After a an exciting wet and wild week on The Bachelor NZ, Alex Casey delivers her fourth power rankings in our weekly series. If you missed previous power rankings, head here. //
Yet another great week traversing the rose petal-lined path to true love. But before we begin, let’s check in with Art to see how his workout is going:
Horned up on endorphins, Art was on the total prowl for kisses this week. And, against all odds, the universe did not provide. Alysha said no. Poppy said never. Brigette called him a dick. Back to the work out zone for you Arthur, these girls just want to sit in a hot tub whilst Mike Puru orbits around and around like a lonely dry moon:
Anyway, there was dodgeball, chipped teeth and sunblock lathered across Danielle B’s leathery back. What a week. Let’s get into it.
1. (LW: 6) Alysha
Finally Alysha has risen from the ashes, a blonde-haired phoenix with more rolling R’s than a pile of Rolling Stone magazines pushed down a slide in Inverrrcarrgill. She got the single date this week, and headed to Blenheim to a lovely Wither Hills vineyard. Ah, wine. Ah, to get plastered literally every single minute of every day and never acknowledge it due to alcohol advertising standards.
They went to a cellar where a Wither Hills cellar ghost told them about blending the perfect wine. She called her blend The Bachelorette (bad). He called his blend Southern Sapphire (definitely didn’t come up with that himself). “I want to know what’s behind those beautiful eyes,” Art said. “Please don’t kill me,” Alysha whispered, coyly.
Anyway so Art went gung ho for a kiss, whipping out his old ‘Can I Kiss You?’ card only to have it slashed in half by the Southern Sapphire. “Part of me wants to save it for another date,” Alysha said, completely reasonably. I think this was a great move, it made Art equal parts confused and intrigued, and brought out a bad side of Chrystal. Alysha is the Louis Vuitton Don at this stage, I believe in the Southern Sapphire.
2. (LW: 1) Dani
Dani called herself the ‘House Hussy’ which I thought was deeply funny. She was bloody good at dodgeball on the group date, and executed the slowest dunk of all time. Respect to her though, she got Art in that foam pit for some presumably stinky and sweaty one on one time. I’ve been to that place before and it smells like an elderly flannel with about four times as many germs. Oh well, hussies can’t be choosers.
I’m just saying there’s a lovely pita bread factory just across the road that would have made for a wonderful, hummus-filled group date. Maybe next season.
3. (LW: 4) Matilda
Matilda’s shining moment this week was obviously when she called Art ‘Billy Big Balls’, a disgustingly visual and extremely made-up saying that is sure to go down in television history. We also found out that she can’t dive for shit, but can write one hell of a haiku
Amazing that after hearing “give me a rose now,” Art instantly stood up and fetched her a rose. Note to all bachelorettes: walk up to Art like some terrible kitten meme and simply ask:
I think it would work every time, that guy has clearly not been briefed on the show yet.
4. (LW: 5) Natalie
Natalia is a real chip off the old tooth. On their single date, they had paddleboarding, delicious food (which, although ‘not a picky eater’, she refused to’t eat), and an erotic outdoor shower. But somewhere along the way, Natalie lost her confidence. Possibly with the small portion of tooth that was SMACKED OUT OF HER MOUTH BY THE OCEAN.
Things got a bit weird after this. After a literal shower, Art took to a metaphorical compliments shower. Too many showers, not enough teeth. After briefly kissing her on the lips, Natalie became possessed by the ‘fake-reporter-pretending-a-rose-is-a-microphone-devil’ and started interviewing Art out of awkwardness. It was weird, and also made them look as if they were about to burst into a beautiful ‘Cruisin’ duet.
Anyway, hold on to your teeth mate. There’s plenty more wet and wild fun to come.
5. (LW: 3) Poppy
Wherefore art thou Pop-eye? Pretty quiet in Poppy terms this week, outside of screaming about how Wills and Kate went to the same place that Alysha did and making mad wisecracks about Brigette’s boobs.
But, as ever, they got their intimate chat at the pool party. Despite pulling a Shivani, now known as an Alysha, she said something along the lines of:
It didn’t seem to bother Art, “you’re pretty high in my books.” Poppy is sitting pretty for now I think, they have good chemistry and she was wearing more armour on her finger than Lord Sauron. Powerful.
6. (LW: 9) Kristie
Kristie is terrifying and I dig it. Her time on the trampoline dodgeball court was some of the most psycho sports I have ever seen:
Getting some one on one time with Art at the cocktail party, she kept asking if he was handy, and what he was handy with. Stop saying “handy” Kristie, I see your sexy subliminal messaging!
With Hurricane Chrystal looming ever closer, Kristie dodge-balled away from her guards, her walls and her barriers for one brief moment: “I’m here for the right reasons, I’m here for love. I don’t need a man but I’d really really like one.”
And with that, she got a stealth rose and a rise up the rankings. I like you Kristie, but I never want to play dodgeball with you.
7. (LW: 2) Chrystal
Creepy AS move by Chrystal to foreshadow some sort of looming Bachelor pregnancy. I mean, I’m assembling a pitch for TV3 called Baby Bachelor as we speak, but this is just a little too much, too soon:
I think Art might be beginning to see the ‘chandelier’ version of Chrystal. If only because there are chandeliers dangling around his eyebrows 98% of the time. After calling out Alysha for not kissing him on the forced-open mouth, Art caught wind of her nasty judgement. Whether or not he remembers or cares is a whole different story.
Her cool-as-ice villainous veneer is not going to be maintained if she keeps saying stuff like this, I can tell you that much:
As my boyfriend pointed out, Chrystal saying that is The Bachelor equivalent of this:
8. (LW: 10) Danielle B
Okay, I nearly put Danielle in the number one spot today, because I am truly at my wit’s end with this one. The most exciting physical interaction they had this week is when Art double bounced her on the trampoline and made her leg go gammy.
I have a new theory about this. We’ve all thoroughly enjoyed the Women’s Day article about how much Art loves his Mum like a lot, and I think Danielle might be fulfilling that role in the house. I hate to be mean here, but I just can’t make sense of this outside of it being a Norman Bates situation. It’s the Articus Complex, and it appears to be unrelenting.
This bang on Lindauer placement being EXACTLY AS BLATANT as we had it on the #tfspod last week:
to our journalism!Find Out More
The Bachelor NZ airs Tuesdays at 8.30pm and Wednesdays at 7.30pm on TV3
Join The Spinoff Members for as little as $1 to help us hire more journalists and do more investigations. Or get a free Toby Morris-designed tea towel when you contribute $80 or more over a year.
The Spinoff Weekly compiles the best stories of the week – an essential guide to modern life in New Zealand, emailed out on Monday evenings.