The future deputy prime minister revealed the new $3 school lunch options today. But which meal is the best, and which do Act MPs think is too woke?
Parliament’s banquet hall isn’t actually used for banquets very often. But today, there was a rare banquet on offer, consisting of meals that would soon be rolled out to primary schools across the country. Act leader and future deputy prime minister David Seymour, who had spent years decrying school lunches as too expensive and too woke, was chuffed to bits to show off the new meals the government had arranged through private suppliers. He said the new lunches would cost $3 each, saving the government $130m annually.
At the front of the room were two pull-up banners with the logos of all the food brands and suppliers who had contributed to the programme. With great intentionality, a selection of small metal containers was placed on the table, surrounded by a pile of muesli bars, par-baked dinner rolls, and some slices.
There was something vaguely unnerving about the whole presentation. It was visually recognisable as food, but there was a certain uncanny valley aspect to it all. It looked fake. Maybe it was just the odd juxtaposition of aesthetic plating with such basic children’s food. On the first whiff, the lunches didn’t smell like anything. With an even closer sniff, there was a hint of sourness, like they had been sitting out too long. Which they almost certainly had.
The room was filled with ministry staff, food company executives, journalists, and Act MPs. Seymour’s speech was less of an announcement than a victory lap for his own policy. “We achieved what many people did not believe was possible,” he said. “It’s an extraordinary achievement”. He handed out three large bouquets to people who had worked on the project.
As he moved from the podium, the catering staff brought out a selection of four meals to sample. Thankfully, these were heated and smelled like food.
The chickpea curry with turmeric rice was creamy and coconutty. The chickpeas had been slow-cooked into a pleasant mush, almost matching the consistency of the pumpkin chunks. The sauce brought out some subtle but interesting flavours while maintaining a net-zero spice rating.
The butter chicken was forgettable but fine. It was undeniably a butter chicken, with a creamy orange sauce and some chunks of white meat that wasn’t too tough. I wouldn’t pay for it at a restaurant, but I’ve had much worse in my years of flatting.
The Tex Mex mince beef and beans mostly tasted of cheese sauce. It was warm and hearty, a rich meaty mess with an occasional pop of sweetness from the corn and capsicum. Once again, nothing that could be remotely described as spice.
The beef rissoles with mash were the standout. The rissoles were so soft they barely held their form and were slathered in a thick barbecue sauce gravy. The potato and carrots were mashed into a soft and sloppy substance with plenty of butter. It was beautiful sloppy comfort food. It’s a hard meal to mess up, and to the chef’s credit, they didn’t.
None of the food is going to set the culinary world on fire, but it was decent. If I were served one of the metal trays (“beautiful thermal containers” as one ministry official scribed them) on an aeroplane, I wouldn’t complain. I’ve had better on Air New Zealand and worse on Jetstar. While tasting the food in front of a crowded cluster of cameras, Seymour did his best to ham it up, moaning in delight at every mouthful. “That is so good, really good, seriously good food,” he said. He rated it a 9.5 out of 10 because “you can always improve”.
The question on everyone’s mind was: which meal was the wokest? Seymour pretended not to understand the question. “Woke? I think I meant awake, these meals will keep the kids awake and ready to learn.” Act’s arts spokesperson Todd Stephenson, who famously once watched a musical, enjoyed the cultural delights of a butter chicken. He said none of the foods were too woke for him. “I have a broad palate.” Andrew Hoggard, the associate minister of agriculture and former president of Federated Farmers, said the chickpea curry was the wokest. “I think my daughter might turn up her nose at that”.