Our mean-spirited personalities are social poison.
Want Hera’s help? Email your problem to helpme@thespinoff.co.nz or fill out this form.
Dear Hera,
We’re sending you this email because we find our behavior ends up harming our friends with how harsh and outright hostile we tend to be towards them. We’re genuinely at a lost of ideas on how to stop our, dare we say, mean-spirited personality from shining through. Please may you give us some advice that will help us be less mean-spirited towards our friends?
Statler and Waldorf
Dear Statler and Waldorf,
Thank you for this mysterious email. I have never answered a question written by two people, let alone two friends who have the same personality disorder they’re simultaneously trying to fix.
Intentionally transforming any enduring negative personality trait is slow and tedious. If it were that easy, everyone would have good personalities.
It’s lucky you have one another, because as two self-proclaimed punishers, you can both hold each other accountable, and turn your misanthropic tendencies on one another when you need an outlet.
It’s hard to understand what harsh and hostile looks like. Is it a culture of ribbing that’s gotten out of control, or is there genuine evil in your hearts? Have you lost friends because of this? Is your antagonism towards your friends genuine, or a torturous form of affection that isn’t landing correctly? Do you make each other worse when you’re together?
If you grew up in a family or culture where people bullied each other as a way of showing love, it’s natural to accidentally adopt that as your default way of interacting with the world, and then run into trouble when you meet kind and sincere hearted individuals who were raised in a mutually uplifting Steiner school environments and never learned to take “go drown yourself, you sack of donkey dicks” as the antipodean form of affection it sometimes is.
If the hostility’s genuine, why? Are your friends morons? Are you profoundly emotionally insecure? Is this a general non-specific misanthropy directed at anyone you’re in close proximity with?
The goal is to understand the reason behind the behaviour. Maybe you two need to get together for a little reciprocal amateur psychotherapy. Take a small dose of mushrooms, fuck off to a cabin in the woods and try to have a mutual epiphany that will leave you quivering and exposed like a prehistoric jelly.
If your meanness is a fear of vulnerability, you can practice being nice to each other. Send each other one sincere compliment a day that doesn’t have a hidden barb or joke. Get to the point where you can take your friend by the shoulder, look them in the eye, and say, “You are like a beautiful angel to me, and I love you forever.” Do it every day. I’ll know if you don’t mean it.
If you haven’t already inflicted lasting psychological damage on your friends, why don’t you throw a “mending our ways” party, with apology gift bags containing ONE sincere eulogy-level compliment per guest, and a “our kneejerk hostility comes from a deep-seated emotional insecurity and fear of vulnerability, but we secretly love you very much” cake. Tell your friends you’re committing to pay the penalty/emotional harm reparation jar for every unchecked act of interpersonal antagonism, which all of your friends/victims can collectively spend on a team bonding activity of their choosing at the end of each financial quarter, to which you are not invited. Sign a peace treaty with a big quill and print personal accountability photos of the signing ceremony. Frame them and put them on the wall.
Beyond that, if your problem is deeper than interpersonal heckling, and a profound hatred for the world is accidentally manifesting itself in every area of your life and negatively affecting your personal relationships, this advice column probably won’t help. Nobody has any easy advice on how to completely overhaul a foundational aspect of your personality without having a “Ghosts of Christmas Past” near-death experience. If you’re drowning in incurable misanthropy, there’s likely a deeper problem which requires professional attention because it’s too exhausting to spend your life disingenuously pretending you don’t despise everything and everyone in this wicked pit of sin and abomination.
How do you love the world? Either get born with the right brain chemistry and grow up in an environment of abundant love, or begin a lifelong process of bending your nasty little minds towards joy. Spend time with children and animals. Be outside in nature. Realise your inner monologue reflects reality, and conscious repetition of thoughts and behaviour form intractable beliefs and habits. This knowledge can be used for good or evil.
If you cannot fake your way to “I am worthy of love”, you can always try “I’m worthy of being rescued during a civil defence emergency”. Work your way up to practising mindfulness and gratitude. Not necessarily in a “I am overwhelmed by the miracle that is life” kind of way. “I am glad I do not have gout like Henry VI” or “God, this sandwich is delicious” will do.
Intentionally pay attention to the good parts of life. That doesn’t mean ignoring the evil in the world. The people who do the most good in the world are usually acting out of outraged love, rather than profound cynicism. Imagine your friends dead and repent. When one of you messes up, perform some kind of humiliating forfeit, like singing “In Your Easter Bonnet” in the meat aisle of the supermarket. Practice saying nice things about people as soon as you think them, unless it’s socially inappropriate. Treat your untreated depression. Treat your underlying tooth or bone pain. Get eight hours of sleep, and remember to eat at regular intervals. Adopt a dog or cat and practice saying unconditionally nice things to them (but seriously).
Fake it till you make it. Make it. There, you’re cured.
