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Pop CultureMay 18, 2018

The official Spinoff TV-watching guide to the Royal Wedding Day™

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Obsessed with the royal wedding and not sure what to do with the few hours that are left in the lead-up? Proud royal(wedding)ist Tara Ward shares her pre-planning schedule.

Friends, there is one more sleep until Prince Harry marries Meghan Markle in the event of the century, and I am gripped by wedding fever. Gripped, I tell you. I am the roast chicken that Harry proposed to Meghan over, lying prone in nervous anticipation of what lies ahead. I am the burnt bits on this pork pie piece of art. I am brave, I am bruised, I am who I’m meant to be. This is me.

Several weeks ago, I emailed my editor at the Spinoff and begged asked to be considered for any royal wedding content. Romance was in the air and I was sniffing at it like corgi on heat. The response was polite but non-committal, as if there was something weird about an old woman who wanted to organise her work around the nuptials of two famous people she had absolutely nothing in common with.

Who’s laughing now, I asked myself today as I bought four more pairs of Prince Harry swimming togs, WHO’S LAUGHING NOW.

I’m here to royally decree how to get the most out of Saturday’s big do, and as Rachel said when she married Mike in Suits, I can’t wait to begin our adventure together. We’ve been in training for months. We are athletes in our prime and animals of the heart, so let’s lunge our way down the Royal Mall of Fate and into the Palace of Hopes and Dreams.  Is there room for three of us in this marriage, Meghan and Harry? Because I DOOOO.

Saturday 19 May, 12.00pm Begin by blowing up your inflatable corgis. Like the time Mike pashed Rachel in the filing cupboard at Pearson Specter, atmosphere is everything.

12.25pm Catch up on this week’s 100% accurate royal documentaries like Harry and Meghan: Truly Madly Deeply  (too regal for commas imo),  Prince Harry’s Story: Four Royal Weddings (see, one is never enough) and my own personal fave, The Extreme Cake Makers: Royal Wedding. Because nothing says ‘fairytale romance’ better than two edible corgis made out of rice crispies. Oh, m’lady.

Sweet nightmares are made of these.

4.00pm Relive Meghan Markle’s Suits nuptials, which has everything we need in a good wedding: a shitload of fairy lights and Harvey Specter’s eyes staring directly into my rice crispie soul.

 5.15pm Realise Meghan Markle’s first name is Rachel. Spend the next hour in a parallel universe where Prince Harry is an extra in a Suits Christmas special and this is all a bizarre Rachel Zane dream sequence.

7.00pm Bless you Newshub Royal Wedding Special for getting this party started at a decent hour so old people and parents of small children can enjoy the festivities before we fall asleep in a pool of our own dribble by 9.15pm. My hope is that a) Melissa Davies will be wrapped entirely in Union Jack bunting and b) Samantha Hayes will scatter-chasse us out to every ad break.

Meanwhile, TVNZ1 has Meghan Markle: The First 100 Days which details how Megan Markle only became a fully developed human when she got engaged. No scatter-chasses (chassi? chassini?) in sight, alas.

7.20pm Consider how Meghan Markle will shake patriarchy to the core if she walks down the aisle by herself.

7.23pm Consider how more shook we’ll be if Harvey Specter walks Meghan Markle down the aisle.

8:05pm Watch An Invitation to A Royal Wedding (TVNZ1) which is filled with ghosts of royal weddings past, including Princess Margaret’s bridesmaid and the bloke who drove Andrew and Fergie’s wedding carriage. I will soak this quality content up like I’m a freshly baked piece of lemon cake and the royals are my elderflower essence. Roll me sideways and drizzle me all over, I am yours forever.

8.20pm Pray that Louis Litt walks Meghan Markle down the aisle so he can shout “you just got Litt up” at Prince Harry. RIP me, RIP Queens everywhere.

8.30pm Time for Harry & Meghan: A Royal Romance (Vibe), starring Bonnie Soper (Shortland Street’s nurse Morgan) as Princess Diana. Sure, Diana had an adventurous life, but did she ever give birth to surrogate triplets and then fall for the baby’s father like Morgan did? Can’t rule it out, but The Guardian did call this ‘a brain-numbing charmer’ aka my most favourite genre of television.

9.05pm Two hours to go. Grab yourself a roast chicken drumstick and some crackly corgi cake, TVNZ1’s live coverage begins now.

9.10pm Getting tired, though a Spice Girl sighting should bring on my second wind.

9.23pm Can barely keep my eyes

9.37pm Wait where is Coronation Street

9.52pm Nice horsey

10.23pm Why is the Princess Anne in a minivan what why

10.24pm zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzigazigah

10.48pm Official update from the Palace: I have peaked too soon, I am an embarrassment to the Commonwealth, thank you and good night.

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