For a new series looking at dating in New Zealand, a 71-year-old semi-retired woman is looking for a healthy man with a sense of humour.
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Age: 71
Gender: Female
Sexuality: Hetero
Ethnicity: Pākehā
Religion: Atheist
Occupation: Semi-retired professional
My living location is: New Zealand
The apps I’m on: NZ Dating, Findsomeone
I’m looking for: Someone fit, healthy, kind, and intelligent.
Mostly I’m finding: So many are not healthy, eg. are fighting recurring cancer, or have severe heart disease/diabetes or a range of other disorders. It’s one thing if that happens to a long-term partner but quite another for a new relationship in your 60s and beyond. Most are unfit – no, walking is not enough.
My last serious relationship was: Ended five years ago. Though generous and kind in many ways – particularly to others – their behaviour to me after we married was unpredictable, critical, mildly abusive and generally disturbing. My empathy and value-system meant I kept trying for another nine years despite an increasingly shredded self-esteem and confidence as a person. I then fortified myself over two years in order to get out. Mutually agreed divorce brought huge relief for us both.
The worst date I ever had: I’m clear in choosing who I go out with so there’s been no “worst dates”, just a range of people that didn’t fit my needs or wants on actually meeting them.
The best date I ever had: We were genuinely interested in each other, there was sexual chemistry, and they had their life in order. The conversation flowed easily and I felt a sense of security with them. We went out for several months but they were a one-too-many (women) person, and that’s not for me.
The most regrettable thing I ever did on a date: Tell the person I wasn’t interested at the end of the coffee date. It was my first date and I was over focused on being honest/transparent so was too blunt and hurt his feelings. I learnt. Another one was going on a second date to someone’s bach. I didn’t clarify exactly where it was and it was in the wop wops and therefore very unsafe. I ensure safe practice at other times so it was a dumb thing to do. Fortunately he behaved well.
The best thing a date ever did for me: There’s a range rather than any one thing. There’s seeing their genuine pleasure in how I look or making a real effort in how they look, great (shared) humour – especially to break the ice. The kinds of questions I’ve been asked, being walked back to my car and showing other manners, people who proactively follow up on what I’ve shown interest in for a second date.
The biggest red flag I’ve seen on a date: There have been one or two I felt unease with – I always listen to that feeling. Not “red flags” but behaviours that often meant no second date. Eg. asking about property ownership and other “financial value” questions, racist, sexist, or ageist comments, people who don’t ask me any questions.
On a date I usually wear: What’s right for the day, place, and how I feel. Everything from leather and blue jeans to a feminine dress.
I have sex when: I’m attracted, know the person well enough and want to explore how we are in bed.
I wish dating was: I wish dating apps were less focused on age. How we are after 55/60 probably varies tremendously. I’m 71, look 65, and have great energy. I have liked younger as well as older men. While I’ve found men can be interested in older women, generally they are ageist. Guys – you are missing out on people that might “fit you” well! Lol.
This is what I think about who pays on dates: I like 50:50. Sometimes men prefer to pay and if they insist that’s also fine.
Three words that describe my dream date: Aware, responsive, engaged.
My dating advice is: Be yourself – always.
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