Karlheinz Böhm as Mark Lewis in Peeping Tom (dir. Mark Powell, 1960)
Karlheinz Böhm as Mark Lewis in Peeping Tom (dir. Mark Powell, 1960)

SocietyJanuary 17, 2017

I think I may have been filmed having sex. What do I do now?

Guest writer
Karlheinz Böhm as Mark Lewis in Peeping Tom (dir. Mark Powell, 1960)
Karlheinz Böhm as Mark Lewis in Peeping Tom (dir. Mark Powell, 1960)

Advice columnist Ms X helps a reader who suspects she’s been the unwitting subject of a secret sex tape.

Dear Ms X

I had something happen that was creepy but I don’t know if I should be worried. I am too embarrassed to tell my friends though so thought you might help.

I met someone and after a few chats online we went to his place. Just as we were going into his room to have sex he said “You know, I could have cameras on in here filming.”

I laughed and carried on but after I felt gross. I haven’t answered any of his messages. The sex was pretty average too.

Should I be worried about him having done anything?

Grossed out (female, 25)

Hello Caller,

Yes, that is completely creepy.

The only way that isn’t creepy is if you had previously discussed having some kind of voyeur fantasy where you wanted to be filmed and sounds like you didn’t.

It’s totally normal to be concerned and wonder if he was actually filming you, or just being monumentally stupid in his pre-sex banter. I’d be feeling a bit pukey after that as well so let’s talk about what your options are.

I contacted Netsafe and outlined the situation. Naturally I said I was asking for a friend (so don’t worry – Netsafe will definitely assume I was asking for myself) who is worried she had been recorded having sex but isn’t 100% sure. Here is their response:

“If a recording in video has been taken of your friend without consent we would suggest your friend go to the police especially due to the nature of the content.

“We cannot tell you what the police are able to do on this matter but they are more able to handle this situation.

“If this video gets posted online please again let the police know and also get in contact with us again as we are able to help if this were to happen.”

So caller, you need to have a think about what you want to do next. Do you want to contact this guy and establish if he was actually filming you? Or do you want to ignore/forget the whole thing?

When I thought this situation through and did a bit of research, I kept coming back to the idea that you could just send him a very straightforward message that says:

Hey, I haven’t answered your messages because something you said when we had sex left me feeling uncomfortable.

You made what I hope was a bad joke about having cameras in your bedroom filming us. I decided to ignore it at the time but afterwards I got worried that maybe you did.

I am sure you know that recording someone you have sex with without their knowledge or consent is a crime.

It would be good to hear from you that this was just a stupid thing you said so I don’t have to worry about it anymore. I know we can all say silly things when we are nervous.

Caller, being straight up with a message like this might serve several purposes. You fire a warning shot that this is a crime in NZ, just in case he isn’t aware. And if he did actually record something, a message like this would maybe give him such a decent dose of the shits that he’d delete it.

Or he could say “omg no! I was joking” and you can stop worrying and he will know that is why you never called back.

But if he comes back and says “Yeah, I have a recording of you and what are you going to do?” then you just call 0508 NETSAFE and the police immediately.

Don’t fuck around negotiating or bargaining with him but do keep records of all his messages so you can provide those to authorities if it gets serious.

Of course you have the choice to ignore and try and forget the whole thing but I reckon you must be feeling quite uncomfortable because you took the time to send me an email.

Overall, I would like you to remember you are an adult who chose to have consensual sex with another adult and you shouldn’t be made to feel ashamed or worried about that. You have nothing to be embarrassed about but I do understand why you have been worried.

What you choose to do from here depends on how anxious this is making you. Personally I would err on the side of sending a message like the one I suggested, which will give you an idea of where you are. The Netsafe people are very helpful too, so you have some resources if there is a situation to handle.

If it does turn out that you need to contact the police you should consider taking a support person. It’s helpful having a cool, calm person to discuss what happened after; and when we are in stressful situations we don’t always remember the important stuff.

Oh, and I cannot stress this enough – don’t just drop by the public counter of the local cop shop. You really don’t want to be standing there saying what you need to say beside a bunch of people with smashed car windscreens or stolen TVs.

Call ahead and explain what happened and ask how you can make an appointment to discuss the issue in a private meeting room.

Caller, I normally like to avoid the word “hopefully” in an advice column because it feels a bit useless in a “thoughts and prayers” kind of way. But hopefully it was just some stupid random thing he said because he was nervous and the blood flow to his brain had been diverted to other places.

Keep in touch if you need to.

 

Ms X

Ms X is not currently taking questions but you can read her entire archive of advice columns here.

All messages will be kept in the strictest confidence and your name will not be published. If you wish to remain completely anonymous, consider using a free remailer service like Send Email.

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Lifeline 0800 543 354

More Reading

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OUTline (LGBT helpline) 0800 688 5463

More helplines can be found at the Mental Health Foundation’s directory. For a list of Māori mental health services, click here.

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A displaced Syrian child in a makeshift refugee camp only miles from the border with Syria in the Bekaa Valley, Lebanon, November 2013. Photo: Spencer Platt/Getty Images
A displaced Syrian child in a makeshift refugee camp only miles from the border with Syria in the Bekaa Valley, Lebanon, November 2013. Photo: Spencer Platt/Getty Images

SocietyJanuary 17, 2017

De-risking: the New Zealand banking policy causing more suffering in war torn countries

Guest writer
A displaced Syrian child in a makeshift refugee camp only miles from the border with Syria in the Bekaa Valley, Lebanon, November 2013. Photo: Spencer Platt/Getty Images
A displaced Syrian child in a makeshift refugee camp only miles from the border with Syria in the Bekaa Valley, Lebanon, November 2013. Photo: Spencer Platt/Getty Images

Having reached safety in New Zealand, refugees desperate to help relatives still trapped at home are being prevented from doing so by overly strict local banking regulations. Not only are the rules morally wrong – they’re exacerbating the refugee crisis itself, says Steve Liddle.

For the past nine months I’ve been working with a group supporting Somali-New Zealanders as they attempt to re-establish a low-cost channel for remittances into the Horn of Africa and South Sudan.

Despite hiring an anti-money laundering advisor, satisfying all security requirements for registering a financial service company and meeting all government and Companies Office regulations, no New Zealand bank is willing to send refugees’ money offshore.

The security requirements the banks impose on us include “getting to know your customer” vetting systems, maximum money limits, regular transaction checking and oversight. Despite this, all six banks approached refused to handle remittances, simply citing a US-instigated sanctions list or so-called “de-risking” policies.

New Zealanders concerned about corruption and their nation’s reputation welcomed last year’s Sherwan Inquiry recommendations on foreign trust disclosure rules and the amendments to the 2009 Countering Financing of Terrorism Act.

The consequent requirements, such as reporting suspicious activity and an emphasis on risk-based assessment for lawyers, accountants and the bankers, have brought greater transparency and scrutiny.

A displaced Syrian child in a makeshift refugee camp only miles from the border with Syria in the Bekaa Valley, Lebanon, November 2013. Photo: Spencer Platt/Getty Images
A displaced Syrian child in a makeshift refugee camp only miles from the border with Syria in the Bekaa Valley, Lebanon, November 2013. Photo: Spencer Platt/Getty Images

But last year’s explosion in the number of refugees fleeing their countries – it now exceeds 65 million – has revealed a downside to the tougher regulations. Refugees’ remittances are often a last life line for desperate relatives. When the line is cut, there is often nothing to take its place. The shutdown by banks of remittances to affected countries has helped stoke the unprecedented exodus.

As the de-risking trend has taken hold since 2013, banks worldwide have simply refused to allow remittance companies, registered or not, to send money via their accounts.

Despite the New Zealand Reserve Bank’s declaration two years ago that trading banks here “were not justified in blanket de-risking”, they continue to do so. Acknowledging “varying degrees of risk for banks” and the call in our legislation for “measured risk management”, the Reserve Bank made it clear that money remitters should be judged on their merits. It urged banks to do due diligence on remitters to enable money transfers to continue.

Yet it seems that New Zealand banks are unwilling to risk the steep fines imposed by anti-money laundering and terrorist financing legislation and fall back on a blanket policy of refusing to handle any remittances to countries deemed high risk.

While in the past Pacific Island remittances were subject to the highest number of blocks, the situation is now eased and for the last three years New Zealand refugees from the Sub-Sahara, Horn of Africa and the Middle East are most affected.

Under international law, refugees can declare cash of up to several hundred thousand and have it sent to clearance agents in their home countries for distribution. Such cash deliveries are regularly made from the US, UK, and Australia – and in lesser amounts from any country where Somalis or their neighbours have found refuge from the civil wars and famines that have in recent decades beset their countries.

Of course the cost of doing this is high, not available to everyone and encourages illegal transfer amounts. But the greatest challenge for remittance providers is the blanket application of de-risking policies.

By refusing to acknowledge that risks are now reduced by more stringent identification and compliance systems, both governments and banks have effectively washed their hands of further responsibility.

Neither governments nor banks seem prepared to acknowledge the unintended consequences. Of course no responsible country wants to aid the financing of terrorism. But measures designed to prevent money laundering and starve terrorists of funding have also encouraged illegal money trafficking now beyond any accounting – of either amounts or the identities of recipients.

Three months have elapsed since those of us attempting to help the Somali-New Zealanders set up a financial service provider. People can deposit their remittances with the provider, who will attempt to get the money to Somalia. But so far no money has reached the families for whom the money is so desperately needed.

The runaround from bank managers to head offices, and ultimately blanket refusal, has been repeated at least six times – despite our securing an audited Dubai clearing house guaranteeing identified recipients.

It is time for banks to handle remittances to some of the world’s poorest countries. It is neither fair nor reasonable to abandon communities who have money to send to often desperate relatives.

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