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Image: Shamefully, the author’s own
Image: Shamefully, the author’s own

Pop CultureFebruary 29, 2024

I spent two hours in a Kate Middleton rabbit hole and now believe she could be dead*

Image: Shamefully, the author’s own
Image: Shamefully, the author’s own

Speculation is mounting that speculation is mounting because the media aren’t reporting on where the bloody hell Kate Middleton is. 

Catherine Middleton, Kate to her mates, Princess of Wales and future Queen of this whiney and off-the-rails nation, has disappeared. 

If you’re not a regular royal watcher, sorry you’re finding out this way. Royal watching isn’t for the faint of heart. Right now, we’re dealing with the Sussexes shitting on their Netflix deal, Camilla being reportedly furious about Harry’s flying visit to see his ill father, a swirl of questions about the ill father (the King of England and Aotearoa, New Zealand) and now the princess’s disappearance.

Officially, she is recovering from some unspecified surgery in her abdominal area, but the truth is out there. Thank fuck the people of the internet exist because Mulder and Scully nor a bunch of so-called “journalists” could never. A further Spinoff investigation will commence shortly into what, if any, crossover exists been Taylor Swift fans and Middleton truthers. Swift fans have preternatural detective skills that could be put to use. 

The princess disappeared from public view around Christmas time. She was last seen walking around, near or at a church. According to the palace, the Princess of Wales is recuperating at Adelaide Cottage at the royal family’s Windsor Castle estate following her discharge from the London Clinic after her surgery. 

Kate Middleton before her disappearance (Photo: Getty Images)

She will not be returning to public view until after Easter, when one can only hope she will return wearing a lovely hat, fully recovered and ready to save the monarchy again. Her husband (the future King of England) has been cutting a lonely bald figure on red carpets, saying things like “’She [presumably his wife Kate] does love the BAFTAs”.

The palace has made it clear that they don’t plan on giving regular updates on her recovery unless “there is significant new information to share”.

I was happy to believe the official story until I realised that was obviously stupid. I stumbled on a worldwide community of Kate Middleton truthers at 2am this morning while worrying about burning platforms, semi-automatic rifles, five-year-olds smoking durries and the health of the nation. 

The only logical thing to do was to check out the world news and head to the Daily Mail. They are rightfully preoccupied with the sudden passing of another member of the royal family (not a main character). However, they are maintaining a concerted effort through the use of four-line headlines to pressure the royal family into being more transparent “about Prince William’s absence from engagement after mystery sparked concern for Kate Middleton’s health”. 

Speculation is now mounting that speculation is now mounting because the media aren’t reporting on where the bloody hell Kate is. Makes you think.

I jumped onto r/KateMiddleton, a stan-filled haven that hosts a lot of photos of the missing princess in clothes and sometimes with legs. That was boring. She wears some nice frocks, but she is no Bianca Censori in the style department. They also haven’t reported anything about her whereabouts. 

Over on Instagram, the new generation of investigative journalists was explaining why people like me are on a slide down a Kate-shaped rabbithole. They appear to be reporting live from a scene, but on closer inspection, it’s a background clipped from some other media source. Specifically, the ones not reporting on where the fuck Kate is.  

The real tea, the good shit, the crack and the craic on Princess Kate is to be found on X.

Once a fairly reliable source of chronologically ordered information from normies, it’s now a festival of fun, complete with unending rewards for just making shit up. 

The people of X are definitely reporting on WHERE KATE IS. An ouroboros of how distracted we’ve become and how much we need to be distracted, we will, come hell or rising sea levels, meme our way out of a world possibly collapsing in on itself. There is a long list of concerns about the control that’s been ceded to the handful of large tech companies upon whose land we meme, but in the face of Kate Middleton’s disappearance, they are boring and unimportant. 

In no particular order, here are my favourite crowd-sourced, all 100% feasible, reportable and factual theories on where Kate, Princess of Wales, really, truly is.

  • She is recovering from surgery, but it was kidney removal surgery, now donated to the king. 
  • She is recovering from surgery, but it was a Brazilian butt lift and has to wait until it’s butty enough to return.
  • She is recovering from surgery, but it was a botched Brazilian butt lift and has to wait until it’s deflated to return.
  • She got a fringe and has to wait until it grows out.
  • She has been kidnapped by Joe Biden. 
  • She is stuck in the bowels of Buckingham Palace and has come face to face with the lab in which all the other Kates are grown. 
  • She is working at the doomed Wonkaland experience in Glasgow.
  • She is divorcing William.
  • She is Banksy.
  • She is dead.

Wishing the Princess a speedy recovery from her surgery and/or fringe. God save us all.

*Kate Middleton is not dead as far as we know.

Keep going!