Complete with a shock fall for a much-heralded household favourite, and a stunning rise for a budget brand.

Much like the Holy Spirit or Liam Hemsworth, smooth peanut butter lives in the shadow of a more popular and beloved family member. Crunchy is often seen as the connoisseur’s choice; the platonic ideal of nut butter. Sometimes the criticism gets personal. The Spinoff’s deputy editor Alice Neville has vehemently insisted that “smooth peanut butter is for babies”. Though our other seven judges are less vitriolic, most still self-identify as more of a crunchy person.

Nevertheless, we persist, because smooth is both a delicious treat and one perfectly suited to these straitened and sometimes just straight up shitty times. It may be less challenging than crunchy, but the world is challenging enough without jagged nut morsels on your toast. The Spinoff’s chief executive Amber Easby sums it up. “As I’ve gotten older, I’ve switched to smooth peanut butter. Crunchy is too much work. I don’t need any more friction in my life,” she says.

True. Relatable. But which ground-up nut butter should you slurp down your gullet before setting off for work? Before we answer that question, a few notes on process. First, as always, this was a blind taste test. Every brand was assigned a colour code and judges were given no hint as to the true identity of the spreads they were asked to rank. Secondly and controversially, every offering was spread on plain white bread. Yes, I know, toasted Vogel’s is the better vehicle. But providing toast of a similar warmth for 11 different spreads is simply too much of a logistical challenge in The Spinoff’s kitchenette, which contains a single toaster, a Moccamaster and several of Emma Gleason’s skin cells, which were burnt off when our last toaster short-circuited.

Judges were told to consider taste first and foremost, alongside texture, aftertaste and moreishness. They were told to give each spread a mark out of 10. Lastly, they were urged not to fuck up. Once again, Eta was not included, because our supermarkets don’t sell it any more. Neither were boutique brands that aren’t in supermarkets, mainly because buying them would bankrupt The Spinoff and on a related note, you can become a member here.

OK, buckle up. It’s time to rank, starting with the winner of our prize for being consistently ass.

11) Ceres Organics Smooth Peanut Butter

3.2/10

$6.79 for 300g from Pak’nSave ($2.26 per 100g) 

When we ranked crunchy peanut butters, The Spinoff’s writers joined hands and unanimously lambasted Ceres Organics’ offering as a putrid affront to peanut butter and probably God.

By contrast, this time around our writers merely thought the company’s smooth offering was disgusting. There were a few fours. One 4.7 from our most reliably enigmatic ranker, Tina Tiller.

But let’s not sugarcoat a turd. “Hate hate hate. Bad bad bad,” wrote Joel MacManus to begin his review. “Way too runny,” wrote Gemma Spring. “Could not handle that runny liquid in my mouth.”

But hold on, can I just speak briefly in defence of our embattled friends at Ceres? I’m coming to believe shock factor is playing a role in these paroxysms of distaste. This peanut butter just doesn’t taste like you expect or, let’s face it, want a peanut butter to taste. But if you can move through the stages of denial, anger, bargaining and depression, you may come to a place of acceptance where it’s possible to enjoy Ceres for what it is rather than what you want it to be.

10) Essentials Smooth Peanut Butter

4.1/10

$2.39 for 375g from Woolworths ($0.64 per 100g) 

Identifiably cheap and not in a good way. Reviewers marked Essentials down over its lack of flavour and disconcerting texture. The most vivid critique came from Robbie Nicol. “It has the slight taste of ‘old’, which is bad,” he said, ageistly. The most vicious came from Joel. “Not suitable for anyone whose palate has developed past the age of 10,” he wrote, reverse-ageistly.

9. Nut Brothers Smooth Peanut Butter

4.6/10

$8.49 for 500g from Woolworths ($1.70 per 100g) 

Sorry once again to the brotherhood of the nut. In our crunchy peanut butter rankings, much of the pissing and moaning about Nut Brothers centred on its oiliness. The complaints were still textural in nature this time, but the criticism was reversed. “Really really sticky,” I wrote. “An absolute nightmare for anyone who suffers from arachibutyrophobia,” wrote Joel, in reference to an apparently real phobia people have of peanut butter sticking to the roof of their mouths.

It’s a sad fate for an artisan spread, though no doubt the nut family will get through this together.

8. Pams Smooth Peanut Butter

4.8/10

$1.99 for 375g from Pak’nSave ($0.53 per 100g) 

Identifiably cheap in a slightly less offensive way. Though it would be too much to say it was liked, Pams was tolerated by some of our reviewers. The most lavish praise came from Cecile Brugnoli. “This tastes good, not too salty,” she wrote. Others weren’t so sure. “Paste-like consistency, too pale in colour. Flavour? Meh,” said Alice Neville. “I do not like this,” said Tina.

7. Forty Thieves Smooth Peanut Butter

5/10

$7.49 for 375g from Woolworths ($2.00 per 100g)

I wouldn’t go so far as to say it was screwed over by “The Spin-Off”, but Forty Thieves was at least hard done by. Though its spread is in the smooth section, it’s marketed as “not too smooth” on the jar, albeit with the “not too” in very tiny letters. Unfortunately this was a blind taste test, which meant this butter still got a blizzard of criticism over its nut flecks. “You can’t call that smooth,” wrote Elisa Rivera. “Is this basically a crunchy?” asked Alice.

The answer is yes, intentionally so. But if I’d told our reviewers that, it would have destroyed the sanctity of the ranking process. This was likely the closest any Spinoff ranking general has got to experiencing Sophie’s Choice. Forty Thieves comes in at seven but take it with a grain of nut.

6. Pic’s Smooth Peanut Butter

5.3/10

$7.79 for 380g from Woolworths ($2.05 per 100g) 

Shock! Horror! Wtf!!! Pic’s picked up first equal in our rankings of crunchy peanut butters with almost across-the-board positive ratings. This time it was divisive. Eli thought it tasted like butter popcorn (somehow derogatory). Joel hailed its “pleasant flavours that dance on your tastebuds”. Alice thought it was too sweet and salty (proving she is a dumbass because its sugar and salt quotient are actually quite low). Robbie had qualms but appreciated its inoffensive aftertaste.

I really don’t know what happened here. After Pic’s result in the crunchy rankings, its PR company sent The Spinoff jars of its newly released honey and chilli-infused offerings. For what it’s worth, both were delicious. Now I’m worried they’re going to send us a jar of limited edition cyanide. Pic’s, if you’re reading this, I have a vitally important message to impart, and it is that this is 100% not my fault!! I gave you a seven! Gemma gave you a two! Get her!! I’m innocent!!!

5. Bega Smooth Peanut Butter

5.4/10

$5.50 for 375g from Woolworths ($1.47 per 100g) 

Now we’re entering the inner sanctum, the hall of the nut. Bega is still as delicious as the day it was Kraft. Once again, Joel and I were in sync, this time extolling its virtues. “Enough salt to bring out the umami without overwhelming it. And a pleasant lingering aftertaste. It’s strangely calming; I would eat this on a soft slice of white bread at a morning picnic at the Botanical Gardens,” he said. “I’m into it,” I wrote. Tina was also a fan, praising its firm texture and light mouth coating.

Unfortunately, Bega’s score was let down by a few doubters, but it’s still a solid showing for an affordable brand, albeit one produced in Australia by a company with a less-than-ideal history.

4. Mother Earth Natural Smooth Peanut Butter

5.5/10

$6.50 for 380g from Woolworths ($1.71 per 100g) 

Mother Earth has been a paragon of consistency through thick, thin, crunch and smooth. It rode to fifth in our crunchy rankings and fourth here atop a tsunami of shrugs and mild contentment.

Just like Mother Earth herself, few people hate this spread. Few are overcome with love either. Eli encapsulated the sentiment: “That tastes like your stock standard peanut butter. It’s fine,” she wrote. If you’re planning a peanut butter party and want everyone to have a medium time, Mother Earth should be your pick. If you’re hoping to achieve nutvarna, there are other options.

3. Skippy Creamy Peanut Butter

6.1/10

$4.99 for 462g from Woolworths ($1.08 per 100g) 

The value-for-money champ strikes again. Skippy was robbed of winning our crunchy rankings thanks to one horrible mark from a judge called Tina who shall remain nameless. Emma Gleason was most effusive about its virtues, extolling its “visible” and “artisanal” husks. Unfortunately she wasn’t around to assess any husks this time, preferring to holiday in China. But Skippy’s smooth, or to use its own despicable parlance, “creamy”, offering still artisanalised quite a few tastebuds. Robbie gave it a nine, praising its mix of saltiness and sweetness and “viscosity”. Cecile came through with a full 10 smackeroos. “This resonates with me,” she wrote.

If there is a knock on Skippy, it’s that it’s even more likely to kill you than the other spreads. It has the second-highest sodium content of any of the listed products, at 469mg per 100g serve. Eating it in bulk may earn you an early death. But you’ll have a scrumptious life while it lasts.

2. Pams Finest Smooth Peanut Butter

7/10

$5.39 for 380g from Pak’nSave ($1.42 per 100g) 

Pams wasn’t lying about this being its finest. The budget brand’s premium offering flew past a collection of more celebrated spreads before stopping and mooning them from afar. Judges delivered it a series of eights and nines, praising its “dark hue” and alluring “full-bodied” flavour.

Mouthfeel was the biggest point of contention. “A little runny but not in a bad way,” wrote Alice. “Understandably runny. It’s smooth!” wrote Gemma, apparently feeling more texturally charitable than she did for Ceres. Joel was less impressed by its combination of thinness and stickiness. “Like a squatter who moves into the roof of your mouth and refuses to leave,” he complained.

Sticky or not, Pams Finest deserves credit for living up to its name while occupying a lower price point than its premium competitors. It has eclipsed most of its more heralded rivals. But not all…

1. Fix & Fogg Smooth Peanut Butter

7.4/10

$7.49 for 375g from Woolworths ($2.00 per 100g) 

All hail the undisputed nut emperor. Fix & Fogg shared first place with Pic’s in our crunchy rankings. This time it cleared the field by a decisive margin. Once again, consistency was the key to its success, with the spread earning either a seven or an eight from all but one of our judging panel. Its mouthfeel, oil quotient and big, bold flavour all earned it extra marks. Tina praised the spread in similar terms to a handsome dog, hailing its “glossy shine”. Robbie lauded it for getting the basics right. “Tastes like peanuts, which surprisingly is not something I can say about all of them,” he said.

Thanks to its ability to make a nut paste that tastes like nuts, this Wellington brand now stands alone atop the breakfast mountain. Its competitors lie sprawled below, their artisan husks deflated, their nuts akimbo. Thus ends our rankings of New Zealand’s mainstream peanut butters. Now to chow down on this jar of the strange paste Pic’s has sent in the mail. Goodbye.