Another season of The Masked Singer NZ, another slate of existentially concerning costumes. Sam Brooks ranks all 12 of them.

Is there any show that brings more delight, confusion, and quiet terror than The Masked Singer? Probably, but there’s no show that does that while making celebrities sing for our pleasure while dressed in wild and wonderful costumes, then makes other celebrities guess who the celebrities are underneath the mask. Because why on earth would there be?

Last season, we had Medusa, Tuatara, Moa, Orange Roughy and yes, Pavlova. This season, we have, uh, 12 more. And they’re wild. With no further ado, here are the costumes on the new season of The Masked Singer, ranked from least to most confounding.

12. Magic Monster

Given what’s to come further down in these rankings, I can forgive The Masked Singer NZ for giving us a costume that is simply the Cookie Time mascot’s gay cousin. I don’t even have one Masked Singer costume idea, let alone several.

11. Ruru Chick

Classic bird costume.

10. Playing Mantis

I resent this pun, but I love the jaunty netball (?) outfit. It evens out.

9. Retro Robot

Is this what happened to Marvin the Paranoid Android after those Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy cheques stopped rolling in? An ignoble fall from grace.

8. Pōhutukawa Tree

I know it’s not the goal of The Masked Singer to be photorealistic, but I’m impressed by how closely this costume resembles an actual pōhutukawa tree. Eyes and hands notwithstanding.

7. Gladiator Alligator

I love the brain of whoever came up with this. They could’ve just done an alligator costume. They could’ve just done a gladiator costume. But combining the two? Move over, Russell Crowe. 

6. Blue Penguin

What… happened to this penguin? Why is it steampunk? Why does it only have one eye? Why is it crying from that one remaining eye? A lot of questions, very few of which will be answered by The Masked Singer.

5. Bedazzled Unicorn

No notes, solidly middle of the pack. If an unbedazzled unicorn exists in the world, I don’t want to hear about it.

4. Shaggy Sheepdog

This sheepdog went to a craft beer festival you’ve never heard of over the weekend, comes in 20 minutes late for his barista shift, and currently has three matches left on seen on Tinder.

3. Regal Rose

Every season on The Masked Singer NZ (so last season and now this one), there’s a character who is coming here to steal your man. Last season it was Pavlova, this season it’s Regal Rose. Look at those lashes. This lady is not here to play.

2. Sergeant Steak ‘n Cheese Pie

A question for you, dear reader: would the concept of a pie cop be more or less unnerving if the pie was horizontal, rather than vertical as it is here? Something to ponder in the dark night of your soul.

1. Two Scoop Ice Cream

I have not stopped thinking about this costume since I saw it last night. Here are my questions for the designer:

1. Is this ice cream sentient?
2. If so, does each scoop have a will of its own?
3. If so, are they friends? Siblings? A couple doomed to be together forever? … Exes doomed to be together forever?
4. What flavours are the respective scoops meant to be?
5. Why do they have hands?
6. Why do they have eyebrows?
7. Why do they look so distressed?
8. Why does one scoop have a mouth and the other one doesn’t?
9. Is the cone a part of their body, or is it like a little receptacle for them?
10. Does it melt?

I suspect this two scoop ice cream will not leave my brain for many months. For that reason and that reason alone, it is the best costume on this season of The Masked Singer NZ.

The Masked Singer NZ starts Sunday night on Three and will be available to stream on Three Now.

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