PartnersApril 11, 2016

KFC Super Rugby power rankings week 7: The least talked about star of Super Rugby

Senior sports writer

The Chiefs still top the rankings after a close call against the Blues, but the Hurricanes are breathing down their necks following a niggly win over the Jaguares in Wellington. Scotty Stevenson sorts it all out in the KFC Super Rugby Power Rankings.

1. Chiefs
Rd 7: 29-23 v Blues
Last week: 1 (N/C)
Yes, the Chiefs are still on top after withstanding the full force of the Blues’ best intentions in Hamilton on Friday night. ‘The Battle for Huntly’ was typically fierce, and the Blues even managed to unearth some serious vulnerabilities in the Chiefs defensive set up – namely that they are prone to getting caught short when teams go wide-to-wide on them. Unfortunately for the Blues, the Chiefs are the stage-six clingers of rugby; you just can’t shake them. Also, I am inclined to give bonus points here for the fact that Stephen Donald played forty minutes and showcased his infamous “head dummy step” which, of course, no one bought. When asked post-match if he was happy to run dummy cut lines all night, Beaver replied “When you have Seta Tamanivalu running the outside line, would YOU pass me the ball?”

2. Hurricanes
Rd 7: 40-22 v Jaguares
Last week: 4 (up 2)
The Hurricanes celebrated Cory Jane’s 100th Super Rugby match with a pull-away win over a Jaguares side that now looks intent on winning nothing but the thug life award for most niggle in a season. No sooner had the Canes posted a bonus point victory than they were again disparaged in some sections for struggling against a weaker side. Those same sections claimed pre-season that the Jaguares were play off contenders, which just goes to show you can’t have your cake and eat it too, even when you are playing in the Cake Tin. Seriously, though, how can you not love a team in which the hooker runs for more metres than any other player? Dane Coles is the Schalk Brits of New Zealand rugby.

3. Crusaders
Rd 7: 20-19 v Force
Last week: 3 (N/C)
The Crusaders are guilty of making a complicated game look impossible. If the Crusaders were planning your trip to the Gold Coast they would book flights via Los Angeles, London and Dubai. There is no such thing as the shortest route to the line for this team, which is just the way they do things. There is also no such thing as panic in the Crusaders which is exactly the reason they were able to win this week despite making 23 turnovers. One more thing: is Johnny McNicholl the least talked about star of Super Rugby?

Johnny McNicholl: scored a try. (Photo: Getty Images)

4. Lions
Rd 7: 24-9 v Sharks
Last week: 6 (up 2)
I prayed following the defeat to the Crusaders that the Lions wouldn’t back away from their enthusiastic attacking mindset, but they did anyway, which illustrates both the futility of prayer and the deep-seated South African mistrust of rugby flair. The Sharks did more than the Lions to win the game, but were undone by the fact they are as imaginative as a politician’s press conference. The Lions took full toll of the Sharks’ woeful turnover rate which is exactly what they should have done.

5. Highlanders
Rd 7: 27-28 v Reds
Last week: 2 (down 3)
The Highlanders attempted to smash the world record for the most godawful passes in a single game of rugby and did it with ease. There is plenty of admiration for the Highlanders’ rip shit and bust style – they are the defending champions after all – but there was a worrying lack of composure against the Reds. It was as if the Highlanders were missing something. Oh, that’s right, Ben Smith wasn’t playing.

6. Brumbies
Rd 7: BYE
Last week: 5 (down 1)
Through no fault of their own the Brumbies fall a place on a bye week. What does one do in Canberra on a bye week? What does one do in Canberra any other week?

7. Stormers
Rd 7: 46-19 v Sunwolves
Last week: 7 (N/C)
The Stormers shocked the universe by scoring more points this week than any other team in Super Rugby which would have put paid to the whole one-dimensional Stormers argument if it weren’t for the fact they scored all those points against the Sunwolves, who have the defensive integrity of wartime France. The Stormers have a dream draw this season, but they will not go deep in the playoffs until they stop playing deep in their own half.

8. Bulls
Rd 7: 38-6 v Kings
Last week: 9 (up 1)
Old mate Jeremy Wells loves the Bulls for their ten-man style and who could blame him for that? I’m just going to throw this out there as exhibit A in the case for the Bulls’ adherence to legacy: Bulls first five eighth Tiaan Schoeman ran zero times for zero metres. How is that even possible in a game of rugby? There is nothing more Bulls than that stat – nothing! They also threw 22 offloads. There is nothing less Bulls than that stat.

Tiaan Schoeman in action for the Bulls. (Photo by Suhaimi Abdullah/Getty Images) — Tiaan Schoeman: Bulls legend in the making. (Photo by Suhaimi Abdullah/Getty Images)

9. Blues
Rd 7: 23-29 v Chiefs
Last week: 10 (up 1)
There are three genuinely exciting things about the Blues. Two of them are called Ioane and the other is called Blake Gibson. It has been mentioned before in the Power Rankings that the Blues look like a side that has forgotten how to win, and that’s all about chances. I mentioned during the game that the Blues create chances, and the Chiefs convert them. That was pretty much the match report from Friday. The Blues do so many good things, but offloading to no one inside their own 22 is not one of them.

10. Rebels
Rd 7: BYE
Last week: 8 (down 2)
The great thing about being a Rebel is that you can walk around your own home town and not a single person will know who you are. Perfect for date nights. The Rebels fall off the back of the bye but like the Brumbies it’s through no fault of their own. I am starting to love the Rebels – they have a Highlanders buzz going on there, minus the championship, the two Smiths, Malakai Fekitoa, Patrick Osborne, Waisake Naholo and Lima Sopoaga. But in every other way they are like the Highlanders.

11. Reds
Rd 7: 28-27 v Highlanders
Last week: 14 (up 3)
I can’t believe I am doing this, but the Reds are on a climb through the Power Rankings after somehow holding out the defending champions in Brisbane on Saturday night. There are certain elements that temper my enthusiasm for the Reds. First, the Highlanders sucked to 2013-level proportions. Second, the Reds themselves genuinely have no idea how they won that game. They are the first team this year to get a standing ovation at half time, purely because the Suncorp faithful were as shocked as the players that they had scored 22 points.

12. Waratahs
Rd 7: BYE
Last week: 12 (N/C)
I’ve got a horrible feeling that the Waratahs are about to discover their mojo again, and realise it was lying under a towel at Coogee Beach all along.

13. Force
Rd 7: 19-20 v Crusaders
Last week: 17 (up 4)
I actually shed a tear for the Force on Friday night. After three weeks of conducting losing captain post match interviews with Matt Hodgson in New Zealand I feel like I’ve become emotionally invested, which is a terrible state to be in with a team that continues to find all new ways to break your heart. There is T’Pau-level heart and soul in the Force but heart and soul only get you so far in this competition. At some point you have to nut punch someone.

14. Sharks
Rd 7: 9-24 v Lions
Last week: 11 (down 3)
The Sharks have jumped the Shark. What has happened to this team?

15. Cheetahs
Rd 7: BYE
Last week: 15 (N/C)
You know that friend you have who turns up to every party, makes everyone laugh, dances like a demon, puts on good tunes but then drinks too much an ends up smashing your rabbit ornaments you just bought from IKEA at which point you swear you will never invite him to a party again but then the next party rolls around and he’s not there and suddenly it doesn’t feel half as much fun without him? Yeah, that’s the Cheetahs on a bye-week.

16. Jaguares
Rd 7: 22-40 v Hurricanes
Last week: 13 (down 3)
They’re not getting any better, are they?

17. Sunwolves
Rd 7: 19-46 v Stormers
Last week: 18 (up 1)
The dam was always going to burst at some stage for the Sunwolves, and it finally happened against the Stormers. Yes, the Sunwolves conceded more points than any other team this week but at east they are still scoring some points of their own, which is more than can be said for the Kings.

18. Kings
Rd 7: 6-38 v Bulls
Last week: 16 (down 1)
Stop, hey, what’s that sound? That’s the sound of the Kings’ coming crashing back down to earth, that’s what that sound is.

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PartnersApril 8, 2016

“What’s with the hot mess of a hairdo, Fraser?” – Thoughts from the premiere of Outlander S2

Tara Ward

Staff writer

Our resident Outlander fanatic Tara Ward shares her thoughts from the much-anticipated premiere of time-travel romance series. Contains spoilers. And smoulders.

All good things come to those who wait: a Briscoes sale, a Monday-ised stat holiday, and the season two premiere of Outlander. It’s been ten long months since Claire and Jamie Fraser sailed for France, hell-bent on infiltrating the French royal court to prevent the Jacobite uprising and change the future, blah, blah, blah.

Let’s not split ginger hairs, because the details aren’t important. All that matters is that season two of Outlander is finally, finally here. Gird your loins, people: here are my thoughts as we step rapturously into the unknown world of episode one.

1) So many feelings

Droughtlander is over! Claire is back! I’m ecstatic! I’m fist punching the air! This is glorious! But what fresh hell is this, Craigh na Dun? Claire is raging against the stones. She’s screaming from that place deep in your guts that you find when terrible things happen like death and time travel and looking for the last chocolate biscuit, but you’ve already eaten it and not even noticed.

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This is terrible. Jamie is dead. Not just dead, but ‘dust’. Dust is bad! You should see behind my couch, there’s shitloads of the stuff. Is dead Jamie Fraser behind my couch? My chest feels tight at the thought, and not entirely in a bad way.

Claire! It’s a car! It’s 1948! Frank, we’re coming! Fraaaaank! Things are looking up but hold it together Claire because…

2) [SPOILER ALERT] The British won the Battle of Culloden

Not the news Claire was hoping for, then.

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3) Reverend Wakefield isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed

Woman disappears from mythical place, returns two years later wearing authentic 18^th century clothing and reads everything ever written about the Jacobite Rebellion. “Why this sudden obsession with Scottish history?” the Rev puzzles. “Why is the sky grey? What is this strange collar around my neck?”

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It’s time travel, Rev, surely it’s not that unusual.

4) Mrs Graham had learned some new words

Not only is Claire impressing Mrs Graham with her jaunty tales of time travel, she’s blowing her mind with colourful colloquialisms. Remember when Claire called Jamie a “fucking sadist”? “He had no idea what I was talking about. We had a good laugh about it afterwards.” They were golden days, Claz, golden days.

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5) 200 years have passed and I’m still not sure Claire fully appreciates Jamie’s strengths

“Ye nearly always mention his fine sense of humour, and his smile, and his hair,” says Mrs Graham, building quite the saucy picture of Jamie in her mind. Hold the phone, Jamie’s hair is third in the list of the Ginger Ninja’s best assets? Claire’s obviously still in shock.

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6) “All that matters is you’re back” – now we know why she loved Frank

Bless you, Frank, for trying to understand what (who) Claire’s been doing these past two years. “I admit, it is hard to reconcile what you are saying with logic,” he says, in the understatement of the century. Wait until she tells you about the time she dressed as a man and sang her way through the Highlands in a ploy to find her other husband. Now THAT’S a story that defies logic.

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7) If anyone else mentions ‘Jamie Fraser’, ‘soft ginger curls’ or ‘I prefer my Scotch on the rocks’ then this shed full of random crap gets it

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8) Wee Roger is still wearing the same clothes he had on in 1945 (or as fans like to call it, season one)

That’s the least of Wee Roger’s worries, because Frank just dropped the f-bomb in front of this innocent little cherub. Those filthy-mouthed Randalls have been nothing but trouble since 1945, or 1743, or whatever.

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9) It’s the return of the Mac and all is well with the world again

Welcome back to 1745, ladies and gentlemen, and bienvenue to Claire’s second husband of the evening. But what’s with the hot mess of a hairdo, Fraser? Drifting aimlessly at sea for the past 10 months is no excuse for this Mom-Bob gone wrong, especially when that hair is your third best attribute.

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10) Murtagh refuses to wear a French cloth of lies but Claire is all ‘when in Rome’ etc

Who knew Murtagh was such a lyrical genius? To him, plotting against the Jacobite rebellion is like ‘wearing a plaid woven from guile and deception’. That is some deep shit right there. But look at Claire, whose cloak is woven with the hundreds of lies she’s spun, and she’s totally fine.

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11) Shout-out to the pretend people of France

What better way to die than in a warehouse filled with wine? Chuck together a quick cheese platter and OMG, literally dying.

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12) Scottish superheroes unite to rid the world of pus

“Who the hell are you? Have you any idea of what you have done?” demands Vampire Comte St Germain, mega-pissed he has to burn his pox-ridden ship thanks to Claire’s big mouth and impeccable French. “Shit-stirring is how I roll,” Claire replies, “get used to it, sweet cheeks.”

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Oh, Outlander, you did us proud. That was a cracking return, filled with more emotions than Frank could take a big stick to. It had joy, it had sorrow, it had more ginger kisses than the bakery aisle at Countdown. Outlander, I bloody love you.

Pour yourself a dram and dive into the new season Outlander on Lightbox below (new episodes arriving every Sunday at 7pm)

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