What it’s really like to be in a nearly 10-year relationship while flatting.

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Age: 32

Gender: Male

Sexuality: Heterosexual

Ethnicity: Pākehā

Religion: Atheist

Occupation: Executive support and researcher

Length of relationship: 9.5 years

Children: 0

How we met: Tinder

The best thing about my relationship: The way we communicate, and continue to work on improving our communication.

A problem we can’t seem to resolve: Trying to have our aspirational lifestyle as a couple while still flatting and navigating flatmates day-to-day.

This is how we share/separate our finances: We have separate accounts but we share our bills, though it differs across them. Rent is split 50/50. Power and internet are split equally too. Food costs we take turns with, though somewhat randomly. All the other significant things – like car maintenance and insurance – we split equitably based on our previous year of income. So if I earned 70% of our income as a couple, I pay 70% of the bill.

This is how we split chores and childcare: We just make an effort to both contribute. My partner tends to cook more ’cause she loves it. I tend to do washing more, and put the bins out. We also have a flat cleaning roster, but my partner and I help each other with our chores.

Our sex life in three words: Non-penetrative. Loving. Developing.

The thing that makes me a good partner: I think I’m kind and caring. I’ve also read a lot of feminist literature, which I think genuinely really helps with resisting a lot of cultural thought problems that still try and get into my brain.

The thing I need to work on to be a better partner: Patience.

What I most appreciate in my partner: Her communication skills.

What I most resent in my relationship: I sometimes feel like there could be more desire in our sex life, and I miss penetrative sex at times. But we talk about these things so it never really becomes full-blown resentment…

The thing that has changed the most about my relationship over time: Our communication just continues to improve. We can genuinely raise anything and everything. It doesn’t mean we get what we want – but we can talk about anything we want without it becoming a disagreement.

It would surprise people to know this about my relationship: We don’t really have penetrative sex. My partner is one of many women who doesn’t really find it comfortable or enjoyable.

Our last big fight was about: We honestly don’t really have big fights. We value communication too much to let it get that bad.

If I hadn’t met my partner: I’d be fine. We both would be. We’d have met other people.

I expect my relationship to last until: Until neither of us want to be here any more. Hopefully that’s a long time. But who knows.

My relationship advice is: Communication is key.