Alex Casey power ranks the third week of Married at First Sight NZ, full of cocktails, baths and deep regret. 

I think I was more excited for this cocktail party than any Bachelor cocktail party, real-life cocktail party, or shrimp cocktail. After being kept in The Shining-style isolation in their respective lodges, estates and glamping tents, the couples were finally able to come together and gloat to each other about who hates who the most.

The experts had high hopes for sophisticated mingling, rich conversation and rapid relationship growth, but the couples proceeded to do what we Kiwis do best: get shitfaced and talk shit about each other. It was the high school canteen, where the popular clique (Ben, Bel, Vicky and Lacey) reign supreme over the stoners (Luke and Andrew) the boring loved-up couple (Brett and Angel), the grouchy muscle man (Haydn), the school nurse (Aaron) and the weird mature students in the corner (Claire and Dom).

All the while, Tony and Pani sat in their definitely real lounge watching some definitely real surveillance footage of the carnage play out. I’d totally watch a Gogglebox with the two of them, just by the by.

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Anyway, how are our lovebirds doing this week? Pour yourself a strong Martini and let’s dive in.

#1 Angel & Brett

Even though Angel called Brett ‘Brad’ by mistake, their relationship still seems as solid as McLeod’s Daughter’s status as an Aussie telly treasure. “It’s iconic” Brett reminded us, looking out over the Estate where the show was filmed. According to Angel, these two are still skyrocketing up a rainbow, riding unicorns, oozing sparkles and burping glitter. “Brett is so nice that if you cut into him, he would be rainbows.” Tfw you are already having murderous thoughts about your husband so you dress up like Marilyn Monroe to distract everyone:

The pair shared an outdoor bubble bath where Brad Brett laughed like a hyena, blew bubbles into Angel’s face and asked “what scares you?” in the space of about 0.4 seconds. So many big emotions, such a small bath.

The Angel and Brett train is an intense ride, but clearly the most successful pairing so far. In fact, if they don’t come out of this together, I swear here in writing that I will pick up a knife and fork and eat every inch of Brett’s unspeakably enormous hat.

Will the age gap be a problem? They alluded to it briefly whilst sampling Nigel’s rare collection of “birth wine”, which turns out to just be wine from the year you were born and not something much more grotesque. It was such a hike back to Brad Brett’s barrel that Angel thought she might need to put her running shoes on. Classic Angel, what a dag.

When they returned to Auckland, Brett was given his first assignment to hit the shops and buy Angel some hair ties. When he returned with rainbow coloured ones, Angel was laughing so hard that I thought her jaw was going to crack open like a snake about to eat a rat. Just wait till she finds out that he crafted them out of his own rainbow intestines. Surely, surely then the laughter will stop.

#2 Dom & Claire

Dom and Claire seem solid as a rock after their heated gazebo quarrel (and I don’t doubt for a second they didn’t christen the gazebo soon after if you know what I’m saying *long Jacinda wink*). In fact, they were mostly amping to get back to the cocktail party to see how many of the “puppies” (read: young people) had boned yet.

When they arrived at the cocktail party, they instantly became the parent figures for all the poor miserable pups in the dog box. Honestly, I think I would pay more for a sit down session with Claire and Dom than I would with Tony and Pani. First they sat down with Lacey and gushed over how great she was.

And then Dom took naughty Lucas aside for a man chat, where he executed his signature “come to Poppa” hug manoeuvre with beauty and finesse.

Five stars.

#3 Vicky & Andrew

It is a scientific fact that Waiheke Island lies several kilometres north of The Friendzone, which is why Vicky and Andrew escaped there faster than you can say ‘sleeveless camo hoodie’. In fact, Andrew was so dedicated he made sure to wear camouflage on the beach, just in case any vestiges of the friendzone spill washed up on the tide.

He’s still a little overbearing – Vicky’s forehead has been kissed more than the Blarney Stone at this stage and there’s still no sexual chemistry. Andrew opened up over dinner with some of that signature, gentlemanly charm, announcing that “nobody deserves to be treated bad.” “Who said that?” said everyone else in the restaurant, for he was still wearing his military-grade camouflage vest.

Then, suddenly, Vicky revealed herself to be the Demon Barber of Onetangi. “Speaking of polishing” she crooned “how would you feel about getting a haircut?” Andrew was a bit spooked that a) Vicky could see him and b) that she was already wanting to shave his noggin five minutes into the relationship. I know how this worked out for Samson and Delilah, and Andrew is in big trouble and/or cornrows if he bends to all of Vicky’s hairstyling whims.

With an appointment booked at Rodney Wayne and Vicky happier than ever, things were looking up until they received a telegraph (is that what they use on Waiheke?) that her sister was being induced into labour. Vicky was gutted that she couldn’t be there to give the baby their first haircut, or be there for the bottling of the sweet, sweet birth wine. Andrew took to comforting her by staying incredibly far away, using his state-of-the-art money print shorts to become perfectly camouflaged next to the rich man’s infinity pool.

When he finally tried to comfort Vicky, she pushed him aside and he cried “why are you so cruel.” Careful Andrew, another prominent New Zealander asked a similar question once… and we never, ever, saw him again. Also: never accuse a girl of being “frigid” ever.

#4 Bel & Haydn

Bel and Haydn remain well and truly in a hell of their own creation, as it turns out their dramatic fight of which we shall never speak nor see nor hear was about Haydn adding one of her bridesmaids on Facebook. Since the fight, they have stopped communicating properly and taken the wedding bands off, but that doesn’t mean that Haydn has communicated more than a few humblebrags via the French cinematique art of mis en scene.

Things got a bit better for the pair after Bel had a cup of tea in a cat mug and got old mate Tony on the blower for a yarn about her failing TV wedding to a tearful wrestler. It seemed to work a treat via they turned up to the cocktail party together soon after, although Bel may have left a cry for help in her loaded request for a Sprite… aka Lemonade… aka the scorned woman’s revenge album aka… how dare Jay Z add Beyonce’s bridesmaid on Facebook!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#5 Ben & Aaron

Thank god Aaron is a paramedic, because watching these two interact is starting to make my teeth, hair and nails fall out. Ben finally admitted that he wasn’t attracted to Aaron from the safety of his opulent bathtub, but not before he sat and sulked for a thousand million more years about it.

Ever the optimist, Aaron thinks a little picnic and a spot of glamping will fix everything, but Ben’s already started the next chapter of his life as a brick wall of a human. Aaron opens up about his relationship misdemeanours in the past, Ben calls them a red flag. Aaron tries to plan out a cute camping date, Ben grizzles that he hates camping. Aaron tries to make mimosas, Ben says “yuck”.

I feel for these two, stuck in a seemingly endless purgatory of empty Waiuku cafes and remote glamping sites where they can’t even escape their hellish reality to the comfort of an Instagram feed because there’s no reception. Also, I know I’m not the Minister of Justice, but I’m almost certain that forcing two people who loathe each other to take a photo in front of the L&P bottle is an act of high treason.

If a successfully shared bubble bath is the only measure of relationship success that we have at this stage – and it is – I think these two are circling dangerously close to the drain. Even if Vicky performed some quick hair wizardy on Aaron’s platinum locks at the cocktail party…

#6 Luke & Lacey

Call the cryptkeeper, for these two are killing me softly. Luke botched their honeymoon via not letting down his walls, opening his heart and showing his internal rainbows. There were also rumours floating around from the wedding that he was only doing the show to become a famous comedian, which he and his humourous off-season reindeer sweater categorically deny.

At the cocktail party Lacey fulfilled the toilet-crying quota for the week, revealing to the gal pals that Luke only puts his arm around her for the cameras and that, for every night of their honeymoon, he slept on top of the blankets in all his clothes. Is Luke… a never nude?

“It’s so exciting to see everyone else in love,” sighs Lacey, “and then… there’s my husband”

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Jessie Moss crunches the numbers on the VNZMAs and discovers some surprising – and unfortunately not so surprising – facts about gender representation in our biggest music awards. 

2017 has been a big year for women in the New Zealand music industry. There has been constant agitation at the roots, propelled by the likes of Coco Solid and her Equalise My Vocals movement; in June, Rolling Stone Australia listed Aldous Harding, Lorde and Nadia Reid in the top 40 albums of 2017 so far; and, most recently, the history-making all women finalists for the 2017 APRA Silver Scroll award, with the aforementioned trio alongside Chelsea Jade and Bic Runga.

And now the nominations for the 2017 New Zealand Music Awards are out. And keeping in step with the soaring success of many women in the industry, this year is looking promising.

Of the six nominations for Album of the Year, three are (solo) women, three of four Breakthrough Artist nominations are women, three of the six finalists for Single of the Year are women, for Best Solo Artist three of four are women and in Best Alternative, all three are women. However, for Best Group only one of five nominations include a woman.

Of course, the VNZMAs are not the be all and end all by any means. There are also the Silver Scrolls, where APRA have made active steps to balance gender representation in the organisation, and the Taite Award – which represents ‘alternative’ music (whatever that is) well, being inclusive of a broad base of musicians.

The VNZMAs, however, are an extremely good litmus test. They are the most commercial and arguably visible of all our music ceremonies and celebrations. Importantly, they are what many young musicians watch, the awards that children learning an instrument or figuring out how to work gear, are most likely to notice.

Looking back over the past decade of the VNZMAs, it is clear to see where women are thriving and where the areas for desperate improvement are. How do women succeeding in some areas, at times equally with men, yet in others, remain almost invisible, despite there being a very real presence of women in all areas of the music industry?

This investigation looks into the total number of nominations and winners over the past decade of the awards, from 2007-2016, focusing on the popular music sphere.

Overall, men made up 72% and women 28% of the total nominations. Of the 115 women-inclusive nominations, 79 were solo and 36 as part of a group.

But….

In the Album of the Year category, there have been 50 nominations, 21 of whom have been solo women or bands with women. 42% – great! There were three times as many solo women (15) as groups with female members (6). And, interestingly, 70% of the winners have been solo women or bands with women.

Breakthrough Artist statistics are similar with 40% women nominated, close to half of whom were solo artists compared to 35% solo male nominations. Again, women, and bands with women, won 70% of the time.  

Compare these Album of the Year and Breakthrough Artist awards with Best Group and a clear picture starts to emerge. Of the 33 nominations, five were groups with female members, or 15% (no solo women at all). Women are doing really well in the first two categories, and this award demonstrates the likelihood of women to strike out alone, rather than to participate as a band member.

The rates of women achieving success as singers, singer-songwriters or solo singer-producers in the awards (and elsewhere) are at times as high as 80%. For this slice of the VNZMAs, women are nominated as solo artists 69% of the time and 31% as band members.

This is demonstrated no more clearly than in the awards for Best Country and Folk Albums. Over the past decade, 53% of the nominations for Best Folk Album have been women, winning 60% of the time. Ten of the 16 female nominations have been for solo women. There have also been three years where all nominations were (or included) women.

But the Country Music Tui is where women are really shining, winning 80% of the time. Tami Neilson taking home no less than four awards for the Best Country Album in the past decade. For the Country Tui, women enter solo the vast majority of the time.

The Country Tui joins the Māori Music Award for the most equitable representation in nominations. But even though the Māori music nominations look good with 10 of the 21 nominations going to women (8 of whom were solo). Only two women, or 25%, have won in the past decade compared with six solo men or male only acts.  

All and all, things are looking good for women in the VNZMAs. When we compare this decade to those gone by, representation gets more equitable by the year. Our celebrations of women’s achievement in the popular music industry are looking healthy on the face of it at least.

But what about behind the album covers and songs? Who is side-of-stage and in the recording and filming studios? Who are the people that are arguably ‘curating’ what we are seeing and hearing? Who are the audio and visual biographers to these musicians?

Things look dramatically different when we turn to inspect the technical awards for Best Engineer and Producer, as well as the Electronic awards, Best Pacific Album and Best Hip Hop/RnB/Urban (the name of this award changing in 2017 for the fourth time). These are the areas where men continue to dominate.

Women are nominated to the hip-hop/RnB/urban categories 19% of the time, almost always solo. And to the Pacific Award 41% of the time, equally as solo and group members.

For Best Electronic Album, four of 30 nominations have been women (13%). No women have been nominated for Best Engineer this decade. We go back 14 years to 2003 for Barbara Griffin’s nomination. This is shocking. And, depressingly, there have been 30 nominations for Best Producer this decade, only 3 of whom have been women and none have won. Looking further back, Bic Runga won twice in 2003 and 2006, and Debbie Harwood was nominated back in 1998.

The Best Music Video (director/s) nominations for women are 11% since the award’s inception (1983) with only one woman winning the award: Niki Caro in 1990 for Straightjacket Fits’ ‘Bad Note for a Heart’. Dismal. Faye McNeil is the last woman nominated for that award back in 2011 for Ladi6’s ‘Like Water’.

The Legacy Award is also telling. Three women have been honoured since 2007 (Bic Runga, Jane Walker in Toy Love, and Shona Laing), in a total of 41 people. So, we are celebrating our trailblazing women at a rate of 7.3%. Good thing Sharon O’Neill is receiving the Legacy Award for 2017. But, given the current rise in women’s participation rates overall, expect to see this tide turn in the coming decades – seven of the 12 International Achievement awards of the past 10 years have gone to women.

What are we to make of all this? What conclusions can we draw, and where to from here?

It is clear that women participate in music solo the majority of the time and when making music in a group, are more often singers rather than instrumentalists. It is striking that the closer the musical act is to the human body, the more we see women participating – singing, playing guitar, woodwind, piano, and brass. The more removed the music is from the body, the less likely – playing drums, making beats, playing electronic instruments, production, and, of course, working a sound desk or camera. It is unsurprising that society still expects to see women’s bodies on display (often with no instruments), rather than working machines.

Despite women making huge strides in the industry over the last half-century, we are still socialising and educating our children differently. They are arriving in their teenage years, when the angsty musician emerges, with different skill-sets and levels of confidence. Boys have been tossed electronic items to dismantle, and have enjoyed a ‘take-a-risk’ kind of education. Girls have been funnelled into areas where their social capabilities have been nurtured at the same time as being socialised to be competitive against each other.

Social norms such as girls participating at much lower rates in team sports affect the chances of them joining a band in the future. Young women are less likely to broach the boy’s clubs to join bands, preferring the social security and availability of solo or duo acts. For many women who are also parents, it is understandably easier to pursue a solo career. This double standard is seen in all working industries, which men remain immune to.

So what can we do?

Give our kids a variety of instruments early on, teach them how to use basic recording technology. Enable them to run their own gear and encourage them to learn and work collaboratively, and often. I have no doubt that Māori and Pacifika involvement in whānau, community and kapahaka based music vastly improves their girls and women’s participation rates.

Give them role models to look up to. If you can see it, you can be it. Soon enough, the Legacy Award will look just as good as the Breakthrough Artist and Album/Artist of the Year awards. And so it should.

After all, all bodies can make music. There is no physical difference when a man or a woman pick up an instrument. If it’s not physical it must be social, right? This we can change.

The 2017 New Zealand Music Awards will be held at the Spark Arena on 16 November and the Spinoff’s music content is brought to you by Spark. Listen to all the music you love on Spotify Premium, it’s free on all Spark’s Pay Monthly Mobile plans. Sign up and start listening today.