose the dearth of chemistry.

31. Garage Project

Intimate, and only marginally intimidating if you’re not a brewer or a bro.

Three polaroids: The first photo features a building with a black balcony, the second, and the third shows a fruit supply store with a pink sign reading 'Paekakakariki fruit supply'
If there’s one thing we love in this city, it’s a stool on a stoop.

30. Library Bar

If you like dressing up, this is the place to bring your beret. We both agreed our hats were better value than the drinks.

29. The tip shop

Being frugal can be fun, but it surely isn’t flirty. It’s hard to be attractive while you raid a bargain bin.

28. Freyberg sauna

Turn up the heat with a semi-clad sauna. On reflection, this is probably unfair for other customers, or for anyone with a preference for privacy.

27. Sprig and Fern (Thorndon)

Of all the Sprigs, this one’s my preference. It’s a stone’s throw from the city’s Botanic Gardens, lest you want actual ferns in which to stretch your legs.

26. Hillside Restaurant

Playful kai for curious people, but a bold choice in this economic climate. Do not offer to shout the bill.

25. Peoples Coffee (Newtown)

Peoples is my local, but convenience comes at a very real cost. Be prepared to bump into an unrequited lover, a friend, a colleague, or another, upcoming date. 

24. Paekākāriki

A day trip can be great if you’re daring. Finding love can be a marathon; your first date doesn’t have to be.

23. Beach Kiosk

Escape to the south coast for expansive views and impeccable brunches. You might broaden your horizons in more ways than one.

22. Mount Victoria

This is my favourite mountain for when tramping is a bit much.

21. Next Door

On a busy day, this place is impenetrable. That is still better than the time I had to inflict my first date on an otherwise empty bar. 

Three polaroids: one showing the white front of Maranui Cafe, the second showing four white stools in front of a cafe entrance, the last showing the Parrotdog sign on the top corner of a black building
Wellington on one of its blessed good days.

20. Parrotdog

There will be a steady stream of dogs, dads and DJs. I hate pets, and I can’t fathom the life of a parent, so I guess that leaves me hanging out for beers and decent beats.

19. Maranui

Rammed, albeit for good reason. Send an advance party or start your date in a hungry queue.

18. Crumpet

Come for the cocktails, stay for the incongruous, eponymous treats. 

17. Rogue and Vagabond

There could be music, there could be sunshine, and there will always be curly fries. 

16. The gym

Yes, I have been on a date to the gym with a stranger. And yes, you could say I deserve to be single, but remember how we all thought Challengers was sexy? Lifting weights is just like tennis for those of us who can’t keep our eyes on the ball. Ideally find a gym that only one – or neither of you – go to, so no-one has to change their membership if/when it doesn’t ‘work out’.

Three Polaroid photos: first shows part of a building with the word "Crumpler," second displays a seaside promenade with people walking, and third features a building with "City Fitness" on it, against a blue sky.
Eat a crumpet, squat it off.

15. Puffin

Great wine, great expectations: there’s nothing subtle about your meeting, nor the couples who occupy an entire velvet booth.

14. Zealandia

This stunning sanctuary offers everything from a casual stroll to an all-terrain adventure. I walked 15km in my new Dr Martens, by the end of which I had broken both the leather and the ice.

13. Walking the ‘waterfront’

Poorly defined, but with endless potential. One date told me it felt like commuting, but I think that says more about my company than the views.

12. City Art Gallery

Much like my love life, this is closed for the foreseeable future. Far better curated than my dates will ever be.

11. Te Papa

Go with a map and a clear, succinct agenda. You might find love, or your favourite taxidermy.

Three polaroids: the first shows the concrete courtyard of Te Papa, the second is a shadowed blue and yellow building, the last shows the entrance to TSB arena with white canopies overhead
Sports, schooners and a “colossal” squid: the Holy Grail of my dating trail.

10. Newtown Festival

When you’ve just arrived in the city, the annual Newtown Festival is like speed-dating on steroids. Meet your date’s entire friendship circle and become embroiled in a love triangle, or try polyamory. 

9. Cuba Dupa 

Like Newtown, but with costumes? I welcome the chance to gauge a person’s style, and social stamina, without the investment of going to Splore. 

8. Kisa

We declared our respective budgets before settling on the lunch menu. Somehow Kisa catered for both a FODMAP diet and a lower than average charity income. 

7. Havana

Covers all your budget bases, from a quiet pint to a big night out.

6. Meow

If music be the food of love, splash out on a gig ticket. Of course, this limits the scope for conversation. Sometimes that’s exactly what you need.

5. The Welsh Dragon

This cosy corner prides itself on being a former public toilet: an auspicious start for any burgeoning romance.

4. Leroy’s

I have a soft spot for this public servant haven, having worked above it for the past two years. There’s Pals on tap, and plenty of political rumour: prime for the city’s next literary parody. 

‘If you value The Spinoff and the perspectives we share, support our work by donating today.’
Anna Rawhiti-Connell
— Senior writer

3. LBQ

On a date or just mates? This is the perfect place for vague connections, and their diplomatic staff won’t bat an eyelid when you’re back the following week. 

2. Salty Pidgin

Highly commended when the fire’s on in winter, and a personal favourite for the perennial window perch.

1. TSB Arena 

This is as divisive as the sports played in the stadium, but don’t knock it till you’ve spent an evening with the NZNBL’s Wellington Saints. Just when you’re losing hope of finding your forever person, these guys will teach you what it really means to lose, and lose more valiantly. I accept this isn’t glamorous, or even faintly trendy. But there’s plenty of scope for action – on court, if not in your pest-infested room.