Alex Casey assembles her contestant power rankings for week two, including a wet t-shirt contest, arty conversations and the hit list to end all hit lists.
This week on The Bachelor we saw a crummy dog wash, crummy paintball and a crummy mousse attack. Or as Mike Puru chose to describe it, a series of “spectacular” dates. Where has the budget on this show gone? Is it straight into Naz and Claudia’s big hat fund? Or Jordan’s slow motion guitar lessons?
They could have at least forked out for bloody etiquette lessons. This pure potty mouth is almost as obsessed with his testes as our own Prime Minister (someone who Alice Brine devastatingly pointed out, is also his voice doppelganger).
And what of Mike this week? Poor guy was stuck on that second step for hours, just waiting in agonising silence for someone to come over and check if he was alright.
Anyway, here’s where the others are at in what is shaping up to be the weirdest season of reality TV New Zealand has ever seen… [CHIMES FOLLOWED BY THE SOUND OF A GUILLOTINE CUTTING A CYMBAL IN HALF]
Storm has crept up out of nowhere, all tattoos and banana phobias, to win over the hearts and minds of the nation. Just check out that arrow symbolism there, even the kayaks love her!
After kayaking out to a very large boat that didn’t look available to them at all, they clambered on board for some banter and wine. “It’s so dark all of a sudden,” Storm remarked, experiencing the mysterious phenomena of “night” for the first time in 24 years. “Do you want me to feed ya??” shrieked Jordan. “Do ya??? Do you trust me?? Do ya???”
He biffed a pile of mousse on her nose whilst laughing maniacally, and she sat there in shock looking like someone who hates dressing up but has put in the minimum effort for a costume party they didn’t want to go to in the first place.
The mousse attack weirdly worked though, and they pashed 400 times in front of various pervy sea dogs.
Shari must have impressed Jordan with her artistic flair and observation that an open fire is “like a lava lamp on speed,” because she got the single date to the Auckland Art Gallery. Great location, one rung above MOTAT and one rung below the Odyssey Sensory Maze – also a great place to take someone who definitely seems like your Dad.
They strolled around the free parts of the gallery (he’s not made of money), whilst Shari blew him away with her artistic vocab.
They had a very humorous date full of many chuckles, despite her revealing she hasn’t seen Ghostbusters and doesn’t know who Bill Murray is. The pair did a bit of improv with the paintings, and then Jordan gave her a necklace because Michael Hill told him to. This lady was me.
On the paintball group date, Erin impressed Jordan by giving it a good old crack, so he treated her to a lovely drink in what can only be described as a butterfly horror house. Did she have her paintball skills to thank, or was it in fact her excellent choice in clothing? Lest we forget the good orange omen of yesteryear.
Anyway, back on the terrifying set of Silence of the Lambs things were looking pretty good. The pair proudly sported their paintball welts, and some gangster butterflies popped bottles and poured one out for their homies.
On the dog washing date – because nothing is more romantic than unpaid labour – Nicole jumped in the little shell pool to show just how animal friendly she is. She terrified all the animals, but did win the coveted “who is the most soaked” award.
Not one to wet and forget, Jordan took her aside for some solo time where she talked about how good she is at cutting off balls. Later on she joked about wanting Shari’s flash necklace more than a rose, which seemed entreprenuerial to me, and found herself straight on the Naz hit list.
“He’s getting to know them so he can send them home,” Naz said of anyone who wasn’t her. Naz revealed just how incredible and scary she is this week by introducing her hit list, which seems to include almost anyone who has ever been involved with The Bachelor franchise, and also the rest of New Zealand.
Naz was also responsible for the single greatest Bachelor scene yet, a dodgy conversation between her and Claudia that was curiously paired with an aerial shot of the house. It’s almost like they were being secretly recorded or something!
Was he though? Surely not, no way.
I still don’t actually think Danielle has met Jordan, but she’s seriously just the most amazing TV talent. How does she keep her smile like that all the time? Why are her eyes not slowly swelling shut one at a time like the rest of us trapped on this draining rollercoaster??
To quote another film that Shari has probably never seen, “I’ll have what she’s having.”
Hypnotising us all with her ancient mystical headdress, Claudia explained why her and Jordan would be the perfect couple.
Kate was clearly prompted to say something about “the right reasons” at least forty times this week, because she was dropping that line so many times it started to lose all meaning completely.
Does she even know what it means? Do I even know what it means? Are any of us here for the right reasons?
Read the rest of The Spinoff’s definitely excessive Bachelor NZ coverage here
Shout out to Fleur for still pretending to be interested in any story Jordan has to tell after her earth-shattering hyena monologue from last week.
As a wise woman once said, “my name is Ceri, I’m so very, shy oh my it’s a little bit scary.” Ceri’s confidence has gone from a refreshing and bold glass of apple juice to a withdrawn and wizened kitchen bench capsicum, watching the world pass her by.
What’s happened? She’s getting Claudia and Naz to do all of her courting for her, which is a little bit like getting Shari to direct the Ghostbusters reboot. She did look like an actual queen though, I’ll give her that.
After getting that very first kiss last week in the water, Sarah seems to be kicking the eff back and enjoying the scenery before she is mercilessly struck off Naz’ hit list.
Rebecca made this shambolic move when she was low on bubbles, teetering right into the middle of Shari and Jordan’s conversation just as he was unpacking his favourite scene from The Life Aquatic. It was a weird move, but at least she saved it with this uber supportive “yas queen” Streep finger.
Lara finally got time with Jordan, and used to ask him the essential question of human existence, the one moral quandary that has burdened humankind for centuries. Even world leaders are yet to find an answer to the riddle that divides cultures, splits generations and starts world wars…
Poor Amanda had trouble connecting with Jordan during the wet dog date – either the dog got her tongue or the poison from her Sharpie henna has slowly spread into her bloodstream. And with Rambo Lindsey gone, you know for sure there’s no medical professional on that set.
Gabrielle piped up briefly this week to ask for some time with Jordan, and he flat out turned her down. At least her namesake continues to provide the perfect soundtrack for her heart ache. Next week, come on Gabs.
All I’m saying is, that letter better be an apology note to the Broadcasting Standards Authority for saying the word “spastic” on television.
This shitty old shoe covered in gunge:
Anna’s playa response when Mike told her that her journey for true love was over:
These Christopher Lloyd looking monkeys:
Anyway, in the slightly too ominous words of the American Sniper, I’ll see you on the other side.
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