SocietyNovember 3, 2016

Isn’t that the sweetest thing: An ode to the greatest woman of this or any year, Bono


Penny Ashton takes time away from drinking boxed wine and crying into her Justin Bieber throw cushions to announce the recipients of the 2016 Women of The Year award.

On November 8, if all is well in the world, Hillary Clinton will become the first woman to take the hitherto fully penised position of POTUS. She will be resplendent in a presidential pantsuit having trounced Trump, the orange whoopee cushion with the tiny grabby hands.

But in doing this, and by inspiring little Hillary’s the world over that they too one day could aspire to be called a bitch on a million badges, she has shifted the man/woman continuum and it must be righted.

And so, those clever women over at Glamour Magazine, a magazine renowned for their searing essays on gender equality like; “Tommy Hilfiger Put Gigi Hadid In a Poncho Because She Was “Not Quite As Thin” As Other Models” and “Fact: Boxed Wine Is Better Than Literally All Other Kinds of Wine” have come up with the novel solution of including Bono in their “Women of the Year” awards.

Bono in his rightful place among the Glamour women of the year
Bono in his rightful place among the Glamour women of the year

Bono… “WOMEN of the Year” Awards.

Well thank god for that, finally we got a man in to have a look and fix everything. Let’s have a boxed wine.

I mean sure he often can’t decide if he wants to live with women, or without them, but he wears tight leather pants and has a sexually ambiguous one word name, what better man to represent my uterus? After all every 28 days I get all bloated and gorge on chocolate and weep into my Justin Bieber throw cushions anyway, so I am practically useless. But now every day is a beautiful day with Bono leading the lady charge.

Some people might suggest that this is just another example of a man taking a job literally 3.4 billion more people are more qualified for. Some might say maybe those Glamourous ladies got confused by his sunglasses and thought he was lady pensioner from Cork. Some might say that maybe a symbol for women’s empowerment should be you know, an actual live fucking woman. But to them I say PPFFFFT. In Bono we have all found exactly what we are looking for.

Some might also comment that in celebrating Bono and his hoovering up all the pixels we aren’t discussing the other women on the list. Women like Emily Doe who wrote a harrowing account of her violation at the hands of Brock Turner. Of Nadia Murad, a 23 yr old Iraqi who survived three months of torture and abuse by ISIS, and of Alicia Garza, Patrisse Cullors, and Opal Tometi who are the founders of the Black Lives Matter movement.

But I think it’s fair that we celebrate a cis-gender, white, privileged man above all those other little ladies. These men are very marginalised group after all and are under a very real threat of reaching pay parity with women by 2133. How intimidated they must feel.

Bono has done some very empowering things for women. He is a champion of educating girls and is endeavouring to raise them up all over the world. He has one of the most enduring marriages in show biz to Ali Hewson, a woman he deeply respects and calls extraordinary. He should definitely be celebrated.


And by giving him a spot in a dedicated woman’s list, thereby preventing another woman from receiving the accolades she deserves seems just the way to do it. He could of course have graciously declined the offer and cheered from the sidelines and not hogged the limelight, maybe even suggested his extraordinary wife receive the nod instead for her numerous charity works. But I am glad he saw the sense in a man yet again taking up a woman’s space and oxygen. Ain’t that the sweetest thing?

In other news Miss Universe was recently won by a pudgy Dad from Paekākāriki called Derek. He is wishing for World Peace and cheaper Whopper prices at Burger King. Steve Jobs has also been posthumously awarded the Women in IT Award for facilitating millions of women receiving their much-coveted dick pics. The Pulitzer Prize for literature has been won by a Kumara that looks like Kenny Gee and 2016’s Female Gynaecologist of the year has been won by Donald Trump who declared; “When you’ve grabbed as many pussies as I have you know when one’s a bit off.”

Tickets to Penny Ashton’s show Promise and Promiscuity in Dunedin are available here.

Image: Archi Banal

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