Alex Casey delivers her first power rankings for The Traitors NZ, including a wig reveal and a shock banishment.
Gather round chickadees, lieblings, darlings and “complete strangers” who have almost definitely shared Ubers home from SPQR before. The Traitors NZ has arrived in all its dastardly, murderous glory, helmed by Paul Henry who appears to own just as many hats as he does public cancellations. If you are new to this reality format, welcome, this is a televised murder mystery game where grown adults dress up in cloaks and cry a lot for cash.
Before we get into the rankings, we’ve got as much bonus Traitors content hidden around the place as Paul Henry does silver coins in his lounge. You can read a format explainer here, a cast introduction here, and a review of the first episode here. And, if you are truly Faithful, Jane Yee, Duncan Grieve and yours truly are recapping the show over on The Real Pod, so make sure you sign up to our Substack for weekly podcasts and a bunch of other gossipy goodies.
Without further ado, here’s how the Traitors and Faithfuls alike are sitting after week one.
TOOK THE MONEY AND RAN: Sam Fury
In the words of Taylor Swift, the jokes weren’t funny, he took the money. Online gamer Sam instilled a deep sense of fury in his fellow competitors as the only person smart enough to realise that giving up your place in the game for $10k, one seventh of the total prize pool, might be a good move. God’s speed Mr Fury, I hope you got to keep the plinth too.
BANISHED: Loryn Reynolds (Traitor)
Dancer Loryn sadly couldn’t paso doble her way out of some curly questions from her suspicious competitors. “Who are you going to murder tonight?” asked Colin, to which she confidently released a high-pitched squeal. Even Sam Smith, who, in a charming New Zealand connection, used to get a ride home from Loryn after Dancing With the Stars, admitted that something about his friend had changed overnight. The group voted to banish her, and the first Traitor was dropped quicker than a sequin-clad woman in the arms of Rodney Hide.
ELIMINATED: Kimberley Stewart (Faithful)
The Traitors sensed murder the second that psychic Kimberley threatened to reveal the names that the spirits were sending her way (normal). For what it’s worth, her strongest “yucky” feeling was about Robbie, who wasn’t a Traitor in the slightest. She was murdered on night one and, in the words of Brooke Howard-Smith, did not appear to see it coming.
16. Christen Oliveira (Faithful)
This show requires those with only the sharpest perception to be constantly on high alert, decoding and dissecting their surroundings at all times. “What’s this called officially?” Christen asked, holding up a small, curious object. “Chalk,” Fili replied.
15. Brodie Kane (Faithful)
This show requires those with only the sharpest perception to be constantly on high alert, decoding and dissecting their surroundings at all times. “Look,” said Brodie Kane as the group filed into the lodge for the first time, “a horse.”
14. Brooke Howard-Smith (Faithful)
The main strategy from this former television presenter turned NFT entrepreneur appears to be wearing 400,000 layers of clothing at all times. T-shirt, shirt, coat, hat and sunglasses in the blazing sun? I’ll have whatever NFT (Neverending Fashion Thickness) he’s having!
13. Fili Tapa (Faithful)
If his in-depth knowledge of chalk is anything to go by, we could have an absolute genius on our hands. IT consultant Fili is flying under the radar for now, but you know what they always use to outline dead bodies in crime movies? Chalk. I’ll just let you sit with that.
12. Dylan Reeve (Faithful)
Writer and journalist Dylan Reeve wrote extensively about conspiracy theories and online rabbit holes for The Spinoff during our IRL series, and has since written a whole book on the stuff. Could it be a blessing or a curse that the entire group already knows he has basically made his name sniffing out shysters? These are the questions that keep me awake at night.
11. Darth Vanda (Faithful)
A crime novelist in a murder mystery competition is a stroke of genius, and I have high hopes that Vanda might be one to cross over to the dark side deeper into the game. The fact that Colin Mathura-Jeffree has already given her a nickname means she should probably either already be in jail or be the prime minister.
10. Kings (Faithful)
One of the most faithful to ever faithful. “My mum taught me not to lie to people,” he shyly told Paul Henry. “Your mum’s not here,” Henry sneered back. If he can survive that sort of goading from a gin baron and still stay true to himself, I “don’t worry ‘bout” Kings’ longevity here.
9. Julia Vahry (Faithful)
She👏was👏a👏cop👏for👏a👏decade👏don’t👏underestimate👏her👏
8. Anna Reeve (Faithful)
Another Faithful so pure of heart that she immediately confessed that she was wearing a wig in the event that people would find it deceitful later in the game. Pro tip: the only person who can ever get away with asking a stranger “Want to see my pumpkin pie trick? Then close your eyes” is Anna Reeve. If anyone else does it, immediately call the police (0800 HELP ME JULIA).
7. Mike Puru (Faithful)
The man can sell absolutely anything to anyone, and is already picking up on a fair few slip-ups and tells from his fellow housemates. “My ex would say I’m a pretty good liar,” he cackled at the cocktail party, an invisible pair of Slap Sees wrapping around his head.
6. Dan Sing (Traitor)
If I was a professional poker player going onto a show built around bluffing, I would simply pretend to do anything else for a job. As a Traitor Dan has tried to keep things chill and low profile, but Detective Justine Smith is already onto him and that is simply not what you want in week one. It was also pretty traitorous when he whacked the pool ball straight into the crotch of Brooke Howard-Smith, but thankfully his pal was wearing 23 pairs of jeans so didn’t feel a thing.
5. Sam Smith (Faithful)
You gotta respect someone who openly admits to using their legal blindness to their advantage to get ahead in a murder mystery reality show. That, plus the fact that he had no problems backstabbing his closest pal Loryn, plus the fact that she’s now gone so he doesn’t have a ride home, means that Sam Smith could well be lurking around for an “unholy” amount of time.
4. Matt Heath (Traitor)
That unwavering Cheshire cat grin plastered across Matt Heath’s face might make him either the best or worst Traitor in all of human history. For now, I’m choosing to see his boyish charms – “I’m just going to act like an idiot” – as a huge advantage. You catch more flies with honey, and Matt Health somehow gets away with saying “let’s kill her” on national television because it is delivered with a big friendly smile. Affable, chilling, disconcerting.
3. Robbie Bell (Faithful)
“I plan on being too drunk to murder tonight”, the hairdresser and Mum of four roared at the first cocktail party. Later, when contestants had to dump a vial of green liquid (absinthe?) in the drink of their biggest suspect, Robbie’s martini glass was left certified Shrek. “I’m just a middle-aged mother of four from the suburbs”, she protested between sips. An incredible character that I hope will prove in time that you should never, ever, doubt the social prowess of a hairdresser.
2. Colin Mathura-Jeffree (Faithful)
He’s worn a meat dress, sat in a giant lotus flower and stood by an elephant, but it truly feels like Colin Mathura-Jeffree was made to be on The Traitors NZ. He’s a quote machine (“What does a predator do? They hide in plain sight like a tiger”), his piercing eyes never stop darting, and he has already served some truly dazzling outfits in just two short episodes. Has he been absolutely wrong with every guess so far? Yes. Will he rank in the top three all season? Yes.
1. Justine Smith (Faithful)
Of all the people who say they are here to play the game, Justine Smith is the one that I believe the most. She revealed she’s keen to indulge her evil Scorpio side but, after not getting chosen to be a Traitor, has proven herself to be the most switched-on Faithful of the lot. She’s accurately identified all three Traitors already, so the big question now is whether or not that makes her their next target for murder. Guess we’ll find out next week, lieblings.
HONOURABLE MENTIONS
This takeaway coffee cup:
“You’re murdered” – the celebrities to Mother Earth
This botched wallpaper job:
Did Robbie do this after her pint of absinthe? Makes you think.
Watch The Traitors NZ Mondays and Tuesdays 7.30pm on Three, or on Three Now.
For extra Traitors NZ talk (and much more), follow The Real Pod on Substack!