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ALF

Pop CultureJuly 20, 2016

Stone the flamin’ crows! Alf Stewart explains his most famous phrases

ALF

Summer Bay bait shop owner Alf Stewart (aka actor and legend Ray Meagher) talks Calum Henderson through some of his famous Aussie vernacular.

One of my favourite things to do as a teenager was come straight home from school and binge eat little bags of chips while watching Home and Away. It was an idle ritual built largely around a worship of one man: Alf Stewart.

Hot surfies and shady crims came and went from Summer Bay, but you could always rely on Alf. He is the show’s one constant, a stubborn old bloke standing firm against the tide of change and shouting “now hold on a flamin’ minute.”

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Ray Meagher (pronounced “Marr-guh”) has portrayed Alf since the show began in Australia in 1988, and is responsible for contributing what is probably Alf’s defining feature – his use of old Australian bush vernacular.

What is the etymology of “stone the flamin’ crows”? What does “strike me roan” mean? These are questions I have carried with me well into adulthood.

When Ray Meagher came to Auckand: The Musical, I finally got the chance to ask Alf himself.

Flamin’ [hell / mongrel / galah etc.]

“The writers wrote ‘flamin’’ [for Alf] early on. They used to write ‘flamin’ heck’ and some writers still write ‘flamin’ heck’ but I don’t do ‘flamin’ heck’ – it’s ‘flamin’ hell’ if you’re going to say anything like that.

Sometimes producers get precious about you saying a particular word, like hell is a bad word. And I say ‘oh so hell’s a bad word is it, but it’s OK for the Braxtons to put guns to people’s heads and deal drugs and everything else? But you want me to not say flamin’ hell?’ [goes into Alf Stewart voice] Flamin’ hell, that’s ridiculous! [laughs]”

Stone the flamin’ crows

“This came from a stock and station agent in a small Western Queensland town called Dirranbandi. I grew up in the district around the town and I don’t know if it originated there, but yeah, I stole it from Dick Backhouse.

When I was very young I can remember him with a rum and coke in his hand. As he’d have another one there’d be more rum and less coke, and when he got warmed up “stone the flamin’ crows” would appear more and more –

Stone the flamin’ crows mate you wouldn’t buy that mob of sheep from that bastard nah nah you wouldn’t feed ’em I mean look at ’em they’re skinny they won’t go on the truck they’ll die before they get to the next… stone the flamin’ crows a bloke must be mad!

– y’know so I remember as a kid thinking it was funny and so that’s where that came from. It was never the naughty f-word. I don’t remember Dick ever swearing.”

Strike me roan

“Roan is a colour. It’s somewhere between – you know if you see a chestnut horse, that deep chestnut colour, roan is a bit redder than chestnut but with a whitish sort of thing through it. I always knew it is as a colour of a horse, roan. It’s definitely not brindle, no no brindle’s different.

A roan horse
A roan horse

“‘Strike me roan’ again came from that Dirranbandi area, from a bloke called Bill Kean who was a real character. The original strike me anything for me came from an Australian vaudevillian character called Roy Rene who played a character called Mo McCackie, who used to say ‘strike me pink’ or ‘strike me lucky.’

This fella Bill Kean used to say ‘strike me pink’ but in moments of exasperation he’d be sick of pink so he’d say ‘strike me flamin’ roan’ or whatever. It’s a particular lunatic’s version of an old expression, there’s really no logical sense to any of it.”

Don’t come the raw prawn

“That expression has been around in Australia forever. I don’t know where it came from. I trot it out every now and again but it’s probably trotted out by dinosaurs like me all over Australia so it’s certainly not mine.”

On preserving the expressions for future generations

“That’s part of the brief for me – when people change things I want to change them back. You get kids on the show now, and also the way some of the writers write the show, they just pick up Americanisms. I nearly vomit when I hear them. “No no no that’s American!” [laughs]

I’ve got nothing against Americans, they’re lovely, but we’re Australians. We don’t have to copy every bloody thing they say.”

 

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OPINIONOpinionJuly 19, 2016

Terry Teo signals the end of the NZ on Air model as we know it (and that’s fine)

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Terry Teo was taxpayer-funded to the tune of $1.3m, helmed by a director fresh off a hit film and has been raved about by critics. TVNZ’s appalling treatment of the show will come back to haunt them, writes Duncan Greive.

Update: TVNZ have announced that Terry Teo will air in primetime after all

A New Zealand show debuted last week which had the critics losing their minds. “It’s a wonderful thing and by all rights, this show should be a smash hit” “not just the best kids’ show made in New Zealand in the last 10 years, it’s the best TV show full stop.”

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This is deeply weird, because on the whole our local productions tend to elicit a response on a spectrum between polite, slightly strained applause and rage. The show they’re talking about is Terry Teo, a kinetically energetic, deeply stylised and terrifically entertaining remake-in-name-only of a local ‘80s production.

The thing was made with $1.3m of your money, so it’s good that people love it – if you’re going to be forced to buy something, it’s better if it’s something good, something you might actually want.

So what’s the problem?

The problem is that this excellent production was commissioned to air on TVNZ, but ended up being buried on TVNZ OnDemand after the channel decided that it was too racy for children. NZ On Air are said to be furious, but reportedly have only managed to get a vague promise that the show will be broadcast at some point after its online run is completed. The fear here, of course, is that it will be shunted into an airless corner of the schedule rather than displayed for all to see in prime-time.  

This is deeply fucked up on a number of levels. Firstly, as Matt Heath pointed out in his account of watching it with his young children, it’s got absolutely no problem any rational person would have with airing in kid’s time. Secondly, the script and staging were reportedly approved by TVNZ the whole way through – nothing is materially different. They simply changed their minds. Which is ridiculous.

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Finally, and this is the crux of the problem, we’re now $1.3m poorer, and an outstanding production now has no hope of reaching the kind of audience it was intended for, without any recourse or comeuppance for the giant, autocratic organisation which created this whole imbroglio.

Even more so than the giant turd that was Filthy Rich, the Terry Teo saga illustrates perfectly what has for so long been broken about the stranglehold television has had on funding in this country. The concentration of the power to direct tens of millions of dollars in funding in the hands of a tiny group of unelected commissioners and programmers, whose audience shrinks every year has produced terrible outcomes for the New Zealand public. It cannot continue, and thanks to Terry Teo, surely it won’t.

So in some ways we should be thankful to the morons whose delicate sensibilities declared this show too raunchy for our kids. They’ve essentially made the rumoured radical re-imagining of NZ on Air’s funding system a fait accompli, and one they cannot possibly mount a plausible argument against.

The rumours are rife that later this year all funding will become platform agnostic. That is to say, if you can prove an audience on any free-to-access medium, you can apply for any one of of NZ on Air’s funding tranches. Which means Stuff.co.nz and their 2m+ strong audience are level with TVNZ and MediaWorks. Even  – and this piece is clearly self-serving, but what are you going to do? – the little shits at The Spinoff can have a go. Where we might previously have been limited to the tiny pottle of money allocated to digital projects, now all New Zealand’s online media might be able to pitch ideas to the funding body.

This should be a godsend to NZ on Air. No longer are their fortunes tightly bound to the whims and tastes of TV programmers and their ever-narrowing view of what an audience might want, or the ageing audience which still sits down and pops on the TV at night just like their grandparents did (and still do).

Now they’ll be able to fund more innovative and far-reaching shows, without the implausibly large budgets demanded to make drama and documentaries for television. And in all likelihood you’ll see that the arrogant assumption that only television can generate the kind of audiences required to justify this funding obliterated.

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TVNZ might argue that their placing Terry Teo purely online proves that this is already happening. But the problem is not that online is a bad or a small audience, but that this was neither developed nor executed with an online audience in mind. What’s more, it is so clearly obvious that Terry Teo is not a priority for the network – we only heard about the show from TVNZ after asking about it directly, just a couple of weeks out from its debut.

By contrast NZ on Air-funded projects for Stuff or RNZ or the Herald will be likely the best-funded and most important at their organisations, and therefore accorded an appropriately central status to their platforms.

If this is indeed the world we’re walking into – and both logic and furious industry rumour suggests it is – then Terry Teo might be seen not as the last great balls up of a past-it funding system, but as a sacrificial lamb which saved the whole edifice.

Update: TVNZ have announced that Terry Teo will air in primetime after all


Watch Terry Teo on TVNZ On Demand