Esteemed poet Kelvin Davis (Image : Tina Tiller)
Esteemed poet Kelvin Davis (Image : Tina Tiller)

PoliticsOctober 19, 2020

The Blue Taniwha: an election night poem by Kelvin Davis

Esteemed poet Kelvin Davis (Image : Tina Tiller)
Esteemed poet Kelvin Davis (Image : Tina Tiller)

A special poem by Labour’s deputy leader Kelvin Davis, following in the tradition of political verse started by David Cunliffe.

A year ago I started a tale

A story with a chapter yet to unveil

Of a world of light and some pretty ugly taniwha

Of a guy called Kevin Davies

And a joke that’s gone too wide and too far

After that speech I had a few requests

To up my game I said I’d try my best

So you’ve probably guessed by now this speech will all rhyme

Apologies if it gets annoying but ten minutes is a long time

 

So, let’s begin where I ended

Taniwha descending on our land

To bring the world of hope and light to a cold dark blue end

The taniwhas they move closer and closer to the light

Marching in unison right not left just right

Until a man named Todd Muller yelled

“Why are we all following this Simon Bridges fella?”

“I’ll lead you”, he said 

“Nikki Kaye by my side”

Make me the leader of this blue taniwha pride

They voted

Todd won, with a majority of more than one

Just like his cap read he was ready to make New Zealand great again.

 

So, yeah that leader didn’t last long

Gone after the tenth week

The future of the blue taniwha pride looked pretty bleak

They needed another new leader

An upcoming star

Then someone yelled, “My husband’s from Samoa, so talofa”.

 

“Oh, I’ll be the leader, I’ll be the leader”, yelled Judy from the back

“I’ve waited 20 years for this moment I’ll get us back on track”

But taniwhas had doubts

They knew her leadership would take its toll

Given she refused to speak to them or share a single internal poll.

 

They all marched on anyway with very little hope

Down, down, down their slipper, slippery slope

On the other side of the world, where the light shines bright

Whaea Jacinda and her team wee ready for the fight.

 

Team, we have a plan

We know there is more work to do

We must not lose this world to the cold, dark blue

Let’s take on these taniwhas, we have battled strong, we will hit them where it hurts by proving what they say is factually wrong.

 

There will be three challenges that we will undertake

When we get to the battlefield I will need to call on all of my mates

But right now we must head out altogether let’s go and meet the taniwha so we can battle them toe-to-toe

The team of five million descended to see 

who would win the election battle of 2020.

 

The blue taniwhas reared their ugly heads

While the world of light gowned themselves in various shades of red

The first challenge was easy, a quick fire of sorts, 

each team had to pick a person who was good at reading financial reports

The master of coin Grant Robertson stepped up for the world of light

Judith pushed forward Paul Goldsmith and whispered, “You better get this one right”

The first question was put, “Add this up if you can”

“Three billion plus another four minus a billion, what is the cost of your plan?”

Goldy excited yelled, “I know I know pick me”

The answer is two billion he yelled with certainty

Grant smirked and said ‘Oh Goldie, not quite, you should have bought your calculator to this fiscal fight”

“You are four billion short, that’s a big hole, are you sure you’re up for the finance role?”

One mil to the world of light, the Red Sea cheered, the Red Sea cheered

The blue taniwhas whispered, “This is worse than we feared”

The next challenge would be tough and not for the faint hearted.

 

A kapa haka competition was about to get started

The world of light would go first, “Kia mau’, yelled Peeni

The team stood in perfect formation, all at the ready

“Tahi, rua, toru, whā”

“Te Aroha,” the blue taniwha shocked at the glorious sound knew there was very little hope of them winning this round

So Paul Goldsmith from Ngati Epsom thought he would give it a go

Starting a song he thought everyone would know

Oma rapati, oma rapati, oma rapati, oma oma oma.

No one in his team joined in

Not a single taniwha.

 

Two nil to the world of light

Was there a point in doing a final round?

Whaea Jacinda yelled, “Take nothing for granted, hold your ground”

The final battle was set between Whaea Jacinda and Judy

On the back foot you could feel the blue taniwha were moody

“Right team”, said Judy

“I know how to deal with this, I’m going to sneer and interrupt and call her Ms

That will put her off, you’ll all see by the end of this the winner will be me”

Gerry piped up, “Shouldn’t we say good stuff? Just being condescending and rude might not be enough”

“Shut up,” Judy lashed back at him, “I’m not here to make friends, I’m here to win”

Both leaders approached each other ready to debate

This would determine the world of light’s final fate

Whaea Jacinda armed with knowledge and fact

Judy obviously taking a very different tact

Whaea Jacinda’s team roared as they met face to face

She could feel the support for her team to remain in place

Judy turned to her blue taniwha pride to receive the same boost

But old Judys chicken had all come home to roost

All the taniwhas have vanished, gone, thrown it in

They all knew Judy was never going to win

“Where the hell is everyone, she screeched 

“I’m not done”

Simeon Brown squeaked, “I saw them follow Chris Luxton, the guy’s much more fun”

“But I was going to end the world of light,” she said

“And wear the crown”

Whaea Jacinda said, “Best you grab a cup of tea and have a little lie down”

The world of light was saved for another three years, the people rejoiced, the return of the blue darkness they no longer feared

So the story continues the world of light stays in place

Working hard to take care of New Zealanders all at great pace

Until the taniwha in three years time try once again to take over the world of light 

Which Labour will defend.

 

Let’s take a second to remember how this story started

With a tale of sorts that was meant to be light-hearted

In the beginning, before there was light

Nine long years of blue darkness rained like an endless night

Three years in the world of light still shines red and true

Three more years in the light imagine what we can all do.

 

Now, I can hear, I can already hear you asking

Is there a story number three?

I fear I will not be able to top all this rhyming you see

But I will try bring you yet another story of Whaea Jacinda and the Labour government’s triumphs and glory

For now this is where my story will stop with a final thank you to our Labour whanau, every one of you lot

For keeping us all in the world of light, for slaying the dark blue taniwhas who wanted to bring back the night

Enjoy this time all together as one because ladies and gentlemen

Our story, this story, is far from being done.

 

Na reira tātou mā, huri rauna, tēna koutou, tēnā koutou, kia ora tātou katoa. 

Keep going!
Photo: Getty Images
Photo: Getty Images

PoliticsOctober 19, 2020

12 giant questions still to be answered now the election is over

Photo: Getty Images
Photo: Getty Images

We know Jacinda Ardern will be the PM, but what else needs to get sorted out in the coming weeks? Alex Braae runs down the questions we’ll get answers to soon, along with a few that you might be wondering about.

The voters deliver the mandate, but then it’s up to the politicians to figure out what to do with it. Over the next couple of weeks they’ll be hard at work deciding who gets what jobs, and what sort of governing arrangements will be used.

Apart from that, the election result needs to be digested and processed. Party caucuses will be meeting for the first time today, and inside those rooms they’ll be thrashing a few issues out.

So what are the key questions that need answering from here? Here’s the top 12.

Does Labour govern alone, form a coalition, or some other arrangement?

The most pertinent point here is that Labour doesn’t need anyone else’s votes in parliament. No matter what they do from here, they have the numbers to pass bills and Budgets, which in practical terms is basically what governing involves.

However, they could also decide to bring either the Greens, or Māori Party MP Rawiri Waititi on board. This could either be through a formal coalition, a confidence and supply arrangement, or even just a memorandum of understanding. It seems highly likely that at a minimum an MOU will be signed with the Greens, who have also in the past made such deals with National governments to advance common policy interests. Waititi is less likely, as the Māori Party are effectively the opposition to Labour in the Māori electorates.

A formal coalition with the Greens hasn’t been ruled out by Jacinda Ardern, but she seems in no rush to push the idea. So far, her position has basically been that while it’s good to find consensus where possible, Labour has a mandate to govern alone if they choose to, and it would be best for governing arrangements to be straightforward.

There’s also the question of whether it would actually be in the Greens’ interests to make a close deal, or accept ministerial positions. Because they lack leverage on the numbers, it’s quite possible they’d only be offered shared glory on whatever Labour planned to do anyway – and Green MPs might in turn find themselves unable to criticise the government, or be caught in the spotlight for policy failures.

Does National roll Judith Collins or keep her in charge?

Short term? There’s very little chance Collins will be pushed out of the job in the next few weeks, and she has indicated a desire to stay on.

Longer term, that’s a much more open question. A few MPs are known to have leadership ambitions, like perennial challenger Mark Mitchell, or new Botany MP Christopher Luxon. At some stage either or both of them is almost certain to have a crack. But these sorts of thing don’t happen by themselves – there has to actually be a challenge mounted, and without that it’s very hard to see the National caucus simply deciding to get rid of Collins with a no-confidence motion.

What’s the future for Nick Smith and Gerry Brownlee?

Right now, Collins is not saying either way whether the two long-serving National MPs who lost seats should stick around as list MPs. She told Radio NZ that “they should make their own minds up on that” and “I’d absolutely be happy to support them if they chose to stay, if they choose not to – it’s entirely up to them.” That sort of answer was repeated on whether she personally wanted them to stay.

It’s not yet clear what that decision will be, and it might not be made immediately anyway. But with just nine list spots available, there might be pressure from the wider party for those to MPs to free them up for someone else. Conversely, there might also be concern that the party will lack potential ministerial talent if those two go.

Judith Collins and Gerry Brownlee speaking at their press conference (Getty Images)

What will the impact of special votes be?

We’ll find out how the overall votes are changed by special votes in just under two weeks. Basically, a special vote refers to anyone who cast a vote outside the normal practice of an enrolled voter going to a polling booth in their electorate. So these could be postal votes, or people who enrolled to vote on the same day they voted, or people who voted in another city to where they’re registered, or votes from overseas, among other reasons. And there’s a pretty massive number – so far the Electoral Commission has estimated there are around 480,000 special votes to count this year.

In broad terms, special votes tend to deliver a boost for Labour and the Greens, sometimes to the point of giving either or both an extra seat in parliament. Writing on Public Address, Graeme Edgeler estimated how the overall vote would change if the 2020 specials were roughly in line with 2017 – in this situation, Labour would gain a seat at the expense of National. However, the permutations about who will still be an MP after the final declaration is a bit tricky, because some electorate seats could still be decided on the specials, and that will have ripple effects.

Which electorates could still be decided on the specials?

The biggest change would be if Waiariki switched. On the preliminary results, it has been won by the Māori Party’s Rawiri Waititi, over Labour’s Tamati Coffey. But the margin is only 415 votes. If that did happen, the Māori Party would be out of parliament altogether. There’s also the distinctly unlikely possibility of the Māori Party winning enough party votes on the specials to bring in a list MP on Waititi’s coattails – if so, that would be co-leader Debbie Ngarewa-Packer.

Apart from that, there are a few seats with narrow margins. Shane Reti’s margin in Whangārei is very slim at just 164 votes, Chlöe Swarbrick only leads by 492 votes in Auckland Central, and Denise Lee is only 580 ahead in Maungakiekie.

Green Party candidate Chlöe Swarbrick speaks during the Greens Party Election Function at Grid X on October 17, 2020 in Auckland (Photo: Phil Walter/Getty Images)

When will we actually have a new government formed?

At this stage, the timetable is to have it done within two to three weeks.

What happened to the ‘wasted vote’?

Party votes cast for parties that don’t get enough to make it into parliament don’t get counted in the final arithmetic for allocating seats. They are set aside, as if they were never cast at all. This means that there are often slight distortions – parties that make it into parliament end up with a slightly larger share of seats than their party vote would indicate. For example, Labour has just over half the seats in parliament, and secured just under half of all party votes cast.

This time around, between 7-8% of all votes cast went to parties that didn’t end up making it in. If Waiariki flips and Rawiri Waititi loses, that will go up by another 1%. That’s relatively high – in 2017 it was less than 5%, and in 2014 it was under 7%.

What happens to the ministerial positions vacated by NZ First?

All of a sudden, Labour has some pretty big jobs to fill, and arguably doesn’t necessarily have MPs ready to step in at a moment’s notice. These include deputy PM, defence minister, foreign affairs minister, minister for Oranga Tamariki, forestry minister, infrastructure minister, regional economic development minister, racing minister, a few others, plus a bunch of associate ministerships and parliamentary under-secretary roles.

This list is of course the rundown of the jobs done by NZ First MPs over the last three years, in some cases quite capably and competently. Defence in particular will be tricky, as whoever gets the job will be following in the footsteps of an actual military veteran in Ron Mark.

The loss of NZ First might also mean Labour is more keen to work out some arrangement with the Greens. They had ministers outside cabinet in the last government, and may well do so again to fill holes that Labour can’t fill from their own ranks.

SHANE JONES (HAT), AND WINSTON PETERS IN FRONT OF THE NZ FIRST CAMPAIGN BUS. (PHOTO: HAYDEN DONNELL)

Who becomes deputy PM?

Theoretically, this shouldn’t be a question – Kelvin Davis is the deputy leader of the Labour party, and therefore should become deputy PM. But the thing about being deputy PM is that you might end up having to do quite a long stretch as acting PM – think about Winston Peters stepping in while Ardern was on maternity leave in 2018. The performance of Davis as a minister has been reasonably strong, but his performances in parliament and in front of media scrutiny have often been patchy and weak. And that’s a pretty crucial part of the job – to be able to look like everything’s under control while the deputy is minding the shop.

So who else could it be? The natural picks would be someone like finance minister Grant Robertson, fix-it minister Megan Woods, or everything minister Chris Hipkins. If a formal coalition is made with the Greens, it could be one of either James Shaw or Marama Davidson. The other longshot possibilities would be someone like Andrew Little or David Parker, but beyond that it’s hard to see a case for any candidate.

Speaking of Chris Hipkins, does he stay as health minister?

Some jobs are likely to be shuffled around quite a bit over the coming weeks. Hipkins took over health up until the election, but given his workload, it’s possible he’ll give up either health or education.

If it’s health, there are basically two leading candidates. Tāmaki Makaurau MP Peeni Henare is the current associate health minister, and has made no secret of his desire to step into the top job. The new Labour caucus also includes Dr Ayesha Verrall, an infectious diseases specialist and researcher. She also put significant work into strengthening the country’s Covid response this year, and has been a DHB member. That’s a lot of relevant on the job experience.

Does Winston Peters remain in charge of NZ First?

That’s probably up to Peters himself, and so far he’s given no indication that he’ll be stepping away. But it seems likely that the wider party wants to keep going and contest the next election, which means they’ll need a leader who can campaign hard. That could still be Peters – at 75, he still had enough stamina to get through this one. But will that still be the case in three years?

Of the MPs who are leaving parliament, the most likely options are deputy leader Fletcher Tabuteau, who has long been close with Peters, outgoing defence minister Ron Mark, outgoing minister for children Tracey Martin, or outgoing regional economic development minister Shane Jones. But the key words there are ‘outgoing’ – will all of them still be up for another go in 2023, and for the long slog that awaits them outside parliament this term?

Do we have to keep caring about politics now that the election is over?

Afraid so – now the real work for the politicians begins.