With Dance Moms supervillian Abby Lee Miller heading to the slammer for income fraud, Tara Ward puts her on trial for a few more crimes.
Abby Lee Miller reckons “when a parent opens their mouth, they are ruining their child”. It’s advice to live by, and the reason why all parents should be locked in a dance studio observational mezzanine until their child turns 18 and can mambo their sweet way to freedom.
That sweet freedom just sashayed away from Dance Moms teacher Abby, who was recently sentenced to a year in jail for income fraud. There’ll be no more calling the police to evict irate parents, or comparing her students to road kill, or being rude and obnoxious to small innocent children.
The wicked queen of the dance floor must give up her tarnished crown, possibly purchased with the $120,000 AUD she smuggled into the USA.
But jealousy is a disease, second place is the biggest loser and Dance Moms is all about Abby Lee Miller. You might think it’s criminal for children to be publicly humiliated but honestly, it’s fine because fame and stardom is an amazing thing. If telling a child that they’re useless doesn’t inspire them to dance until their toenails fall off, then nothing will.
Plus, these parents pay Abby $16,000 a year to shout at their child. This is both a bargain and a life hack. Just think of the time it saves parents from yelling at their kids at home. Just jokes. This is me during Dance Moms, wondering what in the name of all things tight and shiny were these people thinking.
Abby committed many crimes during the whirling dervish of insult and emotion that is Dance Moms. Here are five of the most serious. Read ’em and weep.
1) Slander against shapes
Road cones and Toblerone bars everywhere were shocked when Abby claimed this cockamamie photo lineup was a ‘pyramid’. The only thing this structure has in common with a pyramid is that it was glued to a blackboard, a tool as ancient as ye olde Egyptians themselves.
It’s critical to get the angles right if you’re using a polyhedron to destroy the souls of young girls. The last thing I need is to be at the bottom of that triangular shitshow, so let’s put on our maths pants and spend at least three seconds researching the finer points of pyramidical theory.
Holy kick ball change, Abby is a genius.
2) Not using her inside voice
In space they can’t hear you scream, but I bet they can still hear Abby. Paintings fall off walls, thunder shits itself and the earth is thrust off its axis when Abby starts yelling.
Jam in some ear-plugs, shroud your head in a spool of sequinned lycra and cha-cha your way into a soundproof room before your ears begin to bleed with the salty tears of a thousand child dancers.
3) Overuse of the word ‘snood’
The snood: not heard of since 1945, never want to hear it again. Snoodgate, we salute you.
4) Improper use of a foreign language
According to Abby, a ‘coupe’ is some sort of kicky dance move, and not just a zippy little car that parks like a dream. I reckon Abby’s using every French-sounding word she knows just for the gosh darn heck of it, which is exactly what happens after I down a few wines and watch Amelie for the 489th time. Excuse moi while I chasse to the boudoir for some pinot noir, au revoir.
5) Backseat driving
Everyone loves a backseat driver, especially when they’re wearing a towel turban and screaming “take the turnpike”. What is a turnpike? Maybe it’s another imaginary French dance move, or perhaps a mysterious Swarvorski-coated boulevard that grapevines us all directly to dance Hades.
Turnpike, hornpipe, running man, whatevs. It’s all the same when you’re trapped in a bus travelling to Fartsack, Kentucky.
Au revoir, Abby Lee Miller. As she leaves the stage for one long dance with justice, may her sequins still sparkle, her turban remain towelly, and may she one day exit onto the turnpike of her dreams.
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