Alex Casey recaps the last two months of kitchen nightmares. 

In October last year, David Seymour launched his revamped school lunch programme. At a cost of $3 per meal and reportedly set to save $130 million a year, the meal options included chickpea curry, butter chicken, “Tex-Mex” beans and rice, and beef rissoles, all served in “beautiful thermal containers”. Wolfing down the samples, Seymour said “that is so good, really good, seriously good food,” rating them a 9.5/10 because “you can always improve”. 

But since the programme began in schools, there’s been a near-constant barrage of negative headlines about meals arriving late or not at all, cold, leaking, mislabelled, and destined for the bin. The NZ Principals’ Federation has urged Seymour to scrap the system, Carmel Sepuloni has called on him to be sacked over the “shambles” and a ministry of education nutritionist has spoken out about the “litany of issues” with the programme.

Interviewed on Checkpoint last night, Seymour said that the “perceived quality problem” would continue to improve over time. “You need to have a reality check here,” he said. “These are free meals being paid for by the taxpayer.” He added that the meals were “very good according to many of the people receiving them” but would not be drawn on specifics. He also admitted “there have been some challenges, which we have a track record of overcoming”. 

Hungry to know more about said challenges? Here’s a piping hot recap that we prepared earlier. 

A is for apples and muesli bars, which Kaitao Intermediate principal Phil Palfrey spent $530 on to feed hungry students when their lunches arrived hours late last month in Rotorua. The same week, Rotorua Intermediate School had their lunches arrive at 2.30pm, just before the end-of-day bell rang at 2.45pm.

B is for butter chicken, which Lincoln Heights School received for 11 days straight as their sole lunch option this month. “The kids are over it, the staff are over trying to get our kids to eat,” said principal Leisha Brynes. “I think what’s breaking our hearts is we know that a number of these children actually need to eat the lunch.”

C is for “chewed and spat it back into the container,” how Kelston Boys’ High School principal Adeline Blair described the aesthetic of their recent lunch deliveries from Pita Pit. “It was not the most appealing to the eye.” 

D is for “dog food”, a comparison made by Auckland Primary Principals’ Association president Kyle Brewerton. “The quality was sort of being touted [last year] as something that was going to be quite nutritious and delicious, and we haven’t experienced that yet.”

E is for energy, or lack thereof. A nutrition expert told RNZ that kids were getting just 11 or 12 percent of their total energy needs from the school lunches, whereas the old lunches provided “about twice that, about 20 percent.”

F is for frozen fish pies made by Watties and served to students without the label. 

G is for gross, how intermediate student Naki opened his scathing assessment of the “gross, stale, soggy, dry and tasting yuck” school lunches.

H is for ham, found in all 450 “halal friendly” mac and cheese meals delivered to Papatoetoe Intermediate last week and therefore unable to be eaten by the Muslim students.

I is for “inedible”, how the Principal of Lincoln Heights Primary School Leisha Byrnes described a curry which “no children could eat” due to it containing an ingredient that starts with… 

J is for jalapenos, the famously hot chili pepper used in the aforementioned curry which Byrnes described as “not overly child friendly”. 300 of the 500 spicy lunches were left uneaten.

K is for Kamo Intermediate staff who, after only receiving half of their order last week, had to go to the local bakery to buy sandwiches for the kids who missed out on lunch. 

L is for “leaked all over each other” which is how the school lunches arrived at Whangarei Intermediate School this week, resulting in them being thrown out for fear of allergies.

M is for MPI, who are now investigating a complaint about the mislabelling of meals meant for those with special dietary requirements – including allergies. 

N is for nutrition expert Boyd Swinburn, who told RNZ that “it’s clear from what we do know that the lunch is a pale comparison compared to what has been available before.”

O is for oxygen, one aggrieved student’s preferred meal instead of “eating something over and over again”.

P is for Pita Pit, which is currently being used as a stopgap in Auckland and delivering around 10,000 meals to 15 schools. “It’s not Pita Pit as you would recognise it at a Pita Pit shop,” said one principal. “It’s awful. It’s awful.”

Q is for queasy, a feeling expressed by Te Ōraka Shirley Intermediate student Nistassia to Chris Hipkins earlier this week. “The new meals often make me feel sick. Sometimes they’re cold and watery, and there’s no morning tea.”

R is for the receptionist at Massey Primary School, who currently spends two hours a day sorting over 500 lunches into separate containers for each class. 

S is for seymourslop.nz, a local website wholly dedicated to “cataloguing some of the Crimes against Cooking that David Seymour has forced upon an unsuspecting education sector.”

T is for “two bits of thick white bread with the same sloppy mixture inside”, how Aorere College principal Leanne Webb described a recent offering from Pita Pit. “As a society, we need to ask ourselves, is it acceptable to be producing poor quality food?” she told RNZ. 

U is for untouched, the state that 350 meals were left in at Massey Primary School last week. “I think naturally none of us eat the same thing for lunch seven days in a row, the novelty is wearing off,” school administrator Karen told RNZ.

V is for vegan meal, a label wrongly applied to lunches containing beef mince and delivered to vegan and vegetarian students at Spotswood College this week. 

W is for woke food, including quinoa and sushi and many more foods that we kindly listed under David Seymour’s robust classification methods. 

X is for X, the social media platform on which David Seymour posted that “The school lunch programme isn’t about a gourmet, taxpayer-funded meal. It’s a simple, nutritious lunch to ensure hungry kids are fed.” 

Y is for yuck, how one child described their macaroni cheese that they thought initially thought was mashed potatoes. “I normally try to not waste food but when I tasted it, it was just so bland,” their parent confirmed.   

Z is for zero, the number of lunches delivered to the 1000-strong student body at De La Salle School due to a technical issue earlier this month.