Alex Casey power ranks week two of The Traitors NZ, in which Paul Henry has a sad birthday and another traitor is unmasked in record time. 

It doesn’t take long, does it? Two weeks in and we’ve already had tears, yelling, finger pointing and Paul Henry sitting alone in a wicker chair on his birthday. The game is well and truly afoot as our celebrities and normies alike stared daggers at each other, whispered quietly into their wine glasses and made gargantuan assessments about someone’s entire character based on the most minuscule of movements, or lack thereof (note to self: never slump in a chair a la Puru). 

We also had yet another traitor sniffed out and banished, which is either a huge worry for the future of the show or a shining example of “do something new New Zealand” Kiwi innovation. I’m no math genius but if the show keeps losing this many Traitors, production might have to lock all the doors, make everyone do the Macarena until they collapse, and call it Dancing With the Stars NZ. And you know what? I would watch the hell out of that too. On to the rankings!

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MURDERED: Christen Oliveira (faithful)

In the poignant words of Paul Henry, “oh dear, oh dear, oh dear”. Oliveira may have her own beautiful range of festive ‘Chritenmas’ candles, but her time on the show was snuffed out by the Traitors this week. RIP to this Christenmas Candle in the Wind. 

BANISHED: Mike Puru (faithful)

For a group of “complete strangers” it really seems like half of the cast have flatted with Mike Puru at some point. “You introduced me to my wife,” said Brooke Howard-Smith. “You’re a good friend of mine and I’ve known you for years,” said Brodie Kane. “You are the mother I never had, the sister everybody would want, I don’t know a better person,” said Paul Henry, probably. 

Despite all of them likely having a timeshare in the same Pauanui bach, Puru was absolutely shafted by his besties this week and accused of being a traitor, all because he slumped down in his seat after Loryn’s elimination. See you on the “flipside” my sweet slumping prince, may your McChickens forever be salmonella free and your sunglasses always be slapping.

BANISHED: Matt Heath (traitor)

The bumbling professor lost his tenure this week, which we probably should have seen coming after he showed up to breakfast in his pyjamas. Sure, it was under the guise of a Brooke Howard-Smith loyalty test, but then he just… kept… wearing… his pyjamas? Nervous breakdown recognise nervous breakdown, and rocking the day ‘jama is a cry for help unlike any other. 

As the rubber hit the road, Heath’s giant dopey grin faded to a panicked grimace. His leg shook uncontrollably as Brodie and Anna probed him for answers, and ultimately he wasn’t able to keep up his traitorous facade under pressure at the roundtable. “I was a traitor… SEE YOU IN HELL!!!” Heath screamed as he exited the roundtable. Just a calm, normal show.

13) Kings (faithful)

We haven’t encountered a member of the royal family so disinterested in drama and pageantry since Zara Tindall fell asleep at King Charles’s coronation. Respect. 

12) Robbie Bell (faithful) 

In a sea of slick and glamorous celebrities and shysters, we can all learn a thing or two from Robbie Bell. Mostly that, when the chips are down, simply walk around pointing out beer bottles in a challenge and hope nobody notices. 

11) Brooke Howard-Smith (traitor, nee faithful)

The former Target host found himself the target of the traitors this week, and gleefully accepted their offer to join them on the dark side. “I’ve got a secret,” he said. “I have to do a really good job of not stuffing this up today.” Within mere seconds of arriving at breakfast, he did an exceptional job of very nearly stuffing it up. Good luck and godspeed to this man. 

I truly haven’t seen someone so close to jeopardising their future over breakfast since, well, Paul Henry was on Breakfast. 

10) Julia Vahry (faithful)

The former police officer came under fire at the roundtable this week and was forced to defend her honour: “You’re going to look really fooled and egg on your face,” she said. Case closed, although egg can actually be beautiful for the face when the mood is right. 

9) Dylan Reeve (faithful) 

Not overly “tickled” by Reeve leading the crusade against poor old slouchy Mike Puru this week. That, and a deft bit of breadcrumbing at the roundtable by Dan could well have him on the chopping block some time soon. Fear no death indeed. 

8) Justine Smith (faithful) 

A quieter week for Justine Smith, but she was still the first person to correctly assert that a traitor must have voted for Loryn, and remains the only person to have accurately guessed that poker player Dan might be a traitor. Special agent Smith sees all. 

7) Fili Tapa (faithful)

Fili started playing the game this week when he threw out Robbie’s name during the roundtable, alleging that she approached him about a mystery pact during the challenge. From where I’m sitting the woman has far too many beer bottles to count to be starting pacts, but OK. 

6) Sam Smith (faithful)

Nobody seems to be having more fun cruising around the lodge than Sam Smith. He was the only contestant to correctly spot two switched out objects in Paul Henry’s Poltergeist Challenge despite being legally blind, and celebrated by noshing down on a whole bunch of grapes and croissants by the fistful. Who needs silver when you have continental breakfast!!!

5) Anna Reeve (faithful)

She is starting to ask a lot of questions of all the right people and nearly dismantled Brooke Howard-Smith’s game with one simple comment! All while turning out incredible new wigs and outfits every single day?!?! We’re not worthy. 

4) Colin Mathura-Jeffree (faithful)

A thought leader who should inspire each and every one of us to start all our sentences with: “I thought this morning, while I was shaving my ears, that…” Also, the below should be an image of national significance. New flag? New money? I’ll let you decide. 

3) Darth Vanda (faithful)

She had her head above the parapet after not voting for Loryn, but Vanda pulled it out of the bag at the roundtable with some heartfelt tears, and then a staunch of defence of Mike Puru, who of course later turned out to be a faithful. She strikes me as a dyed-in-the-wool faithful who could go to the end but, as Darth Vader said, you don’t know the power of the dark side. 

2) Brodie Kane (faithful) 

Brodie stepped into her potency this week after realising that she had followed the pack in voting for poor old slouchy Mike Puru, becoming laser-focused on Matt Heath, who crumbled under her questioning faster than you can say “beer and pie July”. She is also the only known life force strong enough to stand up to Colin Mathura-Jeffree, which probably deserves a purple heart medal. Alas, she now has a massive target on her back, but I believe in Brodie Kane. 

1) Dan Sing (traitor)

This man is not playing poker. This man is not even playing chess. This man is doing a 3D puzzle of the London Eye, while folding a fitted sheet, while doing the Wordle in one go. Not only has he managed to stay off everyone’s radar apart from Justine Smith’s, Dan also saw an opportunity during the roundtable to seed doubt around Dylan, potentially setting the scene for next week’s suspect. ALSO he wore a bloody Los Pollos Hermanos T-shirt! An ode to one of television’s greatest villains of all time, right there in everyone’s FACES while he was ACTIVELY directing their gaze away from him!!! Genius. 

Watch The Traitors NZ on Monday and Tuesday nights at 7.30pm on Three, or on ThreeNow.

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