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Oyster fritter and tempura oysters at the Clevedon Oyster Gallery (Photo: Lucinda Bennett)
Oyster fritter and tempura oysters at the Clevedon Oyster Gallery (Photo: Lucinda Bennett)

KaiMay 6, 2024

How to make the most of oyster season

Oyster fritter and tempura oysters at the Clevedon Oyster Gallery (Photo: Lucinda Bennett)
Oyster fritter and tempura oysters at the Clevedon Oyster Gallery (Photo: Lucinda Bennett)

The Boil Up’s Lucinda Bennett considers the oyster – from freshness to pearls to the joy of shucking your own.

This is an excerpt from our weekly food newsletter, The Boil Up.

In Carmen Maria Machado’s short story ‘Eight Bites’, a woman begins her last supper before bariatric surgery with “a cavalcade of oysters.” When her sister – already made svelte – asks if they are good, she replies: “They are.”

“Tell me about them.”

“They are the sum of all healthy things: seawater and muscle and bone, I said. Mindless protein. They feel no pain, have no verifiable thoughts. Very few calories. An indulgence without being an indulgence. Do you want one?”

She does not, but I do. I always want an oyster. Any time they are on offer, I will order them, sometimes a half dozen served in a silver bowl filled with ice, but more often just one each for me and my dining companion, perhaps with a puddle of mignonette or a pale spoonful of champagne granita melting into brine. I love the ritual of an oyster, using a tiny implement to sever the fleshy hinge, prising the soft body from its sheath before clinking shells and tipping them down our throats, sweet salty buttery decadent slugs.

There are 28 oyster recipes indexed in M.F.K. Fisher’s Consider the Oyster. Oyster soups, stews, bisques and gumbo, instructions for making fried, grilled and roasted oysters as well as two recipes for something called pain d’huîtres or oyster loaf, a delicacy she remembers her mother describing as part of the sumptuous spreads at illicit boarding school midnight feasts – maybe there were cigarettes, and pickles, and bonbons. But it is the oyster loaf that I remember. There is even a recipe for how to make a pearl, although it will take at least 7 years and require such ingredients as an “unnameable wound-astringent provided by the Japanese government” and “1 diving-girl”.

A plate of big guys from Matakana Oysters (Photo: Lucinda Bennett)

I think it was the romance of possibly finding a pearl that first convinced me to eat an oyster. That, and my adolescent determination to appear bold and sophisticated – much like a young Anthony Bourdain defiantly volunteering to eat one of the “raw, slimy things” and changing his whole life.  While I never bit down on a pearl, I did become the kind of sophisticate who will drive for the well-priced glistening, coppery Pacifics sold at the roadside shack on the way to Tāwharanui or head to the east coast after a hike for plump winter oysters so fresh they quiver when squirted with lemon. In Aotearoa, we are lucky to never be far from the coast, never far from fresh kaimoana, so we can eat our oysters like this: raw but for a few bright drops of citrus to cut the butter, their briny scent mingling with ocean air, the best way to eat them.

In saying that, I do like a fried oyster, or an oyster fritter – both of which Clevedon Oysters do gorgeously from their weekend galley. To enjoy oysters even more cheaply (although not quite so cheap as gathering your own), you can often buy sacks of wholeshells (Matakana Oysters often has them, and a great video on how to shuck) or order them online from places like Mahurangi Oysters. It’s hard mahi, but by the time you’ve shucked a couple of kilograms you’ll be an absolute pro, and if you bugger them up you can take a leaf out of Monique Fiso’s book – literally – and use a couple to make a deeply oystery emulsion to intensify flavour of all your perfectly shucked ones.

Some oyster season recommendations:

  • This interview with Wini Geddes (Ngāti Awa, Ngaitai ki Tōrere) of Ōhiwa Oyster Farm – one of the first 100% Māori-owned oyster farms in the world – by Charlotte Muru-Lanning is worth a revisit. If you’re visiting Whakatāne, Tio Ōhiwa also offer oyster tours which include a cruise around the Ōhiwa Harbour as well as shucking, tasting and a complimentary meal.
  • A nice little round up of where to get Bluffies in Tāmaki Makaurau right now.
  • …or if you really love Bluffies, why not make a trip for the festival on May 25th? There’s a few tickets still available!
  • For the bivalve-averse, food writer and chef Sam Mannering has shared a recipe for cinnamon oysters – although it is for paid subscribers.
  • An essay by one of my favourite food writers, Alicia Kennedy, who is vegan but eats oysters – more common than you think – on her first. Writing on oysters is so often about the first!
Keep going!
“You bite into this meat patty thinking, ‘Oh yeah, this is a burger.’ But then you keep eating and realise there’s no love in this world.”
“You bite into this meat patty thinking, ‘Oh yeah, this is a burger.’ But then you keep eating and realise there’s no love in this world.”

KaiMay 2, 2024

Is cooking with dog food instead of meat actually fine? I gave it a go

“You bite into this meat patty thinking, ‘Oh yeah, this is a burger.’ But then you keep eating and realise there’s no love in this world.”
“You bite into this meat patty thinking, ‘Oh yeah, this is a burger.’ But then you keep eating and realise there’s no love in this world.”

Results ranged from surprisingly yum to soul-destroying.

I love cooking. The kitchen is a hearth of culinary creation, of sensory delights, of gastronomic poetry. I also can’t afford anything nice. Why does a pack of instant noodles and some milk cost ten bucks? I love you, Aotearoa, but I miss being able to afford bare necessities. 

I met a bloke at the pub recently who was employed in freezing works. He told me dog rolls are actually fine for human consumption, despite what the labels say, because Big Dogroll isn’t going to risk any lawsuits. I took his word at face value and decided to try eating dog food with no further research. 

It was lots cheaper, but possibly not worth it. Here’s how it went. 

Superior Possyum cheeseburger 

I was dead curious about tasting possum. For a country with a pest problem, I’m flabbergasted that we don’t solve it by eating the bastards. Apparently this is due to the risk of tuberculosis and 1080, which I just found out right now by Googling it hours later. 

At $15 for 2kg, this is the bougiest dog slab. Described as “semi-moist” and “palatable”, it’s blended with fresh beef, lamb liver, and kidney. It has lots of vitamins which promise to make my coat extra shiny. 

Cheeseburger seemed like a good dog-meat recipe to me. Your average fast-food burger, like Possyum, is already highly processed, so I reckoned it wouldn’t taste too different. I once knew a “vegetarian” who ate Maccas because “it’s not real meat”. I figured the condiments would mask any ick, too. 

I sliced a 100g hunk of Possyum, which is recommended for my daily intake. I sauteed garlic in olive oil and added the sizzling meat. It was thick and compact; refusing to cook through but smelling pretty good. I melted on a slice of rubber Chesdale and added barbeque sauce. 

Bon appétit!

It didn’t taste bad. It was immensely dense and very chewy. I couldn’t swallow it. I don’t know why. I tried again, but my gag reflex kicked in. It’s just meat – what’s the problem? Am I really that narrow-minded, unwilling to sample foods from cultures not my own?

Enticed by the smell of roast garlic and possum, my flatmate wafted into the kitchen. I fed them some dog burger. They are bisexual and have a much better gag reflex than me. They swallowed. The light slowly faded from their eyes. 

“It gives the impression of a real burger, but without the internal consistency,” they said. “It feels like mush. You bite into this meat patty thinking, Oh yeah, this is a burger. But then you keep eating and realise there’s no love in this world.”

I made them eat dog food with me from this point on, to be strong where I could not. 

Edmonds corned dog roll

For this meal, I followed a recipe from the classic kiwiana Edmonds cookbook. I learnt that corned beef is not beef with corn, but beef you make wet by simmering it in water for thirty mins, which sounds even more disgusting than dog roll. 

Corned beef is described as “economical” by Edmonds, but at $16-17 a kilo, it’s hardly economical anymore. Wag, by comparison, is $3 a kilo. Much better. 

I used Wag Chicken & Garlic. When I sliced the roll open, it was already wet. Soggy, smelly meat liquid ejaculated over my countertop. I added vinegar, onions, sugar, peppercorns and herbs, then began to cook; my house briefly filled with a decadent homely musk, before being replaced by the most foul, deathly stench I’ve encountered in my life. It smelled like a corpse dissolved in wet compost. Fittingly, Wag roll is so soft that my corned beef disintegrated into sludge. It then congealed, leaving a jelly on top. 

Corned “beef”. Mmmmmm.

My flatmate took a sip of dog roll soup. They dry heaved. I took a sip. I also dry heaved.  

“Why did you try making corned beef out of chicken?” asked my flatmate. “Are you stupid?” 

I regretted pitching this article. 

Edmonds Superior Chunky dog roll meatloaf

Sorry, we didn’t eat this one. I fed it to my actual pet dog who I acquired halfway through writing this article. He liked it.

By the way, are dog foods all named by lesbians? Butch? Strapz? Sounds like a good time. 

‘Help keep The Spinoff funny, smart, tall and handsome – become a member today.’
Gabi Lardies
— Staff writer

Vitapet Duck Tenders

Straight up, these are delicious as fuck. The core ingredient is 97% jerkied duck – my favourite meat, and a quarter of the price of Jack Links jerky.  These are the only treats I managed to stomach, and I had a couple extras, too. 

My flattie also rated them highly. 

“Thanks for helping me with the article,” I said to my flatmate.

“It’s OK,” they said, eating another duck treat.

“You can stop eating those now.”

“OK,” they said.

When I came back later, the packet was empty. 

Vitapet Chicken with Bacon Flavour

I tentatively nibbled on these while waiting for a delayed Metlink bus in Newtown, and I still wasn’t the weirdest person at the bus stop. Disgusting, floury, and doesn’t taste anything like bacon. I spat the glob into a public bin. 

My flatmate agreed: they didn’t taste bacon by any stretch of the imagination.My dog didn’t even like them. He buried them in some cushions, then ate his bed instead. 

Vitapet Chicken Sticks

Hold on – these taste exactly like the bacon snacks. The sausage shape is more appetising, rather like kielbasa, but they taste like drywall. Total ripoff. 

“An overall better sensory experience, but retains the essence of Play-Doh,” was the consensus. 

“Each of the treats has a je-ne-sais-exactly-quois, and it’s Play-Doh,” another flattie agreed. 

At the end of the day, for the most part, dog food is not very nice. It’s one thing to eat dog food as a laugh for an article, but I think about the freezing works bloke at the pub, and what he told me about the number of homeless and poor people – people in desperate situations who can’t afford better – who have dog food as part of their diet. Massive numbers of families in New Zealand suffer from poverty and food insecurity. This silly experiment is a harsh reality for some. 

Thanks Spinoff for this job so I can afford real human food. Although maybe a bit more of that duck jerky wouldn’t hurt, either.