A lot of my friendships these days feel more like external audits, and it’s making me dread our coffee dates.
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Dear Hera,
I am seeking your advice on catch-up friendships.
I think most people have friendships that don’t form part of their day to day life, but are long term if not lifelong, and involve “catching up” over coffee/dinner/drinks every few months or so.
I often find these catch-ups to be some type of audit exercise, in which people ask routine questions about my professional/love/family life as if we are ticking off items on the list: “How is work? Are you going to have another child? Is your sister still in the psych ward?”
At best, I feel bored and like there is no actual connection between us. At worst, I feel I am being reviewed in such a clunky and often meaningless way, and expected to talk in depth about matters that may not feel great (like my various family members’ severe mental health issues and/or involvement with the criminal justice system).
Not everyone is like this. With some people, no matter how much time has passed, it’s like no time has passed (and I will for sure end up telling them about any major things that have happened anyway). But many people do socialise in this way, by asking a million review style questions that I have come to struggle with.
The thing is, these “catch-up” people are well-intentioned. I catch up with these people because I do want the relationship. And they are all kind people.
How do I meaningfully spend time with these people without feeling audited? Is it extremely rude to say to them, hey, it would be great if you don’t conduct this kind of review of my lifestyle questionnaire? I would love to look forward to seeing these people I do care about, rather than dreading the mandatory list of general and sometimes invasive enquiries.
Fondest regards and many thanks in advance,
Auditee
Dear Auditee,
I recently saw a picture of a taxi cab where the driver had laminated several A4 page lists of movies and sports teams he liked, and taped them to the glass passenger partition, so people could discuss them with him if there was anything they had in common. I thought this was an ingenious way of initiating conversations with strangers that didn’t revolve around “Have you had a busy night then?” Sadly, printing out a laminated list of your interests and preferred conversation topics and handing them out to friends is considered rude.
Meeting people for a “catch-up” drink is a beloved and time-honoured tradition, in which asking rapid-fire personal questions is not only acceptable but widely considered polite. Trying to avoid discussing your love life, job prospects and ongoing family issues over an intimate, Frasier-style cappuccino, is like going on a VIP behind-the-scenes tour of the Cheesecake Factory, and complaining that all they talked about was the commercial manufacture of cheesecake. No amount of spontaneously changing the subject to whale gestational periods or the relationship between time and consciousness is going to let you off the hook.
You describe these catch-ups as being formulaic, boring and invasive. Which only goes to show that one man’s paradise is another man’s purgatory. I’m sure your friends are interested in hearing about your life and have no idea they’re unwittingly driving you insane.
That doesn’t mean you’re in the wrong here. It’s fine to want to hang out with people without immediately getting the third degree. Some people truly have the gift of making any topic interesting, and there’s nothing better than finding someone you have a natural rapport with. But there will always be people who are harder to hold a conversation with.
My first suggestion is to stop arranging catch-ups at cafes, restaurants, bars or anywhere you’re forced to sit face-to-face across a small table for the duration of one to two beverages. There’s something about this setup which really lends itself to the kind of forced intimacy/checklist questions you specifically hate.
I’m not saying you have to respond to every coffee invitation with a counteroffer for laser tag or a trip to the Natural History Museum. But I do think changing the location of these meet-ups might be a good start. Even something as simple as picking up a coffee and going for a walk might be enough to make the conversation feel more natural and less like an ongoing criminal investigation. Is there an activity or hobby your friend might be interested in? It’s hard to ask invasive personal questions when you’re at an indoor archery club, or watching a film.
You could, as you suggested, ask your friends to cut it out. But if you don’t know each other very well, you risk making the situation awkward and your friend self-conscious. It is, however, completely fine to refuse to answer any question that’s too personal or you don’t feel like revisiting every three months. There are a hundred ways of saying “I’m so sick of talking about my horrible job, especially when I’m not getting paid to think about it, can we change the subject?” I don’t think anyone would be offended by that.
I don’t know really if this advice will work. But it’s a lot easier to try meeting at a duck pond than it is to overhaul other people’s deeply ingrained conversational habits. That way, if they bring up a topic you don’t want to discuss, you can simply point and say “look at that duck.” If this doesn’t work and every catch-up still feels like a scheduled interrogation, you can confront the issue directly, or allow some of these friendships to fade. There’s no point in endlessly maintaining a relationship that only fills you with resentment and dread.
Either that or buy a laminator and go to town.
Good luck!
