Alex Casey and Tara Ward assemble a list of demands for James Meager, the first minister for the South Island. 

South Islanders, rejoice, for there is now one man dedicated to ensuring that each and every 1,260,000 of us has our voices heard in parliament. This week Rangitata MP James Meager was appointed the minister for the South Island, a position that had only been previously held in an unofficial capacity by the ghost of Shrek the Sheep. “[I was] a little bit surprised but very excited to take on the new roles,” Meager told RNZ, who also reported he received news of the promotion while enjoying the Black Clash cricket match in Christchurch.

“I’m always going to wear my colours on my sleeve as a parochial advocate for Mid and South Canterbury, but it is a South Island-wide focus.”

And it’s about time that the South Island got some love. It’s estimated to cost $110,000 each day that the government faffs around over whether they’ll honour their election promise and finish building Dunedin Hospital, and South Islanders are growing increasingly tetchy at the fragility of the ferry link between the North and South Islands. It seems we’re missing out on our fair share of transport funding too, despite the South Island’s population growing faster than the North’s and our businesses punching above their weight in terms of economic growth. 

No doubt James Meager will be able to sort this stuff out quickly, given it doesn’t get dark in some parts of Te Wai Pounamu and Rakiura until 11pm in summer. And once he’s sussed all of that, here are some other pressing issues we’d like urgently addressed by our new minister. 

Transport

Immediately introduce right turn arrows to traffic lights in Christchurch.

Make me drive past Oamaru’s Rainbow lolly factory shop at least once without stopping for 1kg bags of tiny chocolate fish, I do not need them.

Bring back the Southerner train with mandatory murder mystery.

Introduce a national public holiday in honour of Invercargill’s marvellously wide streets.

Make this free boat in the Havelock Marina the new Interislander.

Economy

Help the old man in Birdlings Flat sell his gemstone collection.

Put a price freeze on cheese rolls, it’s just a rolled up piece of sandwich bread.

Put a price freeze on $2 rice because it is the only thing anyone can afford.

Give all South Islanders one free flight anywhere in the country each year.

Inquiry into price gouging at Cookie Time factory store.

Mandate entire South Island to check their ceiling cavities for cash, just in case.

Environment

Sort out the crap summer.

But also: convince everyone that the weather is not that bad down here.

Tell off the seagulls that dive bomb the cafes on Dunedin’s Lower Stuart Street. 

Stop the eels in the Avon eating mince because it gives me the ick.

Make every South Island walk a Great Walk even if it is just down to the dairy.

Paid mental health leave for Cantabrians whenever a nor-wester is blowing.

Education

Hold urgent press conference in Christchurch regarding which school you went to.

Introduce one school uniform for the entire South Island (also to be used as army uniform for when we inevitably become a republic).

Make a definitive linguistic ruling on when a “bach” becomes a “crib”.

Mandate a compulsory online learning programme that teaches every North Islander how to roll their rrrrr’s correctly. 

Put the Christchurch Wizard in detention for calling himself a chick magnet etc.

Inquiry into whether there are more places in the South Island other than just “the deep south” and “the mainland”.

Arts & Culture

Mandate a single restaurant to stay open later than 9pm.

Seek official apology from Blink 182 for wronging Christchurch.

Give Dimitris from Dimitris’ an OBE.

Erect a statue of Mike Puru in Gore.

Set up an emergency alert system for when AFG is open.