Tara Ward counts down the top ten moments from ‘The Doldrums’, the ninth episode of Outlander season three. Contains major spoilers, obviously.
Anchor me in the middle of your deep blue sea, Outlander, because the dramatic winds of ‘The Doldrums’ filled my emotional spinnaker like never before. I don’t know if it was the fresh ocean air or the feeling of salt spray on a curly wig, but the voyage to find Young Ian in Jamaica put the wind up Jamie and Claire’s sails and blew their relationship back on an even keel quicker than you can say “smell you later, Scotland”.
Shiver my timbers and give me a wide berth, because I am three sheets to the ginger wind and keen to make as many bad ship puns as humanly possible.
Jamie and Claire sailed away from Lallybroch on a love boat, destination: Paradise. They shared tender moments in the moonlight, followed by Fraser sexy times by the light of Jamie’s moons. The magic was back and I was here for every luminous moment. They pitched and rolled in a sea of passion and my heart hasn’t felt this full since Dougal and Geillis had eye sex three seconds after Geillis murdered her husband in season one.
But this is Outlander, where the sailing is never smooth and good times only last as long as a Hogmanay dance sequence. Claire reminded Jamie she’d taken an oath to save lives/poke her nose into other people’s business, and she had no hesitation visiting another ship where her official diagnosis was “you’re all about to die of the blazing shits”.
“Things will get worse before they get better,” Claire warned, probably referring to rampaging typhoid, but also referencing Jamie’s upcoming wig status and the fact I can’t write an Outlander recap without commenting on his hair. Or his hat. Or that little upturned corner of his mouth whenever someone mentions potatoes IS THERE A DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE I NEED SOME ASSISTANCE PLEASE.
Jamie had plenty of commotion in his own ocean, including a missing nephew, a secret marriage between his adopted son and step-daughter and a wife who told him there’s no man on the moon. His testicles were threatened by constant vomiting and Yi Tien Cho kept banging on about the smell of women’s navels during winter.
God’s tooth! Why can’t a bloke just find some treasure in a deserted castle and live the rest of his days in happy, potato-filled solitude?
At least Jamie can still rely on his hair. It grew twenty centimetres in one week and if that’s not proof he’s the King of Men, then douse me in bilge water and throw me over the side, for I am done.
All this, and still no sign of Young bloody Ian. All aboard who’s coming aboard, as we sail full speed ahead into the top ten moments of ‘The Doldrums’.
1) Jamie’s tricorne blows all other hats out of the water
2) Claire makes Jamie drink ginger tea
What next, a plate of ginger crunch? Force feed him some ginger kisses and make a cheap biscuit-related gag about his twisted Gingernuts? Honestly, just sticks some pins in the poor lamb’s face and be done with it.
3) Jamie sticks pins in his face
Nothing to see here, let’s go straight to the sailors singing a rousing rendition of top ten hit ‘Aye Diddily Aye’.
4) Some old bloke mansplains the entire universe to Claire
Jamaican me angry, Captain.
5) Brianna loved rabbits
Throw me off the rigging and plunge me into a sea of emotion. If one thing’s going to tip me over the edge it’s the thought of poor Brianna, alone in Boston with only a million pet rabbits for company while her hornbag parents have 18th century ship sex on a pile of old sails.
RIP me, RIP Brianna and RIP those sails, for none of us will ever be the same again.
6) “You do not want to be caught with a banana on a French frigate”
Officially the best thing Jamie Fraser has ever said.
7) Yi Tien Cho’s life story involves a lot of fruit but it stops a murder, makes wind and turns sunshine into rain
8) Jamie admits he loves Claire’s grey hair
Frank would have loved it too. Just saying.
9) The Moon wins an Emmy for Best Supporting Actor
Commiserations to the banana on the French frigate, you also gave an amazing performance.
10) Claire is kidnapped
But she kissed Jamie and said she’d be right back HOW WAS THIS ALLOWED TO HAPPEN
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