It’s not Christmas without baking, and it’s not the Great Kiwi Bake Off Christmas Special without a bunch of celebrities absolutely losing it in the kitchen.
Last night’s celebrity Great Kiwi Bake Off Christmas Special saw six brave New Zealand celebrities – comedian David Correos, national treasure Suzy Cato, actor JJ Fong, TVNZ presenter Matt Gibb, microbiologist Dr Siousxie Wiles and entrepreneur Edna Swart – join hosts Hayley Sproull and Pax Assadi in the GKBO kitchen to raise money for their chosen charities. They were trying to bake their way to the coveted Star Baker prize, and can you even imagine what Dame Suzy Cato’s baking tastes like? Heaven, probably, and definitely a lot better than baked beans on toast.
But while Dr Siousxie was awarded Star Baker by judges Peter Gordon and Jordan Rondel, the episode belonged to David Correos, who brought the same chaotic energy he showed in Taskmaster to the GKBO kitchen. Where GKBO is usually celebrated for being light and fluffy, David gave us a refreshing level of unpredictable pandemonium we haven’t seen since Paula Bennett made those little poo biscuits. Christmas really is the most wonderful time of the year, so let’s hoover down David Correos’s best Bake Off bits.
When he questioned the natural order of things even before stepping into the kitchen
When he won the muffin challenge, despite never having made muffins before
The celebs were challenged to make Peter Gordon’s Christmas muffins, which Peter described as “festive, friendly, and fun”. Reader, those muffins were not fun. JJ went rogue and covered hers in buttercream, Suzy forgot to add sugar, and Matt told his baking powder to get stuffed and ended up making “muffettes” instead. “They might be fine for cats,” Suzy mused of her anti-muffins, but sadly there were no celebrity cats on GKBO this year.
David, however, emerged from that fluffy muffy horror scene like an angel with meringues for wings. He revealed he’d never baked muffins before and didn’t have an oven at home, and he’d been practicing in an air fryer. “I burnt a lot of stuff,” he admitted. The judges adored his “nutty, crispy tops” and declared him the challenge winner, donating $7,000 to David’s charity Autism New Zealand. “I imagine you’re as shocked as we are,” Peter said.
When he was so proud to win the first challenge
When he threw his baking on the floor
Buoyed by his unexpected victory in the technical challenge, David unleashed baking hell. The Showstopper challenge required bakers to make their favourite Christmas memory out of meringue, and David began as all good pastry chefs do, by repeatedly slamming his tray of macaron mix onto the floor. It was a fierce display of energy and chaos, and the other bakers stared on in what we can only assume was pure jealousy. “Nothing he does makes sense,” Edna said, “but you know what? He’ll probably win.”
When he stayed calm while everyone else lost it
Suzy’s meringue tower was developing a critical lean, Matt used about $300 worth of pistachios to make grass for his meringue pohutukawa tree, and it took Edna four attempts to make whipped cream. Absolute scenes in the GKBO kitchen. Milk certainly has a lot to answer for.
When he gave his snowman the kiss of life
Hello, 111, we have an emergency. While Matt spent most of the morning trying to grate half a nutmeg and JJ rolled a beautiful chocolate log, David was forced to lean into the oven and give his snowman the kiss of life after it decapitated itself in the oven. Completely normal baking behaviour, please make sure you do the same to your pavlova this Christmas.
When he danced with danger to present his snowman for judging
In hectic scenes never seen before in the GKBO kitchen, David grabbed his snowman and sprinted to the front of the kitchen. He was one trip away from disaster, one slip away from making Eton Mess, and the whole moment was scarier than the time Bree Tomasel whipped up big boobed gingerbread biccies.
When he leapt with joy to hear the judges’ average feedback
When his snowman spoke to the dark recesses of the human condition
Inexplicably, the judges were underwhelmed by David’s meringue work of art. Maybe they think snowmen shouldn’t wear hats, maybe they can’t recognise genius when they see it. David said his snowman represented the feeling you get two weeks after Christmas when reality hits you in the face, but the judges said its appearance was “lower on the scale.” I know who I believe, but David wasn’t bothered. “Close your eyes and enjoy it blind,” he recommended. “Maybe I’ll open a restaurant where all the lights are out.”
Dr Souxisie may have won Star Baker with her classy meringue gift box, but David Correos was the gift that kept on giving. His Pessimist Snowman was 2022 on a plate: wonky, chaotic, but not completely cracked. Somehow that snowman was still holding its shit together, just like us. It turned up when we needed it the most, just like David Correos. It felt the fear and air fried it anyway, and that my friends, might just be the true meaning of Christmas.
The Great Kiwi Bake Off Christmas Special is available to stream on TVNZ+.