It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. It involved vanilla sponge. Tara Ward power-ranks week six of The Block NZ.
I mean, just look at the state of it.
It was Week 6 of The Block NZ, where the pinnacle of renovation glory involved strapping two chunks of vanilla sponge together, drowning it in runny icing and praying to the god that is Colin Mathura-Jeffree for a new combination washer/dryer and a Bosch cordless stick vacuum cleaner.
The bewildering world of The Block NZ challenges soared to new highs/sank to new lows this week, depending on your fondness for masticated sponge and social media gags. We were treated to a terrifying meme contest, a ‘catapult marshmallows onto your head’ game-changer, and an ‘attack a cake with renovation tools’ shitfest that descended into an all-out food fight. While Shelley gleefully waved a handsaw above her head, I wondered how The Block NZ had come to this and what Spicey Tysey from Season 1 would make of it all.
Even the glorious Colin Mathura-Jeffree became entangled in this crumbly mess. He was the shining light in a chaotic week of clamped tyres and cold shower shenanigans, as he descended from his heaven to choose the winner of the cake challenge. Colin was there to speak the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, and if those cakes tell a story about The Block, my beloved Colin needs to get the hell out of Hobsonville Point, ASAP.
But cry me a river and line it with dry cast pavers, because it was also Outdoor Patio Week. Teams decked, they paved, they painted until the portaloo showers ran out of gas. Stu learned what a meme was, Chlo and Em broke Ben and Tom’s hearts, and Claire and Agni pulled a power play that stole the room win from Stu and Amy. They were hungry for victory. I was hungry for cake.
It’s the halfway point of the competition, so let’s begin our uncontrolled descent to auction day with the Week 6 Power Rankings. They make as much sense as Mark’s meme challenge, so if anyone needs me I’ll be learning how to wear my coat like a cape, a la Colin.
1) Claire and Agni
Wolfy’s coming, Colin Mathura-Jeffree’s coming, every single piece of Freedom Furniture is coming to see how well Claire and Agni did this week. Let’s not dwell on their crazy scheme to climb into the ceiling and stick electrical wires in their mouths, because their lounge room had more texture and layers than their victorious cakey masterpiece. From now on, anyone who chooses ‘Versatile Golden Atlas’ as their room brief is a winner in my eyes.
2) Stu and Amy
It didn’t matter Amy and Stu lost the room reveal thanks to the -1 switcheroo, or that Stu pulled off the classic Gizzy Hard prank by switching his clamped Suzuki tyre with Claire and Agni’s. All that mattered was that Judge Kristina reckoned Stu and Amy’s caramel-coloured lounge was giving off “pudding vibes”, something I’ve spent most of my life doing and it’s nothing an extra slice of chocolate brownie for breakfast won’t fix.
3) Chlo and Em
Chlo and Em placed last in the room reveal, thanks to the judge’s failure to reach a consensus on their lounge. Kristina thought the room was a “great space”, while Jason called it a “disaster” that reminded him of 1995. That cuts me deep, because I remember many beautiful things about 1995 and nearly all of them involved Ace of Base.
I saw the sign, Jason Bonham, and FYI it definitely included a cartoon John Lennon sitting next to a tiny cactus.
4) Ben and Tom
It’s all gone to shit for Ben and Tom ever since Ben stopped wearing that lovely knitted jumper in Week 1. Make of that what you will, but the truth is out there and it’s probably hiding under Ben and Tom’s fancy new deck.
Tom and Ben spent the week digging holes, after their pocket money was docked by Mark Richardson and Chlo and Em screwed them over with some strategic scoring. Sad Ben summed up their entire Block experience when he said “they weren’t advocates for cutting anyone’s lunch, and can’t seem to find my lunch today”. Wise words, may they be a lesson to us all.