Superfan Tara Ward counts down the top ten moments from the triumphant return of Outlander season three. Contains spoilers, obviously.
Outlander is back! #Droughtlander is over, the never-ending tartan thirst is gone and we can once again drown in a hot ginger monsoon of time-travelling drama and adventure. I want ginger kisses! I want mashed potatoes! I want tiny Scottish donkeys wearing tiny Scottish kilts! Look, I’m delirious with anticipation so just roll me up in tartan and cover me in Gingernuts, because hoo-bloody-rah: it’s Outlander season three.
When we last waved goodbye to Outlander, our heroine Claire was knee deep in the discovery that her 18th century husband Jamie had survived the Battle of Culloden. Holy mince and tatties! It was obvious to Claire that 1) she plays a fierce headscarf game and 2) she must return to the past to find Jamie, so they can spend the rest of their lives together making dirty French jokes and plaiting each other’s hair.
Claire was stoked, but I was more worried than the time Wee Roger ran out of biscuits. Season two of Outlander was all over the place, with its unthatched honeypots and dead body punching and French sex toys waved about willy nilly. Would Season three be more of the same? Could Outlander successfully adapt Voyager, an emotional journey filled with more grief and regret than the time hungover Jamie ate a lumpy bannock?
Thinking about it brings me to tears. Mrs Crook, you had one job.
Be as chill as Charles Stuart drinking from a fancy goblet while his men die before him, because the Outlander season premiere was a knockout. It swung through time to deliver one emotional punch after another, wrenching us from Jamie in battle to Claire’s domestic woes to Rupert being killed by the English. Despite being separated by two centuries and a shitload of weird science, Jamie and Claire’s loneliness and sorrow was woven together as he waited to die and she gave birth and Frank ate bacon and bitched about teabags.
It was, I reckon, the best episode yet.
I should’ve listened to Frank all along. “We’re going to be alright,” he told me Claire, as he stared into my her eyes and wondered how he would tell his pals his daughter was conceived in 1746 by a dead ginger warrior. Lesson learned, Professor. When times are tough I’ll ask myself “what would Frank Randall say?” and as long as he’s not using a fake American accent to wang on about tea leaves in diapers, then I will forever heed his reassuring words.
Like a mound of grass jammed in an English soldier’s gob, let’s stuff ourselves silly with the top ten moments of Outlander S3 E1.
1) Jamie sees Black Jack Randall and gets ready to open a can of 18th Century whoop ass
By ‘whoop ass’ I mean ‘poke him with a knife and fall in a heap’ but whatever works for you, Big Red.
2) Frank tries to be the best husband ever
He does a cute American accent and tells Claire he’ll be happy with whatever she cooks. Never change, Frank.
3) Pirate Rupert gives us all the feels
From his “chin up” pep talk to his wobbly lip when he mentions seeing Dead Angus again what I’m not crying YOU ARE.
4) Frank takes Claire to a meeting of Mansplainers Anonymous
Pretty sure her eyes rolled back all the way to 1746.
5) Claire swears at the stove
And Jamie reckons HE has problems.
6) “This is a deuce of a situation”: Menton recognises Jamie and has to honour some weird arse code of honour
Can’t shoot him, can’t shave his head and sleep on a pillow of soft ginger curls.
7) Claire appears in a ghostly vision
Now THIS is a deuce of a situation, especially since she was wearing her official Claire Fraser Sexy Time Shift™. No wonder Jamie told Rupert to leave him be.
8) Claire fills her car with wood because she is a queen who gets shit done
In other news, I thought her friend’s name was “Willie Nelson” not Millie Nelson and my mind boggled at this unexpected historical revision.
9) Sad-eyed Frank after Claire throws an ashtray at his head
Who knew Frank was so light on his feet? Hold me closer, tiny dancer.
Also, Claire’s heartfelt throwback to J-Fray’s legendary S2 hair situation was a lovely touch.
10) Frank gives birth to an emotional teardrop
Or was he still upset about the teabag thing? Hard to know.
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