Possibly
National MPs are in the caucus room determining things like the leadership of New Zealand. In the absence of any information emerging from that meeting, we have taken the obvious path, and made it up.
Here is the latest.
9.30am
There is a nervous energy in the National caucus room. Christopher Luxon has just finished up an anecdote about Chicago and is now on to Canada.
9.45am
Chris Bishop is circling the perimeter of the caucus room on a Lime scooter.
10am
Simeon Brown is curled up in the corner shivering, surrounded by empty packets of pseudoephedrine.
10.15am
Erica Stanford is rummaging through a large duffel bag. It looks like Murray McCully is in there.
10.30am
Christopher Luxon has taken to his feet and declared – no ifs, buts or maybes – that Stuart Nash will have no place in a cabinet he leads.
10.45am
Winston Peters is not present and yet everywhere, manifest in every atom in the room.
11am
Christopher Luxon is on his feet reading a rousing speech from his telephone, with the peroration: “We didn’t come this far to stop now. Stand up. Hold the line. Let’s finish what we started. Would you like me to provide another version of the speech, this time with a more conciliatory tone?”
11.15am
Some backbencher or other has launched into a lengthy summary of the state of play. “We knew Chris could beat Chris,” she says. “But can Chris beat Chris? If we go with Chris then Chris will shake in his boots but if we choose Chris will only make Chris feel stronger.”
11.30am
Nicola Grigg says Erica Stanford is her friend but she is not a prime minister. That sparks a heated debate about who exactly is the prime minister. After a quick show of hands, John Key comes out narrowly ahead of Mike Hosking and Winston Peters.
11.45am
The backbencher is still going. “And by the way how dare Chris come in here and say Chris is any better than Chris or Chris? As for Erica, well, I agree with Chris.”
12pm
Stuart Smith has been spotted curled up in a cavity above the ceiling.
12.15pm
Simeon Brown is making a powerful case for Chrisopher Luxon, or at least he seems to be. No one can quite make out what he is saying from under the three layers of PPE.
12.30pm
Gerry Brownlee appears to be in great pain. Under the caucus table he is tightening a precision woodworking vice around his own fingers, “to take my mind off it all”.
1pm
Christopher Luxon has just announced he will hold a referendum on the flag. And the anthem. And also a referendum on earthquakes, good or bad?
2pm
Nicola Willis is delivering an update on the fuel stock details, detailing the supply in-country, within New Zealand waters and beyond. No one is listening. All anyone can hear is Simeon Brown groaning as his other sinus goes.
3pm
Chris Penk has 3D-printed a fixed-wing drone, armed it with a specialised anti-armour payload and sent it buzzing around the room, right behind Bishop on the Lime. Luxon is following in turn, singing ‘Bills’ by LunchMoney Lewis and chanting, mantra-like, I don’t know how to be any clearer, guys.
4pm
Christopher Luxon has just ruled out going into coalition with the National Party.
5pm
Mark Mitchell catches the drone in his teeth, chews for a minute, spits it out and grinds it into the carpet beneath his cowboy boot.
6pm
Christopher Luxon has the Uber app open. He is scrolling furiously searching for the NZDF King Air 350 option.
Darkness has come. Thomas Coughlan is typing.
