Tara Ward power ranks week three of The Traitors NZ.
Welcome back to the brouhaha, my pretties, as we settle in to relive another delectable week of drama on The Traitors NZ. We walked in the valley of the shadow of death once again, and found ourselves face to face with a box full of rat traps and hairy meat, a pathetically blunt knife, a hearty Big Mac combo and one mission that appeared to take place somewhere in the Somme. Hearts were broken, tempers flared and last week’s floppy sheep lungs came back to bite one player in the butt. It was truly, truly offal.
It was a game of two halves for the faithfuls this week, and while they did successfully expose a traitor, they mostly confirmed they still have no idea what they’re doing. The prize fund continues to grow, but so does their deathly sense of despair. “Sucks to be you,” Paul Henry told the players after they banished yet another faithful. But exactly how much suck was involved? Let’s jam our filthy wee trotters into this ripe old ranking and find out.
MURDERED: Brianna (faithful)
After last week’s award-winning performance, Brianna was dead and buried long before she put her wedding planner paws on that murderous piece of paper. The traitors chose to kill Brianna before she could convince the others that she was faithful and , according to Paul Henry as he whacked her photo off the wall the next morning, all that was left was “Brie’s breeze”. Waft long and waft hard, my queen.
BANISHED: Whitney (traitor)
A huge win for the faithful, although Whitney’s fate was sealed the moment the Central Otago undertaker mistook a cow’s lung for a pig’s trotter. It was all traitor Mike needed to convince his fellow players that Whitney was a liar and a traitor, and once he pointed his hoof in Whitney’s direction, the other sheep followed. Despite wearing a lovely headband and cape combo during the blindside, Whitney forgot the cardinal rule of this game: never trust a traitor. Or a trotter.
MURDERED: Brittany (faithful)
The law states that when one trotter falls, a TikToker must follow. “I”m not surprised by this, they took out the strongest faithful,” Brittany said when she was murdered. “She was too good,” Bailey declared at breakfast. “Why? Why?” Stephen asked the group. Shush, Stephen! Stop asking such revealing questions! It’ll only get you in tro–
BANISHED: Stephen (faithful)
As the man himself would say, poor Stephen was “side-blinded” from every side and blind this week. After he committed the unforgivable sin of waiting 0.5 seconds to consider his options during a mission, his fellow circus clowns decided that was evidence of some clear-cut, non-negotiable traitorous behaviour.
Please tip Stephen’s “feck off, I’m retired” cap for the way he dropped the ultimate guilt bomb moments before he was banished: “I am honest as the day is long. I am a loyal person to my family and friends, and you are my whānau. I am a faithful.”
Also, I formally request that those votes be recounted immediately due to several people spoiling their ballot paper:
13) Mark (faithful)
It cuts me deeper than a blunt knife rubbing on a flimsy rope to put old mate Mark in last place, but he had a shocker of a week. He might be a game master in the real world, but Mark managed to piss almost everyone off inside the manor. Can he redeem himself and live to fight another day? Paul Henry’s dog says: yes.
12) Molly (faithful)
In this game of toxic pauses and sinister side-blinds, Molly continues to be a shining light of positivity. I say run for your lives.
11) Noel (faithful)
“I’ve been under the microscope so much I feel like a petri dish,” Noel announced after surviving two tense banishments, only to get locked in a box while his teammates put their hands into tubs of hairy meat to get him out. Noel also kept punching the air a lot, like he was a boxer? A boxer in a petri dish? A boxer in a petri dish in a box at the beach? Makes you think.
10) Ben (faithful)
Said little, did even less. Possibly stuck in Noel’s petri dish.
9) Donna (faithful)
Donna began the week with a hiss and a roar, declaring that she’d vote for whoever entered the breakfast room last. It’s a batshit approach to the game, but given the faithful have been voting out people based on how long they take to think, this cunning approach might actually start getting them some results?
8) Joe (faithful)
Just a man, in a box, asking the faithfuls to love him.
7) Cat (faithful)
Cross Cat at your peril (Mark), because this is one player who does not need to be told how to play the game. Yes, she might have been 100% sure that Stephen was a traitor, and yes, she’s also 100% sure Mark is a traitor, but what’s a few wrong guesses between friends?
6) Jason (faithful)
Whitney may have her cape and headband, but what a power move from Jason to bring out his lucky vest. Given he’s still alive and kicking, it’s clearly the power of science/fate/fluro at play.
5) Siale (faithful)
The Dunedin teacher had to get grumpy with the kids again, and at this rate Principal Henry is going to have to put everyone in detention and ring their parents. “This conversation? That’s what needs to happen here!” Siale grumbled after the roundtable, before clapping his hands in a jaunty beat and telling everyone to put their chairs away.
4) Bailey (faithful)
Bailey suspects Mike big time. Mike suspects Bailey big time! Where will this battle end? Probably in that haunted room full of dolls with no eyes or pants.
3) Jane (traitor)
Call the police, we need to report a crime. This week former police officer Jane displayed an alarming lack of driver awareness when she drove home from the challenge with only one hand on the wheel. The other was busy holding a Big Mac, which she scoffed down in record time. Toot toot, Officer Jane! Hands at 10 to 2, Officer Jane! A Highway Patrol crossover episode is the last thing we need right now.
2) Utah (faithful)
Utah is the only faithful who appears to be playing the long game, moving slowly and quietly with his eye firmly locked on suspected traitor Mike. Not only is Utah building a secret army with Jason and Siale, but they’re allocating each player a special code-name. Bob the Builder (aka Mike, but also the annoying animated character who in my experience managed to fix sweet fuck all) should watch his back.
1) Mike (traitor)
Mike was so terrifying during Whitney’s banishing that I immediately banished myself from my own game without anyone even asking me to. Happy to help, Mike! Have a great weekend, Mike! No worries if not, Mike!