Every day in the lead-up to Christmas, open the door to reveal a Spinoff writer’s short, sizzling commentary on a weighty subject. Our arbitrary and strictly enforced word limit: 365. Today: José Barbosa on the perfect milkshake.

Someone once said “only the madman is absolutely sure”. Well then I guess I’m eligible for in-home care because I will take the following beliefs regarding milkshakes to my grave.  

Firstly: there is no other flavour than chocolate. Strawberry is too sweet, lime can fuck off, creaming soda is a nightmare and anything caramel is like slurping up infected sick.

Secondly: no whipped cream, no pile of marshmallow bullshit, no chocolate sauce spunked over the inside of the glass. Milk, ice cream, syrup; that’s it. Freakshakes are perfectly named: they are abominations of nature.

Thirdly: the milk must be cold, the colder the better.  

Fourth: The perfect milkshake can only be served in either a stainless steel milkshake canister or a ‘longest drink in town’ cup.

Fifth: don’t use ‘milkshake ice cream’, use real good quality vanilla ice cream. And don’t use too much. If I want a thickshake I’ll ask for one, you cunt.

Sixth: Don’t skimp on the mixing. Mix that little bugger up real good. The milkshake should be light and bubbly. A very easy thing to get right, but it’s something a lot of establishments fail at. Try harder. Be better.

Seventh: Syrup or chocolate, however you do it, it needs to tread that fine line between sweetness and the all important chocolate taste. None of that American Hershey-esque chocolate taste thanks. Keep it European or pure New Zealand milk chocolate.

If you need inspiration or schooling, visit the two best milkshake wizards in the country: Crumb Cafe on Crummer Road, Grey Lynn, Auckland, and the Cozy Kitchen Cafe in Paeroa. Disturbingly, Cozy Kitchen has recently had a refurbishment. I nearly passed out from shock, but the milkshakes and cheese toasted sandwiches remain excellent.

Read the Spinoff Hot Take Advent Calendar in full here.