Alex Casey power ranks the sixth and final week of Celebrity Treasure Island 2024.
We’ve come to the end of another season of CTI, and what have we learned? We’ve learned that Bubbah reps Tony’s Steakhouse harder than any other human on planet Earth. We’ve learned that Christian Cullen is a sullen superstar. We’ve learned that any agonising situation can be overcome with a humble song. We’ve learned to look at this photograph, and every time we do it makes us laugh (or cry because we accidentally left it back in the love shack).
We also learned that JP Foliaki is the winner of Celebrity Treasure Island. Red, White and Brass? More like Red, White and Gold! Although he had a quiet beginning, the uber-charismatic and endlessly funny multi-hyphenate provided the bulk of the sassy narration this season. When it came to his competitors, he said he would simply hit them with a shovel and run away. When it came to the multiple plot twists in the middle of the game, he simply said this: “plot twist.”
And now, Foliaki has pulled off the biggest plot twist of all, proudly repping Tonga and South Auckland all the way to the $100K finish line for his charity Child Fund. Here’s how it went down.
ELIMINATED: Duncan Garner
Duncan Garner might take the entire cake for most incredible televised transformation this season (and absolutely “hoof” the damn thing, for that matter). “People always told me not to go, so I decided to go,” the broadcaster grinned, reflecting on his decision to come on the show. “It’s a detox in life, social media, internet, this game brings you right back to the basics of life.” My kingdom for even a modicum of this level of inner harmony and peace.
Alas, the peace wasn’t entirely to last. Garner got snaked by a sandbag snake in the group challenge, which saw him facing off against Millen Baird and JP in the “hang-off-a-rope-in-the-ice-cold-drink” challenge. “Three of us in there, two of us go home, it’s as simple as that, simple maths,” he said. If E=mc squared then trouble=Millen Baird, as the long-limbed actor soon outlasted Garner and the Story host plunged into the water first.
It was an emotional exit, but Garner revealed that he felt closer to his late father – and closer to himself – after his time on the island. Perhaps the real treasure… was inside us all along.
ELIMINATED: Millen Baird
He started the week saying “it would be my pleasure to find this treasure”, but Baird sadly had to walk his javelin legs all the way home on Monday night. After hanging on for dear life to a rope above freezing waters alongside JP Foliaki, Millsy also “did a Garner” and plunged into the icy depths. He also “did a Garner” and ended his journey with some poignant self-reflection. “I’ve learned to love all my flaws and all my strengths,” he said. “I think I’ll come away from this a complete person.” An Outward Bound story indeed, complete with bonus beach boy band shot.
ELIMINATED: Bubbah
“You don’t know: I’m good at stuff,” Bubbah cackled at the start of the week, in the understatement of the century. Coming into the final days with two strong alliances, the “hood princess” of Tony’s Steakhouse was sitting pretty until she was forced to face off against her own grandfather (Christian Cullen) in the most high stakes game of wobbly dominos ever committed to the silver screen. God this was tense.
After nearly completing the full stack of dominos, Bubbah ducked under the plank they were sitting on, which of course knocked them over. It seemed like Cully had it in the bag, until he also knocked his over. So it went back and forth for about 45 minutes, until finally Cully triumphed in a bittersweet win over the people’s princess. “Don’t cry,” he whispered, hugging her in their final moments on the show together. Too late for me Cully, too late for me.
RUNNER-UP: James Rolleston
What a remarkable journey for the boy from Boy. You can’t help but feel like James won a prize just as important as the cold hard cash as he revealed, week after week, his strength and resilience while still living every day with a traumatic brain injury. And he wasn’t going down without a fight. “I’ve only got two grand for my charity, and I’d like to make that 102 grand,” he said after winning the group challenge and being the first to visit the hallowed lover’s shed.
Fossicking about and finding clues and wedding dresses, James uttered an involuntary “OOSH” before tucking into a tin of tuna. But the dream vacation was not to last. A note about the hidden fortune upstream eventually sent James on the treasure hunt with Cully and JP, but some crucial oversights provided insurmountable hurdles. He left his photograph clue behind which gave him a huge delay, and even Lance’s wisdom from the cheap seats couldn’t save him.
RUNNER-UP: Christian Cullen
First of all, sung to the tune of Mr Brightside: Cully out of the cage and he’s been doing just fine.
The smoothest guy on the island began his week reflecting on what a “cool tour” they have had, and figuring out who he would be in the CTI reboot of The Fantastic Four (“I’ll be the invisible guy,” he said). From there, the invisible Cully knocked out Bubbah (who had selected “Jessica Alba” from the Fantastic Four cast) and had to say goodbye to his dearest friend in the game. At least she left him a lovely time penalty rock and a Samoan flag for the final showdown.
Heading into finals, Cully was spinning more sports philosophy yarns from “there’s no tomorrow you have to go hard today” to “it’s not over until the final whistle.” But perhaps he should have embraced the ancient mantra “should have gone to Specsavers” as he was left squinting in confusion at the padlock during the first obstacle. Not to worry through, soon he had made it to the tree puzzle where he handled himself with total composure and grace.
He brazenly copied JP’s homework and used his time penalties to try and take the lead, but ultimately it all came down to The Big Dig. He faked us out a few times when his shovel hit tree roots and hardened earth, and ultimately leaned back on his shovel and watched JP take the win. Cully, you left it all out on the field. In the parting words of the man himself: “ciao for now, won’t see you for three, four, 20 years maybe.”
WINNER: JP Foliaki
On reflection, of course the star of heartwarming underdog story Red White and Brass would pull off the most theatrical and wholesome win possible. JP has spent much of the competition talking about how he feels driven by a bigger purpose, how he’s playing for all his people in Tonga and South Auckland. “Representation is important to me,” he said in week four. “Any dream is more attainable if I can see someone who looks like me that has achieved it.”
This week, he achieved that dream – although it didn’t come easily. “I feel like I’m on Sensing Murder,” he said, pacing around looking for the lovers’ initials carved on a tree. “I’ve walked past this three about 50 times.” As it turns out, 51st time’s a charm, and JP got digging for the treasure alongside Cully. “The last time I dug this hard was at a funeral, and at this stage I want to dig my own grave,” he said. Also, king of The Office glance to camera.
Thankfully there was no need for an undertaker as JP’s shovel eventually hit the side of an old leather suitcase containing all manner of trinkets, and he got to take home $100,000 for a charity that does meaningful work across the Pacific. He hugged Cully, he hugged James, and he thanked his community for being there every step of the way. “I’m glad that I’m doing this for a bigger purpose than just myself,” he said, before letting out a hearty chee-hoo in celebration.