Alex Casey wraps on a tinfoil hat and falls down the rabbit hole of the Married at First Sight NZ universe.
Shared universes and character crossovers are having a massive moment right now. The last Avengers movie was basically just the Met Gala of superheroes. M. Night Shyamalan pulled a classic “him” on us all earlier in the year and revealed that three of his movies were all set in the same world, unbeknownst to the audience. Endless theories online argue that Jordan Peele’s Us is taking place in the world of Get Out, and that Snowpiercer is actually a sequel to Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.
Which leads me, naturally, to New Zealand reality television. In recent years, our reality television stable has completely exploded and the growing power of social media has extended the shelf-life and success (or at least perceived success) of its participants. Reality stars are now all connecting on some kind of WhatsApp group run by Dominic Bowden, befriending each other (argh!), dating each other (ew!) and even goading their normie friends to step up into the limelight too.
And I believe at the centre of the reality Illuminati is Married at First Sight NZ. You know when you play that game where you pluck out two random celebrity names and see how few steps you can take to connect them? I do that with New Zealand reality stars every night to get to sleep. And every time, without fail, Married at First Sight NZ is always where I end up. Let us begin with the current season of Married at First Sight NZ, with James and Carmen’s wedding.
Which featured guests of honour Ling and Zing…
… who were on The Block NZ…
One year after Niki and Tiff…
One of which would go on to be the celebrant at Wayne and Ksenia’s wedding in MAFSNZ S2…
A season which also saw the blessed union of Dan and Yuki…
The second MAFSNZ outing for Dan, who was also spotted in S1 at Brett and Angel’s wedding…
And then Brett and Angel only bloody went to HIS wedding in season two:
Of course, the celeb cameo of that season was quickly overshadowed by Samuel Levi’s guest list, one so star-studded that I’m surprised Norrie Montgomery wasn’t hiding in the brambles. First up: TV presenter and death metal icon ERIN BLOODY SIMPSON:
WHO LATER WENT ON TO GET ENGAGED TO ZAC BLOODY FRANICH
WHO HAD PREVIOUSLY BEEN ON THE BACHELOR NZ S3
WHICH WAS HOSTED BY DOMINIC BOWDEN
WHO ALSO HOSTED NZ IDOL
WHICH IS THE NZ VERSION OF…
Which featured RANDY JACKSON as a judge……..
Who we all know is CLOSE PERSONAL FRIENDS WITH ANNA FROM MAFSNZ S3!!!!!!!!!!!!
Who married Jordan…
… who went suit shopping with STACY SMYTH!!!!
Who was a contestant on HEARTBREAK ISLAND NZ S1!!!!
Which was a TVNZ reality show hosted by MATILDA RICE
Who was OF COURSE on The Bachelor NZ…
Two years before BEL CLARKE went on The Bachelor NZ
WHO LATER MARRIED HAYDN DANIELS IN MAFSNZ S1!!!!!!!!
Wait. I’ve lost track. Where were we? Oh yeah, Samuel Levi’s wedding in MAFSNZ S2. Also in attendance was Alysha Brown:
Who was also on The Bachelor NZ S1:
Which, way back then, was hosted by Mike Puru
Who now hosts a show on The Hits with Stacey Morrison…
Who is the cousin of JONO FROM MAFSNZ S3!!!!!!!!!
Who was also on THE AMAZING RACE!!!!
And was married off to Ray on MAFSNZ…
Who is also somehow friends with SAMUEL LEVI
And of course Samuel Levi invited his good friend and MAFSNZ S1 contestant BEN BLACKWELL to HIS wedding:
Who had previously invited ACTUAL ME to his WEDDING in S1 (he just didn’t know it)
Which was very spooky – just like Kelvin Cruickshank from Sensing Murder!!!!!
Who is still LEGALLY MARRIED to Rose Cruickshank from MAFSNZ S3!?!?!?
A season which has also seen Vicky drunkenly hit on Jordan…
After it was revealed that she previously slept with James!!!
Who married Carmen, where this whole thing began!!!
And oh, wait… who is that in the background there?
It’s only me. Watching, waiting, commiserating. Conspiring.
Married at First Sight NZ airs Sundays 7pm and Mon-Tues 7.30pm on Three