This is Auckland, where new money meets old. Alex Casey is going to try and laugh at The Real Housewives of Auckland through her weekly power rankings – because if we can’t laugh then all we have is the void. Click here for previous instalments.
1) Angela Stone
Hell has frozen over, the pigs are flying through the air and the chakras are all aligned: turns out Angela is an actual human being. And when I say a human being I of course mean, a marshmallow.
Angela has long tried to hammer home that she puts the real in cereal and the tru in strudel, but it wasn’t until this week that we got to see exactly why. Let us peek beneath the bold ponchos and the crashed VW bonnets to see the real Angela Stone, who made herself more vulnerable and exposed than a life model named Ben (I’ll get to him later).
Who would have thought this revelation would all begin with this chilled-out conversation starter?
The navel gazing continued as Angela was forced to Google what navel gazing meant…
With Angela’s eyes firmly fixed on her own bellybutton, Louise went full 20/20 on her ass and extracted the sword of truth from the Stone. Turns out that Angela and her twin brother were raised by their grandparents from the age of two, and she now doesn’t know where he is. Because she can’t help him, Angela tries to help as many other people as possible.
Just as the scary old man with the shovel in Home Alone turns out to be good, we’ve seen beneath the layers of Angie Stone, human marshmallow, serial lethargic, and queen of hand eye ball co-ordination. Namaste.
2) Rohan Clooney
Anne’s nephew Rohan returned this week for a tense blind date with Julia Sloane’s daughter. Anne decided this week that he is like “a young George Clooney” which seems bonkers until you remember what young George Clooney actually looked like and realise that this is kind of a sick neg by Anne BB.
For all his charm, Rohan still has the zingers and told Anne across the table, “from what I gather from my father, there have been a lot of boys you’ve liked.” Loony young Clooney how dare you judge Anne for her 5000 husbands! Focus on your own relationship for once in your life, mate.
Needs more love hearts imo.
3) Michelle Blanchard
There were two exceptionally good things that Michelle pioneered this week. Number one was this reaction to Gilda’s sweet Angela impression:
The second is this advice that Michelle gave to Angela about her scummy boyfriend. Please print this out and nail it to the door of all your good mates stuck in rancid rat king relationships imo.
4) Gilda Kirkpatrick
Gilda met up with her “bullshit-free friend” Michelle this week to talk about all the things that can kill people:
Homicidal plots aside, Gilda was a real Holly Hobby this week, organising everything from a fun day at the race track to a life drawing class with Anne Batley-Burton and a very low rent naked man. Her gaze was very much making a bee-line for the pee-line if you get what I mean. His eyes are up here Gilds.
5) This amazing flower arrangement
Now THAT is mise en scène.
6) Anne Batley Burton
Anne continues to lament the yesteryear of yore, back when you could trade mandarins for kisses and spend your teenage years playing Monopoly, Scrabble and 500 instead of awkwardly txting under the table whilst being filmed for a reality television show.
Rohan’s etiquette disaster aside, Anne definitely had a good time at the life drawing class. It was sophisticated, it was nude, it would have been raunchy if Anne had actually drawn a schlong instead of this ENORMOUS singular nipple. Where’s my rescue remedy because I need to be brought back from the dead via what is basically fresco Jesus:
7) Louise Wallace
All hail the queen of the reaction face:
Louise proved herself to still have her journalism chops this week, probing for answers from Angela like a frenzied Cuddly Bear looking for a tasty chicken leg. She calmed Angela down, heard her sob story without even whispering about being the weakest link once, and then won the car racing challenge whilst look like a total cool guy.
And who can forget her sage piece of advice for OK Go impersonators the world over: “If you take one foot off the treadmill, you’re going to fly backwards and hit your head.”
111) Baddie Kirk
How dare you walk out on a little marshmallow called Angie TWELVE TIMES?! Boy bye, enjoy your bowl of lettuce from Clooney.
Wait… Clooney?? Dat u Rohan?
666) Julia Sloane
Don’t look so shocked. You know what you did.
If you love devouring reality television as much as we do, be sure to check out UnREAL on Lightbox below. Trust us, you’ll never see reality the same again.
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